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2004 AFC NORTH NFL PREVIEW & PREDICTION :

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Glorious Weekend

My skin is sallow, my legs and arms are atrophied. I look like a cancer patient. Normally I have only myself to blame. But this last weekend in sunny San Diego I was spared the need to venture outdoors because my wife got food poisoning. It was such a happy time for me. I could sit, unmolested in a dark room and devour commentary on the NF of L. While she hurled and gagged, in what seemed like poetic interplay, I read about the AFC North. As one would expect, the vomit thrown up was more pleasant to see than even a good game between these teams. But alas and alack, there is still money to be made, even on the crappy teams…

Who’s in the AFC North?

2003 Results

Team ..................... Record ATS

Baltimore Ray Rays..........8-7-2

Cincy Bungles...................9-6-1

Pittsburgh Losers...............8-8

Cleveland Clowns...............6-10

Ray Rays (Baltimore Ravens)

I want to start off with a little love for my main man Ray Lewis. This is one angry human. He is the Marlon Brando of football – Brando was such an intense method actor that he would remain in character for months on end. Ray Lewis thinks he is on the football field at all hours and he acts accordingly – for him, violence is always the answer.

Check out the link below for all the gory details of the murder…

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/football/nfl/features/bloody_monday/news/2000/02/25/part1/

But let me pick out a little something that shows why Ray Lewis and the Ravens are a force to be trifled with… In an article about the two men Ray may have killed, the police had this to say about his victims, “two men who had come to Atlanta from Akron, Ohio, in search of opportunity, (they) were stabbed to death not with wild swings of a knife, but by killers who apparently knew how to kill.”

Now I am not saying that I’d like to have tea with Ray, nor am I saying that anyone else in society should emulate him – unless you play defense in the NF of L. I don’t want my linebackers doing UNICEF ads, going to soup kitchens or doing pathetic soup ads – you hear me Michael Strahan. I want my defenses angry, on edge and ready to kill.

Baltimore lost almost nobody. Or at least, no one that matters. And then with their first pick in the draft they went after a defensive player. Rock on. I may have to get rid of Mary Kate and Ashley calendar and put one up of Brian Billick, wearing just a white thong – lord knows Jiggy loves thongs. When you get past mass murderer, Ray Lewis, they have Ed (pronounced ee-t) Reed from M-I-A-M-I, Terrell Suggs of the desert swarm fame (not really but the guy can get after the QB) and Peter Boulware [as an aside, how many of you saw The Program? Alvin Mack was based not-so-loosely on Peter Boulware].

Anyway, the Ravens are going to dominate again this year. Sure, their offense is awful – but getting better. Kyle Boller is a baller and his receiving core is a little bit better this year, especially with the addition of burner, Kevin Johnson. And let’s all face it, if Boller goes down (ha ha) then there is an able back-up in Anthony Wright.

Prediction

The Ravens are going to challenge for the big time this year. They will waltz through the AFC North. And look for them to be an easy source of money in the early weeks of the season. Odds makers always forget how valuable defense is, especially in the beginning of the year. People will catch on – but look to go big and go early on the Ray Ray Ravens.

Cincy Bungles (Cincinnatti Bengals)

Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. You can already hear the chant. But for all of you Bengal fans out there, don’t be afraid to buy the Rudy DVD because that chant won’t be going up too often this year. I am convinced that the only reason that the guy put up big numbers was that everyone was still keying on Corey Dillon (the only player on the Bengals last year) and since he was on the bench, the defense could get together and split some spliffs. Perhaps I am being too hard on the guy. I mean really, how good could he be? But I digress. The questions one has to ask are as follows…

1) Will Rudi continue to perform at his season ending pace?

2) Will Carson Palmer step into the role of starting QB with grace?

3) Will Deltha O’Neal REPRESENT for the California Golden Bears now that he plays for The Orange?

4) Where did I leave my Jenna Jameson DVD?

I can’t answer all of these questions, but I do think it is interesting that I didn’t think their defense was even worthy of a question. That is because it is commonly accepted that it is terrible and that just spells big problems for an NF of L team.

Generally, I don’t like to watch, think about or bet on the Bungles. And this year should be no exception. They now have a legit QB in Palmer, but as a first year starter, he is going to be erratic. So one week he’ll look good and the next week he’ll look like Kerry Collins (abhorrent) so it is tough to bet on or against these guys.

