ASK AC - YOUR QUESTIONS GET ANSWERED

10/07/04 YOUR SPORTS QUESTIONS ANSWERED


With the NBA season over, Wagercom.com will be starting a new feature with NBA guru AC Titticock. AC will be answering reader e-mail every week or two, so keep e-mailing him with questions, ideas, and/or naked photos of your sisters. Questions can be about the NBA, Major League Baseball, Fantasy sports, or the great Taylor Rain-Janine Lindemuller debate. Just send your questions to ac@wagercom.com

Life is good. My Northwestern Wildcats beat The Ohio State Buckeyes on Saturday, the Red Sox are up 2-0 on Anaheim, and NBA preseason camps have just opened up. I’m as giddy as Michael Jackson giving the key note speech at a NAMBLA conference. Before I get to your questions, I want to thank all of you for submitting them. Apparently the transsexual midget story really struck a nerve with most of you. I am quite disturbed that it did, in fact, I am actually now ashamed to associate with most of you but what can I do? Let’s just say the e-mails I got were disturbing enough for me to question my role in all of this and wonder whether I should tone down my writing and only tell stories of puppy dogs, flowers, and my love of the Regis and Kelly show. However, after thinking about it for less than a second, I have decided to share with all of you the filth that I have to deal with. After answering a serious sports question, I will for this one time only print and respond to some of the more distressing and outlandishly demented e-mails I received. This is one time only, next week it will be all sports so please send me your sports related questions (and no jiggy, I do not believe water sports qualifies, unless you are in Bulgaria that is).

Yoyo AC, who do you think is the most overrated all-star in the NBA? It’s got to be Brad Miller, he is such a chump.

Hoops Fan, Calgary

Quite an astute observation, Brad Miller is pretty overrated judging by how he consistently pulls a Houdini in crunch time (that’s Harry, not the legendary rappers http://www.discogs.com/artist/Whodini. And as an aside, the Freaks Come Out at Night is one of the top 20 rap songs of all time, no arguments about it. While we’re discussing rap, has anybody seen Flavor Flav on the Surreal Life? I really have no words to describe this. He was a key member of the most politically charged rap group of all time and now he is running around like a Norseman trying to pick up Bridgette Nielsen. Wow, makes you wonder what was going on with Public Enemy. That said, I would pay any amount of money for a reality show where Flavor Flav and ODB are roommates, this has to happen, really, I’d donate my left arm to see it made).

Anyway, the most overrated all-star was Vince “I can’t play because the sand in my vagina gave me a rash” Carter. He can jump, we all know that, but he can not play with teammates. He doesn’t make anybody around him better, doesn’t play defense, has not improved since he has been in the league, complains about his teammates, and misses more games with lamer excuses than Shaq misses free throws. He is Harold “Baby” Miner with a better jump shot. Those that read my column know that I have nicknamed him the tin man because he has no heart. Now he wants to be traded because his team is no good. You know why they are no good? Because their supposed best player and leader would rather be getting a manicure than practicing in the gym. Vince should be forced to stay in Toronto until he figures it out.

Dear AC:

I think a combination of Johnny Damon and Ron Jeremy is the ultimate lifetime spent as an American male. Let me elaborate...

Johnny Damon: I will have a million dollar+/year job where I have to "work" for 3 hours a day, never have to shave, get a haircut and shower as sparingly as possible. After I am done with my "job", I will sign a lifetime contract with the WB to play the lead in a new TV series spun off from the movie "Encino Man".

Ron Jeremy: I will eat what I want where I want and get the hottest chicks to do the nastiest things with me. Although I will never see my schlong, I will know that it is being tended to rather lovingly.

What do think I have to do in this life re: "karma" to

earn that combo in my next life ?

RD, Washington DC

I like the analogies and the thesis but I have to disagree about Johnny Damon and Ron Jeremy. The guy with the best life in the world is the dude that married Britney Spears. Here is a guy that has questionable talent, probably a high school degree at best, 2 kids out of wedlock, not really the best looking dude, and now he is married to one of the hottest richest chicks in the world. So all he has to do all day is bone Britney and eat caviar. Seriously, how does this happen? This is one of the most inexplicable happenings since Esteban Loiaza was in Cy Young contention. Justin Timberlake for this other guy may have been a worse trade than Bagwell for Andersen. I really have no explanation other than to nod my head, tip my cap, and say well done Mr. Britney, well done.

Also, in the real world I know this guy who is in his mid-30’s, had a kid so he has his progeny, divorced his wife, negotiated a 2 year full pay severance package from his job (well over 6 figures) and now is starting his own business, filming a documentary about porn actresses, banging those porn actresses, and when he’s not doing that plays madden in his house and sends me e-mails about how great it is. Now this guy has the best life in the world and what did he have to do to get that Karma? Nothing. All he had to do was have the balls to live out the dream. There is nothing to karma, life is what you make of it. So if you want to bang pornstars, just step up to the plate, I hear they are easy.

AC Titticock-

I have a three part question.

The first question is that we all know that the Minnesota Vikings are going to win the superbowl. But we don't know what the spread is going to be. Can you tell me how many points Minnesota will win by? We also don't know who they will be playing. Would like to hear your opinion on that as well

(question 1, subcategory b). Part c of my question is this: I have a disease called elephantisis in my genital area and people often confuse my penis for my right leg (the truth is that I lost my right leg at an accident at Ford). How can I make people aware that I'm really handicapped so that I can park my car wherever I want?

The second question (part a) is I see that someone named Wonger Mikala from Philadelphia PA asked a question last week. I heard that he is gay. I am also from Philadelphia PA and want to know if he has ever considered a three-way with transexual midget and a hermaphroditic giant because I often have such fantasies. Part (b) of my question is this: I know that Bush is gay but I am unsure about Kerry. Do you think whether Kerry is also gay?

My third question is: I have heard that the guys in quantico are a bunch of homo buttlickers. My question is, when you were down there, did you participate in any buttlicking activities yourself?

Sincerely,

Stew F., Philadelphia, PA

In short, Patriots by 12 (and not the Vikings, but I’ll let you dream on about that one), don’t wear pants or simply wear shorts, yes (and you’re both disturbed for it), probably, and no.

Hope that helps, now please never write me again.

Dear AC,

I look forward to reading your column each week. I think that you are one of the foremost homosexual writers in your field. I have a gay Indian friend who is a huge Bengals fan that I'd like you to meet. On to my question....

You are stranded on an island with Kobe, Calvin Murphy, and Rae Carruth.

To get off of the island, you must have anal sex with one of them (you are the catcher). Who would it be and why? Thanks for the insight.

AJ Jack

Quincy, MA

First of all, why do I want to get off of the island? Is it because I am hungry, is it because I am scared Calvin Murphy is going to think I am 11 and molest me, or is it because I think Rae Carruth is going to try to kill me? The motivation matters.

However, without knowing that, if the solution you presented is the only way off the island, I’d grab a red shirt, a dopey white hat and call myself Gilligan because I’ll be stranded there forever.

Until Next Time, AC.

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