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2004 AFC EAST NFL PREVIEW & PREDICTION :

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Welcome Back, Welcome Back, Welcome Back

I am just filled with elation, I am filled with joy and I am filled with love.

Finally, we are able to leave the dreadful world of basketball and baseball and rejoin the promised land of football. I feel like a firm young teenager who is finally shaking off the shackles of societal norms and giving in to her inner lesbian tendencies. Just as the world will open up for her and she can experience the smells, tastes and feelings of a new world, so too will the dawning NFL season allow us to be reborn.

Love is truly in the air.

Although I would like to let all of my off-season bile spill out on the page all at once, I am going to harness it and let it out in drips and drabs. I will take a conference every couple of days and break out for you. This week we will begin with the Superbowl Champion New England Patriots and their ilk in the AFC East.

Who’s in the AFC East?

2003 Results

Team ..................... Record ATS

New England Pats .....14-2

Miami ‘Fins ................7-9

Buffalo Bills .................6-10

NY J-E-T-S ...................5-8-3

Pats (New England Patriots)

So what can you say about the returning Superbowl Champs? They were really good last year (14-2 against the spread = many lobster tails and blow jobs for Jiggy) and the brass in NE was smart enough not to mess up a good thing. Their only weak spot last year was their running game (RB by committee and neither rushed for more than 650 yards) and they have really shored that up by adding Corey Dillon from the Bungles. Their defense defined solid last year by being number one in the league, allowing less than 15 points per game. And what did they do, they kept it intact and even added some love with the drafting of Vince Wilfork from M-I-A-M-I and signing Keith ‘tractor’ Traylor. Their coach may not be a snappy dresser, but he understands that to win in the No Fun League you had better have a good, strong defense. Belchichick has built his team around that notion. The reason they won last year and the reason they are going to win their division this is year is defense. All of you out there who think that Tom Brady is good – you are wrong. Tom Brady is workmanlike he is the Trent Dilfer of 2004. Hey Brady, great job on the endorsements, now go out there and don’t turn the ball over.

Prediction

Although they won’t win the superbowl this year, the Pats are going to win the AFC East. Look for them to go deep in the playoffs, but they won’t win it all again.

Fins (Miami Dolphins)

I love talking about the Dolphins because they really show how much leadership affects an organization. The Fish are loaded from top to bottom with talent. Sure, one could argue that their QB needs some work. But the reality is that Tom Brady isn’t good, but their team wins Superbowl after Superbowl whilst the talent-heavy, intelligence-short Fish can’t even make the play-offs. There is one problem with the Fins and that is their coach, Davey Wansteaaddddtt. He is a loser, plain and simple. He finds ways to lose. He snatches defeat from the jaws of victory. So last year they were marginal and this year they have changed a little bit, all for the better. But there are issues. Can Tricky Ricky stay off the sticky icky? Can the wandering Jew lead the team to the Promised Land? Will Jason Taylor actually have double digit sacks in one game? Can David Boston wreck the locker room attitude at yet another stop in his less than noteworthy NFL career?

Let me tell you the answer. The answer is No. The team’s coach has no heart and thus the team will have no heart. They are extremely talented, but don’t seem to want to win. I would suspect that like last season, they will be favorites at the beginning of the season, cover a few, then remain favorites in the middle of the season when they will SUCK and then in the end of the season they will rattle around 500 ATS.

Jiggy's Editorial Note – It hurts me that this team isn’t better. I can only hope that something odd will happen in the world and maybe Mitch Cup-Check will hire Davey to coach the Lakers and he can ruin them instead of ruining the Fish.

Prediction

The fish finish third in the AFC East and barely miss the play-offs again.

Bills, Bills, Bills (Buffalo Bills)

The Bills did the right thing in the off-season, they replaced their coach. They tried to add a little offense by bringing in the former O-Coordinator of the Pittsburg Steelers. Fascinating idea. But alas, these awful coaches have to coach somewhere. So let’s talk about personnel. The Bills lost no one except Winfield, their CB, but fear not, they also got a CB in Troy Vincent – that is an upgrade for them. Also, they get to see if ‘what you talking about’ Willis Mcgahee is a bust or a legit baller. I am going to go with legit baller. And they have their ever-ready QB Drew ‘I’ Bledsoe ‘much that I had to wear a tampon in my nose’ who will actually do better this year. He is a loser and a pedophile, but he is a good QB who had an off year last year. I think he puts it all back together this year and just feeds Moulds, Shaw and Reed. They also picked up a great receiver in Lee Evans from On Wisconsin. They also drafted JP Losman from Tulane (the Green Wave can be so dominant). This kid will be good. Watch and learn my fellow bettors. He went to a 2nd rate football school, so all the brass think he is no good, but he is a winner and a competitor. He reminds me of Brett Favre. He will be great. So maybe if you are a Bills fan you should root for an injury to Bledsoe.

Prediction

The Bills will be second in the AFC East and also miss the playoffs. Look for them to go about 9-7.

J-E-T-S (NY Jets)

I am not sure where I or Herm Edwards went to college, but wherever it was, it needs to have its accreditation pulled. The guy is a dolt. Sure, he took a very talented team and led them to a mind-numbing 5-8 record. That is wonderful. Sure, he QB was injured but the line takes that in to account – when you are well below 500 against the spread it means that you are not even living up to jaded gamblers’ expectations. So Herm Edwards is a worthless piece of donkey-doo-doo. But what else do the Jets have? They have Pennington – yippee. CP managed to have a QB rating only 8 points lower than vinnie testicularverde. That is really saying something. So CP will be healthy (barring any weird pre-season Vick-itis) but let’s look at the supporting cast. Curtis ‘my favorite’ Martin is another year older and more likely to get hurt. He is now officially washed up. The receiving core consists of one guy, Santana Moss. They had the southern cal kid, Curtis Conway, but apparently the nurses from his geriatric ward finally caught him and put him back on his meds – so he won’t be in uniform. So the offense is arguably worse – but here is where the excitement begins. The defense is WAY worse. The lost their main men in the middle in Marvin Jones and Mo ‘Ray’ Lewis. And what did they replace them with? Some linebacker from Miami named Vilma (as in the Flintstones and Brontosaurus Burgers) and that’s it. So let’s recap – shitty coach, marginal QB, lousy receiving core and crappy defense. Looks like a bang up year for the NYJ. In fact, the best thing to happen to NY football this year aside from Jesse Palmer being on the bachelor was that Kerry Collins went to the Raiders. Thank goodness for that – now the niners will not be the worst team in the bay area.

Prediction

Jets remain in the rear (I will refrain from inserting a Taylor Rain joke here because there is nothing funny about Taylor Rain) of the AFC East. Look for them to have a similar season to last year – but expectations will be higher leading to them covering even fewer times. What a train wreck the Jets will be.

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Check the current point spreads and game lines.