The Ask AC mailbox is overflowing with reader comments so it’s time for another installment of Ask AC. Before we get to the questions though, this upcoming weekend is the annual Wagercom editorial meetings in Las Vegas, known to fans of our site as Titapalooza. The writers and editors will be congregating at the MGM Grand this year where you are welcome to join us by the pool in between our heated discussions on the future direction of this site (I vote more dick jokes), our inveterate gambling (and you are likely to catch AC at a poker table deep into Saturday morning drinking a Jack with no Coke and angrily shouting at the table), and our forays into research for Wagercom’s soon to launch psychology website devoted to why women take their shirts off and what areas of the boobs feel best to them.

Oh yeah, as always, we could use some help http://lasvegas.craigslist.org/cas/1336418189.html.

What famous sports hero changed teams and won a major championship and then retired? Hockey example would best fit my needs.

Thank you in advance.

Steve

Steve,

There are many examples of star players who have switched teams in professional sports and then won a championship But what is this hockey thing you talk about? I thought hockey had joined the NASL, pet rocks, pubic hair, and Mike Tyson by fading into Bolivian years ago. Weird.

Anyway, if I can remember back to when there was an NHL, the best example would also be the most embarrassing to Boston sports fans (like AC) and that is Raymond Bourque. Bourque played 20 years with the Bruins, never won a cup, and then the year after Boston jettisoned him to Colorado he won the Stanley Cup and retired. The most pathetic part is that he then brought the Cup to Boston and there was a parade for him. What a fucking joke.

Let me explain what this is like:

Imagine if you have a hot girlfriend who blows you all the time, is great in bed, but is a total gold digger. She is high maintenance and always spending your money. After 20 years her looks fade a bit (though she still gives a mean hummer) and you start to worry that you’ll never get ahead because all of your money goes to her clothes, jewelry, etc.. You want to retire soon but you can’t because of her. So you break up with her and a year and a half later, she wins the Power Ball lottery for $100MM, flies back into town to take you out to the nicest restaurant for dinner (lobster tails, Dom Perignon, foie gras, etc.) shows you her new fake boobs, and then jets away to live off her money leaving you with nothing.

This is exactly what the Ray Bourque trade and parade was like. Bourque was the hot wife who starting aging and whose contract got too expensive so was traded for financial reasons. Then he finally won the cup (hit the lottery), and brought it back to celebrate (rub it in your face) with the fans by having a parade (taking you out to a fancy dinner) before he left again leaving you with an empty dismal lamentable feeling.

Un-fucking believable. Bruins fans were pathetic for attending that parade. Pathetic.

Anyway, that should answer your question. And if you want that hot gold digging wife, just bet along with AC during the NBA season where he was 57% against the spread this year. Come for the free dough, stay for the dick jokes.

God Bless,

AC Titticock IIIi Esquire

6 Time award winning NBA writer

www.wagercom.com

Hey AC, love your column. Damn entertaining. I'm going to shoot a couple questions at you.

1) I think it would be amusing if you talked about the WNBA games. Give us the lines for a week in the summer simply for humors sake, and of course the obligatory dick jokes. I was in Vegas for two weeks and had a guy talking betting on the WNBA, and I just sat there listening to him drone on as I sipped my drink, wondering WHO THE FUCK EVEN WATCHES THE WNBA? How on earth can you bet on something you know nothing about, and I've seen two games now, and who the fuck can watch it? How is it we are stuck with this shit being shoved down our throats, and yet can't see a lot of NBA games during the season? How the fuck does this shit even exist? I'd rather watch NBA Summer league with it's 10 foul-a-thon which allows Amir Johnson to stay in the game for 6 minutes instead of the usual 2 than this crap. Hell the XFL was better than this. Fuck ESPN.

2) As a Pistons fan, last year was rough, but I am pretty optimistic about the future of the team down the road. Sure they are a few pieces away, but I think they are a better team this year than last (of course once they move Hamilton I'll be happier). I think Stuckey will improve, be a bit more consistent, I don't get why people are so rough on him. He improved in the chaos of last year, and I think he could still be a solid PG. If we move Hamilton, isn't BG just a better outside shooting, younger version of Hamilton? It isn't as if Hamilton is a defensive god either, I see the same liabilities with bigger upside. RaWeed played when he felt like and was a locker room cancer, and I hate to lose Dyess, but he wants a ring. We got Wilcox who won't try to shoot 6 3's a game like RaWeed and Villanueva can fill that 3 shooting. We are at least younger and can run. Summers, Daye, and I REALLY like Jerebko, who doesn't mind rebounding. What do you think?