Prediction

The Bungles will come in 2nd in the AFC North. Pop Warner teams will have trouble finishing below the Steelers and the Clowns – so where else could the Bungles end up? I’d look for them to go about 8-8 this year and a little better than that ATS.

Clowns (Cleveland Browns)

For those of you who get squeamish, you may want to avoid any Cleveland games this season. If you are one of those souls who look away when passing an accident on the freeway, then you had better never tune in to a Cleveland game. The Browns were purely awful last year. But not to fear, in order to assuage their woes, they picked up (and I am not making this up) El Jeffe Garcia (the boy from Gilroy – the garlic capital of the world) and drafted Kellen (The Chosen One – self dubbed nickname – Mrs. Winslow put up a big 650 yards and one touchdown last year – and that was in college) Winslow. The Clowns may really go 0-16 this year. But I haven’t even mentioned their running game – which won’t matter because their defense can’t stop anyone, they will be forced to pass on every down and since Garcia will no longer have Terrell Owens they will throw many interceptions and consequently lose by more and more and more… But in the backfield they have the amazing tandem of William ‘DUI’ Green and James ‘Janet’ Jackson.

If the Browns were a stock I would short them, if they were a dog I would send them to the pound and if they were a woman I would hit on them mercilessly – lord knows, even fat girls need love and they put up less resistance.

Editorial Note – A wise man in college, Steve, once explained why he always hit on the ugliest girls he could find for the following reason. “Jiggy, I work hard in class, my homework is hard, wrestling is hard and my job is hard, women shouldn’t be.” He was truly a misunderstood genius.

Prediction

Maybe they’ll get lucky and win one game this season. Look for the Clowns to finish last in the AFC North and I will see Butchie Davis next year in the unemployment line.

Pittsburgh Losers (Pittsburgh Steelers)

Coach Cowher and Coach Wannsteadddty are cut from the same cloth, they park their cars in the same garage, they worship at the same church of suck-i-tude. Cowher cries a lot and that makes him a terrible football coach. Maybe his players feel like it is ok to be themselves around him – or maybe he makes them feel loved. But if Cowher looked above him in the AFC North he would see coaches like Billick and Belchichick and in the NFC, like the Tuna. These guys don’t cuddle with their players. And more importantly they aren’t looking to make their teams shinier, happier places. They are trying to build tough, mean, violent programs – and that is what it takes to even compete in this league. If you have that attitude and then also get some great players and a little bit of luck, then (and only then) do you have a shot at the Glory. Cowher has no idea.

Cowher may not know how to win – he did start Kordell Stewart at QB for a while – but he does know how to create material for me. He did keep real estate mogul, Jerome ‘Bus’ Bettis – who may have actually been born in the 1800s. Maybe not, but he surely wore leather helmets in college. In the winning vein of Kordell, he kept the reins of the team in the not-so-capable, yet extremely whiney Tommy ‘shot gun’ Maddox. So you know there is trouble.

However, on the upside – and I do think that the Feelers do have some upside. Their receiving corps is loaded. Plexiglass and Heinz Ward (misspellings intentional) are gamers. They are big, fast and can leap. The team did improve a little bit at RB with the acquisition of Douche Staley (what misspelling?). But the big ups for this team is that they took Ben Roethlisberger. This kid can flat play. He can ‘launch the pig’ and he can do it accurately. This guy is the future of a franchise. Knowing Cowher, he will trade him away just before he gets good, maybe he will trade him to the Niners for Kevan Barlow. Dennis Erickson – if you are reading this, and lord knows you should be reading everything you can get your hands on, if this trade is offered, take it. RBs are a dime a dozen, guys with arms like this come along rarely – of course it wouldn’t be all that helpful because you got rid of every receiver on the team – dipshit.

Anyway, back to the Steelers. In addition to good talent on offense they also have a lock-down defense. When your defensive captain gets shot during preseason and barely misses a game, then you know you are dealing with a serious man. They lost almost no one on defense and even drafted a corner in the second round. So who knows. Maybe Cowher will decide to retire or join a jazz-poppy singing group in New York and leave the coaching to someone who wants to win and not blubber with his (or her) team.

Prediction

Steelers try their hardest to fail miserably, but the ineptitude of the Browns prevent them from finishing last and they end up in a clos

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