ASK AC - YOUR QUESTIONS GET ANSWERED

08/10/04 YOUR SPORTS QUESTIONS ANSWERED


With the NBA season over, Wagercom.com will be starting a new feature with NBA guru AC Titticock. AC will be answering reader e-mail every week or two, so keep e-mailing him with questions, ideas, and/or naked photos of your sisters. Questions can be about the NBA, Major League Baseball, Fantasy sports, or the great Taylor Rain-Janine Lindemuller debate. Just send your questions to ac@wagercom.com

After the deluge of e-mails from fans, it’s time for another addition of Ask AC. Thanks for the questions, I’ll do my best to reply to all who write, even those who suggested I should try to “procreate” with myself (as a side note, I already try this, often several times a day, and by several I mean 8).

AC, you’re from boston, what do you make of this Nomar trade? Seems like the Sox got the Bagwell treatment if you know what I mean.

Natalie Clifford NYC, NY

Big red dog, I agree with you. I don’t get this from the Red Sox perspective. They traded Nomar, who is arguably still one of the top 4 shortstops in the game for an average shortstop and a slick fielding no-hit firstbaseman.

Ok, so let’s make the assumption that the Sox weren’t going to sign Nomar at the end of the year, so they wanted to trade him to make sure they would have something to show for him. That’s fine, but they needed to trade for pitching. Let them roll out Pokey Reese at short, they were fine doing that at the beginning of the year. Their problem now is that their pitchers keep letting opposing hitters hit the ball out of the park and when they do that, the shortstop does not matter. I’m a little torn on Nomar as he has faded a quite a bit and seems like he is always hurt. That said, hitting .300 with 25 homers isn’t bad for a fading shortstop. They should have signed him long term or traded him for a pitcher. Young Theo may have finally struck out on this one.

Let’s look at the Cubs though. If Nomar is healthy, they basically gave up a bunch of marginal minor leaguers and Alex Gonzalez (who I believe somehow also plays for the Marlins) for an all-star. Nomar, Sammy, Aramis Ramirez, and Alou. That is an awesome line-up. I don’t see how the Cubs don’t win the wild card now (unless of course they play like the Cibs).

He (Ricky Williams) has already got millions in his pocket and he can walk way and do nothing for the rest of his life, even if invested by a half-wit. Don't read about Mike Tyson at this point.

Run Ricky Run. Head for the Geisha houses...

Jay Atkinson Carlsbad, CA

Jay, if that is your real name, I have to agree with you wholeheartedly. Ricky has better things to do than make money, have fame, and bone hot chicks. He can now devote his time entirely to the pursuit of marijuana and penis, his two favorite past times. Ricky is an odd fellow and I don’t think we know the whole story yet. But let’s look at this in perspective, it’s not like Larry Bird just retired. Ricky Williams never made his teams better, rushed for like 1.6 yards per carry, and fumbled more than I did going for my wallet during my first visit to the World Famous Mitchell Brothers O’Farrell Theatre. In a nut shell (and I have no idea how one would get in a nut shell but work with me here), the Dolphins will be just as bad with Ricky as without him as they have to deal with the force known as Wannstedt, the missing link between the Neanderthal Man and Australopithecus Anamensis (http://www.talkorigins.org/faqs/homs/species.html#anamensis, shout out to my man Dick Leakey by the way)

What is with the USA basketball team? They already suspended three players and haven’t even left for the Olympics yet. Is this just a disaster waiting to happen?

Paul P. Boston, MA

Look, we all know USA basketball is in trouble when Allen Iverson is the wise old veteran. He has already corrupted Amare Stoudamire and LeDong like Mr. Horton did to a young Arnold Jackson (http://www.tvtome.com/tvtome/servlet/GuidePageServlet/showid-601/epid-27221). All three of them missed a team meeting and got benched for the first warm-up game. However, in their favor they had a bunch of groupies to bone and you just can’t leave them hanging there, trust me, I know all about this, they go stale if left alone for more than 15 minutes, kind of like brie cheese, or a Krispy Kreme doughnut, and I’m not entirely sure what that means.

This team is going to have a hard time winning a gold medal because they have no shooters, no point guards (don’t give me that Marbury crap), and no heart. Maybe LeDong takes the stage ala Jordan but I think he and Melo are going to spend more time smoking the sticky ricky and nailing Greek chicks then they are going to spend thinking about hoops.

AC,

If it was your last night on earth which of the following three scenarios would you undertake and why?

1) Threesome with janine lindemuller and taylor rain

2) One night at The World Famous Mitchell Brothers O’Farrell Theatre with Bill Gate’s ATM card

3) Seeing Larry Bird come out of retirement to lead the Celtics to another NBA championship.

A concerned fan

This is actually a much easier question than you think but I’ll break it down part by part to help you understand,

First of all, let’s look at the choice between the Taylor Rain-Janine combo and a trip to Mitchell Brother’s for unlimited fun. This is actually fairly easy if you think about it. What would I get out of 19 strippers that I wouldn’t get out of Taylor and Janine? Seriously, I want to know. I know there is something to be said about volume but we are talking about the two premier artists of our time and it’s not like I was born with more than two hands and two feets. I am only one man and can only concentrate on so many things at once. Plus, at The Brothers, you would always be worrying about some creepy guy watching you or being in a room and having somebody walk in or listen to your enjoyment. It’s just a whole scene that you don’t need. You take Taylor, you take Janine, and you enjoy the comfort and privacy of your own home.

Now that we have eliminated one choice, let’s look at the decision between Bird coming back and leading the Celtics to glory compared to Taylor and Janine leading me to glory. I’d love to see Bird come back and win a title but to be honest, why do we root for our teams to win?

We do it for 2 reasons: 1. To brag to our shitbag friends (and by shit bag I mean good) about how much better we are than them because our team is number one; and 2. to feel like we’re part of a collective whole by rooting for something along with the masses. When your team wins, it brings your city together and instead of feeling all alone and like the worthless loser that you are, you feel like everybody is your friend and maybe they will finally be accepting of your incontinence problems.

So, if tomorrow is my last day on earf, point 1 is not applicable because I won’t be able to brag to anybody about the victory and as for point 2, nothing will make me feel any closer to my fellow human beings than a romp with Janine and Taylor (and by a romp I mean several romps, like 6 or 5,000). Seriously, god, moses, allah, jebus, Jose Oquendo (http://www.baseball-reference.com/o/oquenjo01.shtml), or whoever, put us on this planet for two reasons, to try to mate with Taylor Rain and to mix turkey, chicken and duck into a wonderful piece of magic they call turducken (http://fp.thesalmons.org/lynn/turducken.html).

So in a landslide, a night with Taylor and Janine trumps the others like the 1986 Celtics destroyed all who came in their path.

Until Next time, AC.

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