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2004 NFC NORTH NFL PREVIEW & PREDICTION :

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Finally, Labor Day

Who’s in the NFC North?

2003 Results

Team--------------------------------------Record ATS

Fudge Packers........................................11-7

Duante, Duante, Duante.........................8-8

Monsters of the Midway........................8-8

Mariucci’s Kids........................................9-7

The Pack (Green Bay Packers)

As many of you know, I am a niner fan. And for that reason, it really hurts my insides to say the following, the Packers are a talented, well coached and gritty team. Basically the same team that went 11-7 against the spread and were one crappy decision by all-world QB, Brett Favre away from the Stupid Bowl. So how do you think they’ll play this year? I think that Favre is one year more experienced – which doesn’t mean too much. Got cabbage? He is so arrogant that he thinks every one of his passes will be complete. The bad news is that in the NF of L that is true. But if you put too much air under the ball, it may be caught by one of the bad guys. Agonizing, I know.

However, at RB you have one of the Bona Fide studs in the league. If the NFL were gay porn, Ahman Green would be on many box covers. In fact he might have a whole series named after him, not unlike Seymour Butts. He will rush for 1,500 and about 10 scores this season and he will generally give D coordinators diarrhea. He will also fumble 9 times, giving my close associate, Kraut-eef hemorrhoids – but that is a story for another time. Suffice it to say, the Pack is loaded at running back – especially with expert hamper defecator, Najeh Davenport backing up (pun could not really have been intended here) Ahman.

But the Pack are weak at WR and their defense is marginal. Rolling out Donald ‘minnie’ Driver and Robert Ferguson is like bringing knives to a gunfight – but God bless ‘em. It isn’t like Favre really gets the ball there too often anyway. I mean he either puts it on you or he throws it to some unnamed defensive back. Who knows, maybe they could put anyone out there and they’d do alright.

The defense is so much less exciting without Gilbert ‘front porch’ Brown. I don’t know how many times Madden circled that man’s gut with the telestrator, but it was enough to put it in a vaguely titillating part of my mind. Last year their D ranked 17th in the league – not even close to marginal. And they should be about the same this year. I also want to take this segment to point out a name that is unreal, ‘Cletidus Hunt.’ I don’t know who chose that name but please write to jiggy@wagercom.com and let me know how (and why) it happened. I am not going to make fun of the guy because he is 6’ 4” and 310 lbs.

Prediction

Look for the Pack to win their division again this year. The other squads just don’t have the juice. Sad really.

El Vikings (Minnesota Vikings)

All you Viking fans out there – I know you all read this column religiously; this is going to be a dismal year for you.

This team is very talented. Their QB is a big, strong and can throw the ball a mile – and that is excellent news because their fleet-footed, loud-mouthed, officer-driving-over wideout needs a cannon under center. So Duante throws deep to Randy. This team is a dream offense for Madden Football. You have a fleet-footed back and big arm and a breakout receiver. But the problem is that the real NFL isn’t really Madden. One can double Moss every play, especially since Nate Burleson isn’t going to really draw a crowd. In fact, one needn’t even cover the guy. He is borderline autistic – really, you can look it up. [Disclaimer – I have no idea if the guy is autistic or mentally deficient in any way – but I do know that he ain’t catching more than 600 yards this season.]

And let me drop a little love on Michael ‘glass skeleton’ Bennett. How do the French term this? Oh yeah, they would describe him as follows, ‘Merde.’ He is very speedy (not unlike our fearless mouse, Mr. Gonzalez) but he is also dainty and injury prone. He will not make it the whole season and if he does, the Vikes will be worse for it. I think Onterrio Smiff is a better back and runs with more purpose (read: he puts his head down and kicks some serious ass – this is the way an NFL back should run). So maybe the running game improves with the inevitable injury to Bennett.

The defense is improved this season, but still a serious liability. They were 23rd last season and really couldn’t stop anyone. In fairness, the offense turned the ball over frequently and was prone to big plays – allowing for the D to be on the field longer than the normal defense, but come on, can anyone get a stop out there? And I do want to point out that Chris Claiborne is a killer – not at he Ray Lewis level, but he can ball. Look for the D to remain relatively mediocre this year.

But the real issue with this squad is the lack of leadership from the coaching staff. Tice just can’t inspire confidence. How can you open a season like 6-0 and then not make the playoffs? And that is in the relatively weak NFC (I mean weak in record and not in strength because we all know that the average baller from the NFC would kick this hell out of the average baler from the AFC). So look for another soul-less season this year from the braided ones. I think they will show flashes, just enough to fool the odds makers- but look for them to play with no heart and drop the big games.

Prediction

I wish I could pick them to finish lower than 2nd, but the other two doormats in this division just don’t allow it.

Da Bears (Chicago Bears)

I like to think of Walter Payton and Mike Singletary turning over in their graves at the way the Bears have sucked. I know that Mike Singletary isn’t dead, but I am sure he wishes he were.

While we are on the Sweetness trip, let’s talk not forget the forgotten son. Big ups for Jerrod Payton not quite making the NFL. I actually feel bad for the guy – can you imagine if your father was the very best in the world at something and then you can’t even make a pro squad. That is the equivalent of Jenna Jameson’s kid not being able to even strip at the ‘New Century’ (http://www.newcenturysf.com).

So back to the Midgets of the Midway. They were really poor last year and guess what, they will be really poor again this year. Not to fear, Rex Grossman will lead the team. This is a total trainwreck in the works. Grossman is no Tim Couch (who will be watching this season the same way I do, but probably will doing so in a larger home.) And he will be throwing the rock to big name stars like Bobby Wade. Let me write that again because you may not have believed your own eyes. He will be throwing the rock to big name stars like Bobby Wade. The only real upgrade to the offense in the off season was the addition of Thomas Jones. He is a great back with some real toughness. Too bad he will only get a bout 6 rushes per game before the Bears will be so far behind that they have to pass three times before they punt every series. Explosiveness like this is usually reserved for Afghanis and Iraqis. Won’t GWB be proud to see this domestic firepower? What a joke.

And the Defense leaves much to be desired as well. Ranking in the bottom half of the league last year. Luckily they didn’t acquire anyone to improve their squad. So we should expect the usual highlight stories about Brian ‘Paris Hilton likes to lead me on’ Urlacher and no stops.

Bless the Bears.

Prediction

Last. Perhaps we can schedule a couple of games against Concorde De La Salle. Now that De La Salle is a little weaker (their streak finally ended) they could be a good match for the Bears.

Mariucci’s Kids (Detroit Lions)

So all the other prognosticators are picking these lovable powder blue losers as the next big team to watch – but let’s not get our undies in a bunch just yet.

Harrington is a great piano player and he is a real darling kid, but he isn’t that good a QB. The wideouts are stellar and young. And the running backs are weak. So nothing to snort about here.

The defense is sub par. I can’t say anymore about these cats.

Prediction

The pussies (play on the feline theme – work with me here) finish third.

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