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2004 NFC EAST NFL PREVIEW & PREDICTION :

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Fa-Shizzle My Nizzle

It is great chatting with old friends. I finally got my bookie back on the phone to discuss his availability. He is ready for me and I am ready for him.

I am really starting to feel the sunshine on my face as the NFL season dawns upon us. And part of that warmth is being able to talk about the NFC. To me the NFC is akin to the National League in MLB and the AFC is the counterpart of the American League. Now I haven’t watched a baseball game on television since 1993 – and I don’t know what came over me then. But I remember in my formative years (as a Dodger fan) hating the American League for being soft. I mean, why shouldn’t a pitcher have to stand in the batter’s box? Well, the interesting thing is that the AFC has the same ‘sally-like’ qualities. The NFC has the tough teams, the NFC has the ballers, the NFC is where its at. So here we go with the main course…

Who’s in the NFC East?

2003 Results

Team--------------------------------------Record ATS

Philly Beagles.............................11-7

Tuna Tar Tar..............................9-7-1

Washington Native Americans....7-8-1

NY Football Giants....................3-11-2

The Beagles (Philadelphia Eagles)

Arf Arf. So the pride of Philly (after Lenny Dykstra and Rocky Balboa) has got to be Donovan McNabb. I find this interesting. Aside from doing those God awful soup ads – Donovan was a relatively workman like quarterback. But I suppose the world loves the afro and the pudgy body. I have a little game to play – tell me what all of these QBs have in common: Tom Brady, Chad Pennington, Jon Kitna, Peyton Manning, Steve McNair, Jake Plummer, Trent Green, Doug Flutie, Brett Favre, Duante Culpepper, Jake Delhomme, Aaron Brooks, Brad Johnson, Jeff Garcia, Matt Hasselback, Marc Bulger. That’s right, they all had better QB ratings than Donovan – and coincidentally, they all have better names. I mean, how 70s can you get? Alright, maybe he had no help at WR and maybe the inclement conditions at Lincoln Financial field hurt his chances of competing – but we aren’t talking about a few guys – half the league was better than him. The point of that whole rant was to take the spotlight off of the QB position.

At WR they got the second best receiver in the game in T.O. If he was only a little faster, he could compete with Randy Moss. But he also had a huge disadvantage vis-à-vis Randy – Jeff Garcia couldn’t hit a golf ball as far as Duante can throw it and he sure as hell can’t throw it even half as far. Donovan may be inaccurate, he maybe stupid, he may make bad decisions, but he can launch the pig. So T.O. will have a chance to go deeeeeeeep. Additionally, his antics are great for the team. The fans and the players could use a little additional excitement, a little ‘I can’t wait to see what he does next.’

Running the ball will be a two-headed monster, one of the heads left. As they say adios to Douche Staley the team turns to electric back Brian Westbrook and dark as night (no racial slur here, he is just damn dark) Correll Buckhalter. These guys together get a B. They aren’t going to set the world afire nor will they stink up the field.

The defense looked like the last day of school. They all bolted. It is nice to have an all world defensive backfield – but I guess it is more fun to watch them leave – because that is what they did. I am not going to go through the list of departing players – but it is sufficient to say that Jevon Kearse and Dhani Jones are not enough to make up for the losses. And bear in mind that the Philly Cheesesteak Defense was ranked only 20th in league in terms of yards given up – but in a testament to the bend, don’t break defense, they were 7th in points allowed. In any event, they will be worse this year. And that spells doom.

Prediction

The Beagles will finish third in their division and miss the playoffs. And as far as I am concerned, good riddance.

Spicy Tuna Roll (Dallas Cowboys)

Well, well, well. Lookie what the cat dragged in. It looks like sushi time. Perhaps I am losing my mind – or perhaps I never had one. But the Dallas Cowboys look as appetizing as a platter of sushi from Marina Sushi (seriously, try the Kit’s roll – it will change your political views). Their fearless leader, though obese, has the brains to beat the NFL. Look what he did last year with a bunch of yahoos. I mean really, if Allen Iverson is the answer, then Quincy Carter is the question. I am not sure even AC knows what that means. But let me tell you. Their QB almost played for the other team – both in the sense of potentially being a homosexual and in the sense that he helped their opponents more than he helped the Cowboys. They only had one good running back and Bill never gave him the ball – Aveion Cason – I can only say it so many times. And then they had a bunch of nobodies on defense who managed to rock the house. The Defense was number one in the league in yards allowed and then number two in points. Imagine what would have happened if they could have actually held on to the ball for any realistic amount of time.

So what has happened since? Well, they drafted a stud in “orange” Julius Jones, they got a new QB Drew ‘hail to the victor conquering’ ‘no, I am not related to jim’ Henson and Keyshawn Johnson.

They improve at running back with their draft and jettisoning the unhelpful. So that is an improvement. They improve at QB – only because it was impossible to have gotten worse except if they had picked up Kerry Collins. And then I guess The Tuna felt like it wouldn’t be fair at this point – so he decided to make his life more difficult by picking up Keyshawn ‘snapple’ Johnson.

The team will romp on through. Their defense is better and their offense is marginally improved. I do wonder why they didn’t go out and spend some money on a QB. But that is for larger minds than mine to know. I just know that the Boys are back in town and they are going to do some serious damage to their division and the league.

Prediction

No less than first in their weak division and perhaps deep in the playoffs – they can’t win it all with their QB situation – but hey, Trent Dilfer won once.

Washington DC Native Americans (Washington Redskins)

The skins are sort of a train wreck. But they aren’t the kind that you have to see, they are the kind that you never hear about. Imagine a train carrying mail derailed in an empty field while going very slowly. That is what the Skins are, especially since they lost their only really entertaining personality in Spurrier. I guess they still have LaVar Arrington – so they have an iota of flair left.

The skins are just a marginal team. Yet they did really improve themselves in the off season. ‘George’ Clinton Portis is a bonified STUD. He will manufacture 80 yards on his own and then he can also catch the rock. But here is the problem. Who is going to get the ball to him? Patrick Ramsey? Tim ‘pokey’ Hasselback? Mark ‘born in the 1800s’ Brunell? Maybe one of them? I guess Brunell will start – not that that should be too much of a relief. The offense will be alright, probably better than last year.

The D, lost Chump Bailey, but got Shawn Springs (who is not that much of a drop off). The defense was bad last year but don’t fret, they will be bad again this year. The main advantage is that the defense will no longer be the red-headed-stepchild (with freckles) of the offense because Senor Spurrier is gone. So look for some marginal improvement. But don’t forget to watch former Hurricane, Sean Taylor – he may kill an opposing receiver or two – that makes great television. All in all, the skins will just be. (How existential of me).

Prediction

They take 2nd in their division – but only because the Eagles fall apart and the NYG can’t win with their rookie QB.

New York Football Giants

Everyone who reads the Jiggy column knows how I feel about the Giants… But they are a new team this year with a new coach and a new QB. They finally ditched the eternal losers, Fassel and Gary ‘don’t call be coleman’ Collins. Both of these steps were critical to creating a winning football team. Of course they managed to keep Tiki ‘fumble fingers’ Barber, Jeremy ‘it is all about me and my stupid hair’ Shockey and their marginal receiving corps. This team is awful. But not to fear ‘help is on the way.’ They drafted the prima donnas little sister, Eli. What a terrible year for the G-men.

In truth, I think the coaching switch is good and for some reason I think Eli is grittier than his awful brother. But the defense was ransacked over the off-season. Look for the G’s to just blow like a second tier porn star, not extremely well, but often.

Prediction

Last and last. They will be happy to win four games again.

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