ASK AC - YOUR QUESTIONS GET ANSWERED

09/23/04 YOUR SPORTS QUESTIONS ANSWERED


With the NBA season over, Wagercom.com will be starting a new feature with NBA guru AC Titticock. AC will be answering reader e-mail every week or two, so keep e-mailing him with questions, ideas, and/or naked photos of your sisters. Questions can be about the NBA, Major League Baseball, Fantasy sports, or the great Taylor Rain-Janine Lindemuller debate. Just send your questions to ac@wagercom.com

I’m back, with answers to your questions about sports, life, and the great Taylor Rain. Before I get to the Q&A, there have been a bunch of requests to read the unedited e-mails my buddy sent me and then posted on our wagercom.com messageboard: (http://dcforum.whathelps.com/sportshelps/forums/Wagercom/23.html) so if you are interested, send me an e-mail at ac@wagercom.com and I’ll send those out. Trust me, they are good, seriously, imagine how bad they must be if they were edited on wagercom.com, a site that regularly references the work of Janine Lindemulder, the famous Pepe “dirty” Sanchez, and the sexual preferences of one Peyton “It’s raining men” Manning.

I should also warn all of you that this may actually be my last Q&A as I am headed here:

http://leadership.wharton.upenn.edu/l_change/trips/Corps.shtml for the next two days and it’s not clear if I’ll come back in one piece.

Anyway, on to the questions:

Who do you think is going to win the world series? I know you are a sox fan (fat chance dumbo) so will likely pick them, but if you were an objective reporter, what would you think?

J Reed, New Haven, CT.

Tough question, especially as there is still a tight playoff race in the NL. However, since I don’t actually quite know what to make of the Sox, I am going to avoid the AL altogether (though there is no way the Twins make the series) and focus on the NL representative.

Atlanta may actually have a chance this year as there is no pressure on them and they have a nice little team. Problem is their pitching is not built for the post-season (Jaret Wright had a nice year but would you put money on him?). Their bullpen is ok, not terrific, and Smoltz has shown some weakness this year (his 7.82 ERA over the last month is Schiraldi-esque). I don’t see them getting to the Series.

Now two out of the Giants, Dodgers, and Cubs are going to make the playoffs. To be honest, the Giants suck and I mean that in the least sexual most insulting way. Their pitching is terrible even if Brett Tomko has turned into Tom Seaver all of a sudden. Plus Barry Bonds chokes in the playoffs like a 14 year old Beijing girl in a bukakke movie (and yes, this time I actually know what I mean).

As for the Dodgers, they are not that good either. Other than Adrian “contract year” Beltre, their hitters are all Joe Randa-esque. Shawn Green is marginal, Steve Finley is overrated, and Pedro Guerrero is no longer on their team. No way for LA.

If the Cubs make the playoffs, I like their chance quite a bit. If Wood, Prior, Zambrano, and Clement pitch to their potential, they will be tough. However, more than anything they need a healthy Sammy Sosa. If Sammy is still slumping, they are as good as done.

Therefore, the big winner in all of this is the Cardinals. Pujols, Rolen, Edmonds, Walker, Renteria, are you kidding me? These guys can flat out hit. This is not the Tommy Herr-Willie McGee Cardinals of the mid 1980s. I don’t think there is an answer to them even with their mediocre starting pitching. They are going to the series, hands down.

Why did Hawaii change their name from the Rainbows to the Warriors once the gay community adopted the rainbow as symbol? They were much better as the rainbows.

Wonger Mikala, Philadelphia, PA

I could sit here and call you a homosexual for even asking that question, tell you you’re a pickle sniffing, pillow biting, assmuncher, or even refer to you as lucky Pierre or worse his even gayer friend unlucky Pierre, but I am sure you have been called all of these things before. Look, the reason they changed names is very simple, they are not gay. Now get back to your Richard Simmons Sweating to the Oldies video and leave the Warriors alone.

Dear AC,

I have a very interesting dilemma.

I recently had a weird experience and want to know if you have ever been in such a bind.

Sure, I was at a ‘club’ and I saw something odd. I saw a gimpy, shirtless midget being jerked off by a transsexual. At first I was frightened, but then I was mildly aroused. Should I be concerned?

Confused Reader

Confused reader, interestingly enough I once found myself in that same situation and to be honest you would be surprised how often the “I once saw a gimpy shirtless midget being jerked off by a transsexual” story comes up in party conversations.

First of all, it is ok to be frightened, we are all somewhat scared by what we don’t understand. When I saw this act of debauchery, my first reaction was for my jaw to hit the ground, and my second reaction was a strong and unflinching desire to want to throw acid on my eyes to burn them forever and thus never be able to witness such a horrific scene. However, I kept my composure as a friend of mine was about to walk into the same room and witness the monstrosity. So like a good friend, I kept quiet, didn’t warn him, and let him view it unencumbered by others reactions. Needless to say I believe he has still not recovered that scene.

Now as for your mild arousal, I guess it would depend on whether it was the midget or the transsexual that caused this to happen. If it were the midget, than I would say yes, you probably should be concerned about your preferences. However, if it were the transsexual, I may be able to buy the fact that you were so drunk that you thought it was chick and then imagined you were said midget. Hey, that can happen. I have a friend who sometimes imagines he is a girl when he is going down on a chick, and thus tries to live out a lesbian experience (of course this works best when billy joel music is playing). So sometimes it is ok to project, I guess, I just wouldn’t share it with too many people.

I have a rough week this week as Corey Dillion and Keary Colbert are on their bye week. I have no backup running back to take Dillion's place(at least I may not, due to Ron Dayne possibly being injured) Why I didn't draft 3 good running back's is beyond me, I plead temporary insanity and plead for you help. I've been trying to look over what's left for RB in my leauge and it isn't much. I was thinking Cory Schlesinger, but i really have no idea yet. Here's the list of what's available. Any insight would be enormously helpful. This is mostly just a plug in for week 3. Our leauge setup is QB, 2 to 3 RB, 2 to 3 WR, TE, K, TEAM D.

Damian Maher

Dude, you need help. Your team sucks and there is nothing you can really do about it now other than perhaps plead insanity or blame saddam hussein. If I were you, I would get $100 in singles, spend $3 of them at the corner store on a 40 of St. Ides and then go to the nearest strip club with the other $97 and enjoy your Sunday afternoon.

Alternatively, if you don’t have $100, I suggest a quiet afternoon at www.jordancapri.com (you may need a credit card) or simply go to www.thumbnailpost.com for free (they have nice amateur spreads and decent lesbian pics). If neither of those work for you, try the user friendly www.mobog.com and check out the queenylove pics (and yes I know way too much about this but my fantasy team sucks too so now instead of watching football I am only watching naked ladies).

If you really want a RB either throw all the names into Excel and use the random number generator or take a gamble on JR Redmond. He gets a few touches a game and if Tybone Wheatley sucks as bad as usual he is bound to get more carries.

Until Next Time, AC.

contact AC at ac@wagercom.com or post your questions/comments on the Wagercom Message Board

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