Eddy Curry:

Eddy is the best remaining free agent in the NBA if you are in the market for big, lazy, underachieving, busts. I often wonder if Eddy Curry’s heart problem is at all related to the fact that he has none. Ok, that was rough but have you ever seen the guy play? I have said this many times, but he has the talent and skills to be a dominant NBA player, a younger more offensively skilled Shaq if you will. Unfortunately though, he has less maturity than a Real World cast member (and yes I just said member). I saw the Bulls last year in Philly and he dominated the first half before completely disappearing in the second half because of lack of conditioning. The thing is he has a really nice inside game, a soft touch from 6-7 feet out, and huge hands (hmm, maybe he should get into porn as Peter North had those same 3 qualities which made him the legend that he is). Anyway, the odds are that the Bulls re-sign this joker and he languishes in mediocrity for another year before moving on. I haven’t seen this much wasted talent since the great Rashard Griffith whose family actually heckled me at a NU-Wisconsin game.

Paul Pierce:

Ugh, what do the Celtics do about this mess. In their great playoff run of 2002, Pierce was the man. He played with a desire and hunger that whole year which I had not seen in a Celtics player since the great Larry Legend, and I am not making that up. I watched every game that year and from day one you could see the fire in his eyes and the determination in his game. So what happened? Well he got stabbed, he got rich, he got petulant, and most of all he got publicity. He is like the Dave Chapelle of the NBA. A great talent that just can’t handle the media pressure. When Antoine came back last year it saved Paul from the spotlight and he was able to step up his game.

So what do you do with a player who can be one of the top 10 in the NBA, yet has the leadership abilities of Wile E. Coyote and Scottie Pippen combined, and who also does not get along with his coach (which probably isn’t his fault as Doc Rivers is a moron but I will save that for the NBA preview next month)? I think you roll the dice with Paul, hope he has matured, and if not, get 70 cents on the dollar for him midway through the year. If Al Jefferson continues to improve and demonstrates that he can also be a leader, getting 70% of Paul Pierce in a player who is willing to fit into the system will be just fine. If Jefferson struggles, then maybe Danny can trade for ‘Toine again (and yes I am joking).

Now on to reader questions:

When did the NFL stop playing the first week games on the Sunday before Labor Day and why?

The Marks Family

Nancy and Bill,

And I hope this is from Nancy as I have a thing for married women, and by married women, I mean all women, especially those that like other chicks (Bill isn’t short for Cherie is it?).

Anyway, according to this site the 2002 season was the first that featured an NFL opening game not played on the Sunday before Labor Day as the Niners and Giants squared off on a Thursday night.

The reason for this is simple, money and hookers (well, except for the hookers). The NFL is bigger entertainment than anything the US has seen since the heyday of Nell Carter on Gimme a Break (and I mean that literally more than figuratively). To capitalize on their success and bring in more sponsorship dollars, the NFL moved to this opening game extravaganza which has now devolved into a Freddy Prinze announced Ozzy Osbourne belting out some horrendous song while the World Champion Patriots take the field.

As a side note, who the hell is Freddy Prinze and why was he on my tv? Also, did anyone see Tom Brady when he came out of the tunnel? He looked like he wanted to climb on stage and kill Ozzy, which would have been weird since I though Ozzy died 3 years ago. I hear next year they are working on getting Diddy (notice the correct name usage) to open up the NFL to ensure it gets suckier every year (and by suckier, I mean much suckier, like watching 1970’s porn and thanking god for the invention of the bikini wax and better razors).

Dear AC,

My fantasy team includes both Thomas ‘the Nigerian nightmare’ Jones and Cedric ‘I have nothing to do with the black butler on the show’ Benson. I want to start them both, but I am wondering what the probability is that both of them have 100 yards and at least one touchdown. I know you were a consultant as well as a lover of lesbian porn, so I am sure you can give me a mathematically correct answer.

Thanks

L. Pierre

Des Moines, Iowa

That is quite a fantasy team you have Mr. Pierre. Let me guess, you were either inebriated when you drafted or are in a 50 team league. The problem with having both of them on your team, besides the obvious point that they both individually suck, is that they also both collectively suck as they both play for the Bears. While the Bears are playing a mediocre Lions team, judging by the fact that their quarterback throws like Kyle Orton (actually, their quarterback is Kyle Orton, yuck) they will not get many passing yards. This will allow the Lions to go with a 10 man front (give or take 6) and crush the Bears’ attempts to run.

So if you figure the average NFL running back gets 3.1 yards per carry, and Jones and Benson are 70% (at best) as good as the average NFL running back, that means they will average 2.17 yards per carry. In other words, each will need 46 carries in the game to get 100 yards. The Bears ran 46 non-punting/kicking offensive plays last week, 39% of which were running plays. So the Bears would not only need to increase the number of plays they run, but also not throw the ball, poison the whole Lions team before the game and replace them with kindergartners (and not regular kindergartners, but midget kindergartners), and teach Cedric Benson the offense. In short, I put the odds at 932,000-1 or about the same as a Bob Denver comeback (and yes I should be shot for that joke).

I see you are a big Janine Lindemulder fan. I wonder how you feel now that she has come back and is only working with men. Are you among her legions that are disappointed with this decision?

SSP Oxford, Oh

You know, this question was bound to come up sooner or later so I might as well take a shot at it (see this for a description of Janine's career and career choices). I am a bit perplexed by her decision, kind of like how I felt about Jordan coming back to play for the Wizards or Bronson Pinchot coming back to be in the Surreal Life. I loved Janine’s work in her prime as she brought lesbian porn to heights previously unthought of with her dedication to the craft like none had ever witnessed before and likely will ever witness again. While I support her comeback, her creative decision makes me wonder if we would feel the same about Gary Coleman if he ever made an appearance without saying “Watchu talking about?” or about Isiah Thomas if ever make a trade that went well for him? I don’t think so, as we humans like to feel comfortable and don’t like change. And that is the crux of my problem. You see, I became a fan of Janine for what she was, plain and simple, and while I can still appreciate her work, I don’t think it can ever be quite the same, and for this I am a bit sad, not sad enough to stop watching (and at the moment I am downloading Maneater), but sad enough to feel like a small part of me has died.

As a quick note, did any of you see that Sandra Bullock married Janine’s ex-husband, some dude named Jesse James? This means Sandra Bullock must just be filthy, filthy enough to make me want to go back and watch all of her movies (and by “go back” I mean watch for the first time).

Until next time, AC.

PS Visit AC's NBA Basketball Picks Page new content coming in November.

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