Also, Joey Porter’s dogs got loose and killed a miniature horse. No word on whether the miniature rider was injured as my calls to Vern Troyer’s people went unanswered.

One quick story before I get to your questions. Last night while I was watching my Northwestern Wildcats perfect the art of the turnover and missed field goal on ESPN2, the ESPN2 news scroll at the bottom of the screen showed “Indianapolis Colts injuries: Dwight Freeney (buttocks), Adam Vinatieri (groin).” I’ll let you write your own punchline, but I would have thought Vinatieri would have been the catcher in that transaction, weird.

Now on to the questions:

I'm trying to find out if the kowlskay brothers played for the miami dolphis in the 60, 70, or, 80's. or if there was such a duo of this sort. I believe ones name was glenn and the other I have forgotten. please let me know when you can

thank you,

kristina

Kristina,

First of all, I apologize for the delay in answering your question. Unfortunately, I have been stuck in front of my computer with Ass Parade’s Corn Fed Booty on a continual loop as it is Carmen Kinsley’s seminal (or is it semenal?) work (she is the one in the turquoise). I don’t want to say I am in love, but I would do things to her that would get my whole family arrested, but I digress.

Anyway, according to the official Miami Dolphins website, there has never been a Dolphins player with a name even similar to Kowlskay. Checking the pro football reference database shows that the only nfl players with similar names are Brain and Glen Kozlowski who are not related, though one is named Glen like you thought, but he was a Bear and not a Dolphin.

Now this is my annual warning to all of you ladies. When you meet a guy in a bar and he tells you he used to play in the NFL and you wind up taking him home and letting him do unspeakable things to you (though you can speak them to me, hopefully in digital pictures) because you think you might be hitting the NFL bank roll, you are being played. It is just a fat guy in a bar, not an NFL player. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, I just hope you were safe about your choices.

Toodles,

AC Titticock IIIi Esquire

1) Why do some baseball and football players have black rectangles painted under their eyes?

2) Decades ago professional and academic basketball players wore short shorts. Nowadays they wear bicycle shorts under baggy shorts. Why the change?

3) In just about every individual sport, the winner of a tournament raises his or her arms upward in triumph. In tennis, the winner often descends to a kneeling or prostrate position. Why?

MJ

MJ,

Thanks for the questions. I can only assume you are a hot chick (and by "hot chick" I mean a hot chick who likes other hot chicks) for asking questions that are so tertiary to actual sporting events (and if you are a hot chick who likes hot chicks, remember these answers are free of charge, so please send pics). Why not just ask me if thumb wrestlers get manicures or if the stripes on referee's uniforms make them look fat?

Anyway, to get to your questions:

1. The black rectangles under their eyes are to reflect the sun and to make it easier to see the ball. Interestingly enough, I used to have my old girlfriend wear the eyeblack when performing oral because I didn't want her to fumble or lose a nut in the sun and thus accidentally use her teef in an inappropriate place (and I think I am only half-kidding).

2. The long shorts can be traced back to the Fab 5 at Michigan who also wore black socks and called inappropriate time outs. Players wear them to be more fashionable and also because it is easier to hide their Gats in them.

3. Tennis players when they win often descend to a kneeling or prostrate position because they are gay. No joke here, that is the answer.

God Bless,

AC Titticock IIIi Esquire

I was watching ESPN and they were talking about how Ortiz has hit the most

homeruns now by a Red Sock in one season. They went on to say, only two men have hit more homeruns in one season since Maris chased the Babe; those two being Ken Griffey Jr. and A-Rod (not Magwire, Sosa or Bonds). Does this mean that Major League Baseball has yet to decide whether to include those three's homers as valid?

Peter T

Peter,

I was not watching ESPN so I can't specifically say what they were referring to, however, my first response is that they were talking about home runs by straight players since they ignored Bonds, McGwire, and Sosa who put the "pickle" in pickle sniffers. However, if they included A-Rod in the list, it surely can't be straight players because A-Rod is so gay that even Lance Bass calls him a homo.

Your initial thought sounds logical because Bonds, McGwire, and Sosa are all under suspicion for steroids, however, ESPN announcers and MLB will continue to deny this so I doubt that is the answer. My guess (and I am 99.314129% sure I am right) is the announcers were talking about the home run record for American League players. Since 1961, only A-Fraud and Griffey have hit more than 56 home runs in the American League, so Ortiz has the most AL home runs since then (I assume they overlooked Mantle's 54 which was also in 1961).

Toodles,

AC Titticock IIIi Esquire

PS Visit AC's NBA Basketball Picks Page new content coming in November.

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