It’s been awhile since the last Ask AC and my mail box is fuller than Michael Vick’s bong. That means it’s time to answer some of the most pertinent questions I have received over the last several weeks, even a left over one from earlier in the year, instead of just sitting on my sofa counting down the days until the Celtics win their 17th Championship.

Before I get to your questions though, I wanted to give you one piece of advice, if you’re ever in a fight with a guy with no arms, watch his head.

Now on to the questions:

Any thoughts on the Isiah Thomas trial? Did he sexually harass that lady?

Thanks,

Mel T

Well if you’re still a Knicks fan, and I know there are some of you out there, can you explain how Isiah Thomas still has a job because I can’t? It’s one thing to be a bad GM, another thing to be a bad coach, but to be an ass on top of all of that just doesn’t make sense. I am still convinced he has Oscar De La Hoya type incriminating photos of James Dolan and am anxiously awaiting for them to be released (though I am more anxious for the internet only release of Wes Anderson’s new short film Hotel Chevalier, mainly, and by mainly I mean only, because Natalie Portman has an extensive nude scene).

Anyway, as for your question, the only reason I believe Isiah is guilty of sexual harassment is because the woman he is accused of harassing is a former basketball player from AC’s own Northwestern University, which means not only does she look like a man but she is probably hung like Shaq. And due to all of those kissing incidents with Magic Johnson, we know Isiah has a predilection for the weiner. Isiah loves the wide stance if you know what I mean.

One more thing that has to hurt for Knicks fans, their starting point guard and key decision maker, who I might add is filthy rich and famous, decided to bang this chick. It does explain Marbury’s awful on court choices though, but I guess at least he is consistent.

A friend and I are in a debate and cannot find the answer short of calling the AD offices at the respective universities.

What was the true game scheduling history between the University of Michigan and the University of Oregon regarding their latest 2-game rivalry?

One of us states that the original schedule was that Oregon was to come play at Michigan in 2002 and Michigan to play at Oregon in 2003, but due to such a competitive pre-season schedule (Washington, Oregon and Notre Dame) the game was rescheduled with Oregon to play at Oregon in 2003 and the two to meet again at Michigan at a later date.

The other one of us states that there was never a game scheduled in 2002 and that Michigan was always scheduled to play at Oregon in 2003 and that the University of Michigan changed the date of the 2nd-leg of the 2 games to be played at a later date at Michigan.

We both can't find anything online and were wondering if you could help us. We have $100 riding on it.

Cheers,

Ashley

Ashley,

First of all, I hope you are a really hot chick, and not just because I like e-mailing hot chicks (though I really do, especially if by “e-mailing” I mean fondling, but in a non-creepy, nurturing way), but because this is the most asinine question I have received in the four years I have been doing this.

Usually I get questions which are relatively easy to answer like “who is going to win the NBA playoffs,” or “how much do AND1 players make,” or “if I slept with Shawn Kemp last week, does that mean I am automatically pregnant, and if so, will my kid have herpes?,” but your question is something beyond the means of even the great Titticock.

To be frank (and I am not sure why I would want to be Frank since I quite enjoy being AC), the only way I could possibly answer your question is if I were to go back in time to 2002 and infiltrate the Michigan and/or Oregon athletic departments (and believe me, if I could go back in time there are about 1 trillion things I would do first including making sure Len Bias never snorted coke, making sure Robin Williams had never been born, and making my family the leaders of the planet Lesbos, but I digress). Alternatively I could call Bill Martin or Bill Moos and ask them about their scheduling except for an unfortunate accident last year involving a goat, a tub of honey, some lipstick, and a 4 speed Yugo at the NCAA’s annual AD meetings which have left me out of the good graces of division I ADs for awhile even though I maintain the goat was over 16.

Anyway, since I am assuming you are a hot chick, and not just some dude who got screwed with a chick’s name, I found a way to get at the answer to your question with the belief that some photos of you and your sorority sisters in some delicious action will be coming my way. The answer you are looking for is talked about on this link. I hope this sufficiently answers your question.

By the way, I wanted to congratulate you on the lack of obvious grammatical errors in your e-mail. While your question was bizarre, your language was much better than the average Neanderthal written e-mails I receive. I can only assume you are a very cunning linguist.

Night Court,

AC Titticock IIIi Esquire

My friend and I are having a debate about the college football national chapion. My question is this. Who is the national chapion on this day 12/31/06. My friend says Texas, I say there is no national chapion on this day and that it will be decided on Jan.8th when Florida and Ohio State meet. His point being that a team is the national champ until the next national chapionship game is played. My point is that Texas was the national chapion last football season but currently there is no national chapion because this years national chapionship game hasn't been played yet. Please tell me who is correct.

Thanks,

Ken K

Ken,

First of all, you might want to get the “m” fixed on your typewriter or learn how to correctly spell “champion.”

Secondly, do you and your friend also debate whether the year 2000 or 2001 was the beginning of the 21st century (http://www.geek-central.gen.nz/peeves/21st_century_start.html or http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/21st_century)? Or if solanum or lycopersicon is the correct genus of the tomato (I would go with solanum, but I am a sucker for the classics)?

Anyway, I am glad you and your friend like debating semantics, but in actuality, you are both wrong. The NCAA does not conduct a national championship for division 1-A football. Therefore, there is no NCAA sponsored national champion and thus technically there is no NCAA division 1-A football champion . So Texas certainly can’t be the champion as of 12/31/2006 (and I am not making that up).

The BCS champion is technically what you are asking about and Texas is the 2005 national champion and the defending 2005 national champion. Thus as of 12/31/2006 they are the 2005 national champion and that is it. You are correct in that there is no 2006 national champion but your friend is correct in that Texas is the defending champion. In theory you could argue either side (like the solanum or lycopersicon tomato debate), but as I showed before, the NCAA does not recognize a national champion which I believe would make you right and your friend wrong as according to the NCAA Texas is not the national champion today, tomorrow, or ever.

Happy Hunting,

AC Titticock IIIi Esquire

PS Visit AC's NBA Basketball Picks Page new content coming in November.

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