Gary Payton Signs a one year deal with the Heat:

I was and still am a big fan of the Heat’s moves so far this offseason but this one really makes no sense. Payton is not willing to accept a role as a ten minute a game player, and yet that is what he should be at best. Last year, he played like he was in quicksand and almost single handedly kept the Celtics from running the ball (and by almost I mean definitely and without a doubt). Not only did he slow the team down, but he complained about minutes and impeded the progress of Delonte West and Marcus Banks, though Marcus’s inability to understand how to run an offense or pass to an open man could have been an impediment as well.

The problem with Payton is that he is just not very good anymore and thus not worth the hassle. On a team that already has more egos than the cast of a Love Boat episode (You get Charo, Bonnie Franklin, and Vic Tabak in the same room and tell me sparks won’t fly?), adding one of the biggest egos in the league for a mediocre 10 minutes a game is probably not the best idea. I mean, didn’t Shaq learn this two years ago when playing with Payton in LA? This is not going to turn out well, probably better than Jenny McCarthy’s Dirty Love (I implore you to read Roger Ebert’s review, really I do, and I am not even 100% sure what implore means), but not as good cornbread, mmm cornbread.

Lee Nailon comes to terms with the Sixers:

Good move for Lee who has never seen a shot he didn’t like. I am excited to see what happens if he and Iverson ever get on the court together since passing to them is like funny to an episode of Mad About You or coaching third base is to Dale Sveum.

Darius Sonaglia signs with the Bulls:

Umm, if anyone cares about this move, I ask them to seek help.

Now on to the questions:

AC, what sports writers do you read on a regular basis? Who else should I check out?

EJ Santa Clara, CA

I read a ton of sportswriters, but unfortunately have to limit myself due to something called work. The ones I try to read as much as I can are Bob Ryan, Peter Gammons, Bill Simmons, Rob Neyer, and Angry Jay Marriotti who never saw a player he liked (except for Michael Jordan who I think he actually fellated once in a bathroom and Sammy Sosa who even he turned against at the end). Also, Jason Whitlock is growing on me, mainly because he loves talking up his buddy Jeff George (and I am not making that up). The best feature writers are Leigh Montville and Frank Deford, but they aren’t as prolific and Chad Ford puts out a decent NBA column, though he is wrong 90% of the time (but at least he tries).

As for the worst sportswriters, there are really two in a category all by themselves (there used to be three, but I make like STEVEN A SMITH doesn’t exist). There is that Gregg (and yes he uses 3 Gs in Gregg because he is a moronnn) Easterbrook and the king of all idiots Dan “Curly haired boyfriend” Shaughnessy of the Boston Globe. The problem with Easterbrook is that I think he tries to be funny, but I am not really sure since he never actually writes anything funny (imagine my column without dick jokes, porn references, or shots at Isiah Thomas). I would actually prefer to watch an Everybody Loves Raymond Episode while the Dixie Chicks play country music in the background than have to read an article by that dope.

And the weird thing is, I would rather read him than Shaughnessy. Shaughnessy is an idiot, a bore, a moron, and makes me ashamed to be a sportswriter (and I use that term loosely). He takes no joy in his job and takes pleasure in writing negatively about players, even calling the David Ortiz signing a terrible move and trying to run him out of town like he did Carl Everett (nice move Dan). Luckily, I have not read a Shaughnessy article in 4 years, ever since he ripped Paul Pierce during the Celtics playoff run of 2001 for no reason. But on the bright side, not reading his drivel has given me 2 to 3 minutes back a day which I can now spend downloading more porn or praying to the great football god in the sky for Northwestern to fire Randy Walker (oh please do this, please get rid of him).

Who is the career leader in sacrifices?

JB Pittsburgh

I think it would be Mola Ram from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom either that or whoever has to sleep with Kathy Griffin on a nightly basis (drum shot please). However, I think you are referring to baseball and in that case, Eddie Collins is the runaway career leader in sacrifice hits with 512 and Eddie Murray is the career leader in sacrifice flies with 128.

Has an NFL team ever gone through a season without winning a game?

KC

You’re not a Vikings fan are you? Duante loves throwing to the other team, but I think they’ll pull one out eventually. In the modern day (Post Super Bowl I), the only team to go defeated for an entire season is the 1976 expansion Tampa Bay Buccaneers who went 0-14 but apparently led the league in number of pickles sniffed, whatever that means.

Surprisingly enough, the worst team in the NFL was not the 1990 Patriots led by the gregarious and effusive Rod Rust (only substitute gregarious and effusive with cadaver like). Rust was the architect of the Steel Curtain defense of the great Pittsburgh teams of the 1970s and was able to bring that defensive knowledge to the Patriots offense, causing them to be sacked on almost every play. To note how bad this Patriots team was, it was worse than the Dick McPherson coached team two years later that went 2-14 and we all know Dick McPherson is to coaching what Stephen Hawking is to the 40 yard dash (and yes I know that was awful, but how else do you explain Dick McPherson?).

Until next time, AC

PS Visit AC's NBA Basketball Picks Page new content coming in November.

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