J. Jones

Mr. Jones,

Glad you like the column. AC has much love for all of his fans (though a bit more love for his fans with big breasteses, but don’t take it too personally) and apologizes for the delay in answering your e-mail. While AC tries to get back to everyone in a timely manner, he has avidly and deciduously been planning for the upcoming Wagercom.com annual meeting and extravaganza in Las Vegas at the end of August where we discuss the direction of the site (my vote is for more Jiggy (and if you haven’t read Jiggy’s football columns, they are among the internet’s best in bad, but loving advice) and less DJ), the need for strip clubs with full nudity to serve alcohol (quick hint: if you’re going to a fully nude strip club, smuggle in the airplane sized liquor bottles and thank me later), and our love of all things vagina.

Anyway, quick thought on your idea:

1. While I applaud the originality of picking WNBA games, AC has limited time. You see, there is this thing called the internet and on that internet there is something else called porn, and lots of it (and if you don’t believe me, go to www.spankwire.com and enjoy yourself some Carmella Bing). And it’s not just regular porn, but there is midget porn, there is ATM porn, and most of all there is Carmen Kinsley. So you can see, any time AC devotes to the WNBA is time he would be spending away from porn. So while I agree that it would be very funny to make dick jokes about all of the butch lesbos who play basketball (such as what’s the difference between Lisa Leslie and Shaquille O’Neal? Lisa Leslie has a bigger penis. Or one could joke about Sheryl Swoops eating more fish than Jeremy Piven. Heck one could flip it around and even ask what the difference between Diana Taurasi and Kendall Gill is? The difference being that Kendall Gill sucks more dick), like all things in life, there is a tradeoff. The trade-off between the NBA picks column and porn works because my NBA picks make $ (6 years above .500) but as I have no edge on the WNBA, I would merely be guessing and writing dick jokes for free. Great idea, but AC needs his porn time.

2. I don’t share your high hopes for the Pistons. If you don’t like Rip Hamilton, you are going to hate Ben Gordon. Ben Gordon is like Vinny Johnson, only if Vinny Johnson hated to pass, hated to play defense, and had a slight case of mental retardation. Stuckey has the upside but never have I watched him play and thought, wow, this guy is going to be an all-star. His decision making is more questionable than Britney Spears’ after an 8 ball and a fifth of jack daniels. As for Charlie Villanueva, he’s a nice complimentary player, but nothing more than that. Daye kind of reminds me of the shorter, skinnier version of Darko (sorry to do that to you) which is not good and I have no fucking idea about jerebko except at the draft he looked like he’s put more than his fair share of bananas into tailpipes if you get my drift. I don’t know, you’re running out Rip, Stuckey, Villanueva, Gordon and Wilcox, Ben Wallace, or Kwame Brown, ugh. I just don’t get it to be honest. I’ve always thought Maxiell had some talent but now he may actually be a poor man’s Big Baby Davis, and that really isn’t a compliment. Sorry, but I think this is going to be a tough year for Detroit. Maybe you sneak into a 7th or 8ff seed, but at best a one and done in the playoffs.

Enjoy the Stuckey,

AC Titticock IIIi Esquire

Lead NBA writer www.wagercom.com

AC,

What is the deal with this Caster Semenya runner chick or dude? How do people not know if she is really a female? What is so hard about finding out?

TA

That is an interesting question. I have no idea why there are even questions about this as it’s not like Caster Semenya just started running. They say they are going to do gender tests on her (which I am told involve showing her a bunch of musicals and asking her if she likes kittens) but those tests may not even be conclusive. I am totally perplexed by this. Why wouldn’t you just look for an adam’s apple which seems pretty non-invasive or just have her drop her drawers. Seriously, if she has a clit, protestors must submit. Either the plumbing is right or it isn’t. Again, totally perplexing.

If for some reason the complex gender tests don’t yield definitive results, AC has come up with the ultimate 100% way of knowing her gender (and AC has already trademarked this test). The only problem with this test is that it takes one year, but it will end all questions. What you do is you have Semenya find a guy and marry him. If after one year Semenya no longer is sucking his dick, that means she is female. Done and done.

AC Titticock IIIi Esquire

PS Visit AC's NBA Basketball Picks Page new content coming in November.

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