Friends, Romans, picklesniffers, the six time award winning Ask AC is finally back. After his NBA Draft recap, AC took a prolonged break from his prolific writings on the NBA, Kevin Garnett’s knee, LeDong’s world domination, Carmen Kinsley’s ample derriere, and AC’s disbelief in Poincare’s recurrence theorem with its ridiculous denial of entropy. Fear not though, AC is back, even if he is currently writing this column with a recently reattached distal bicep tendon (don’t let it ever be said that AC does not play injured. If Vince Carter had his distal bicep tendon reattached a mere eleven days ago, he would still be in the hospital popping pain killers and looking for a gynecologist).

In the time AC has been gone there have been a number of great stories and many NBA moves. Stephon Marbury put a camera on himself for over 24 hours and effectively ruined his NBA career (as if his three months with the Celtics last season was not enough to do that). Toronto signed Hedo Turkoglu, Boston signed RaWeed Wallace and may or may not have signed Marquise Daniel, and the Spurs quietly put together the best offseason in the NBA. All of that said, AC will be tackling those issues in his NBA preview. While this column may occasionally dabble in all things NBA, it is mostly for the fans. AC receives tons of e-mails and to date has successfully answered every question posed to him (so readers keep them coming as no question is too small, too large, too obscure, or too moronic for AC to answer).

As always, these are real e-mails from AC’s fans with AC’s actual responses, advice, wisdom, and more than anything, dick jokes. Enjoy the soup.

Hi my name is caroline S.,

i do play a variety of sport but have been interested in Tennis lately never played it before, but have tried to play it before and have struggled with serving. Im only 16 and i am interested in to taking this sport further, But i was wanting to know if it was to late to decide.

Thank you for your time, caroline S.

Young Ms. Sheppard,

You have certainly come to the right person with your question. You see, I too was once 16 years old and I also had dreams of my own. I wanted to be a lion tamer but was scared of lions. I wanted to be a heart surgeon but fainted at the site of blood. Most of all though, I wanted to be a high diver and yet shuttered at both heights and water. Rather than face my fears and try to become what I wanted to be, I ran from them. I ran so far away. I just ran, I ran all night and day. I was like a seagull without a flock. Not once did I get in a cage with a lion, not once did I implant a stent, and not once did I climb a very high ladder and look down on an infinitesimally small pool of water.

So I say, it is ok if you can not serve a tennis ball. There is plenty of time to learn and to practice. Rome was not built in a day, Venus Williams was not born a champion, and I did not become an award winning sports writer by flipping a coin. It took a lot of hard work and it is certainly never too late to begin.

My advice to you is to follow your dreams (and perhaps brush up on your grammar and use of the English language). If tennis is something you truly enjoy, push ahead with it as the amount of effort you put into it is roughly proportional to the joy you will get out of it.

Happy Serving,

AC Titticock IIIi Esquire

Lead NBA Writer www.wagercom.com

I have a question I'm looking to attend a University and play some sport like basketball but thing is Its a Division 3 Program and I wanted to know if I play in a Division 3 program will I get drafted To the nba? (the school is The University of Chicago) I need Help Thanks

Manny A.

Manny,

This question provides me with a great conundrum, and I can use a word such as conundrum because if you are going to the university of Chicago, you must be quite learn-ed. But you see, that is the exact conundrum.

As you must know, students at the University of Chicago are among the best and the brightest. The school was ranked as the 8th best college in this year’s US News and World Report. It has produced such nobel laureates as Milton “The consumer” Friedman, Saul “Look out” Bellow, and Enrico “exclude this” Fermi.

But what you don’t see in the distinguished alumni of U of C is one NBA player. In fact, the University of Chicago has produced 1 fewer NBA players than Lance Armstrong has nuts, nine fewer NBA players than Travis Henry has illegitimate kids , and 500 fewer NBA players than Houston took on in her gangbang.

And it’s not just a University of Chicago thing. I can count the number of NBA players from division III schools on zero hands and zero feet.

So the conundrum is that if you are smart enough to go to U of C, how can you be so clueless about the likelihood of reaching the NBA by going to a division 3 school? It’s more perplexing than any of Zeno’s paradoxes.

However, I am glad you came to wagercom.com with your question because our highly esteemed NFL handicapper, Jiggy, actually attended the University of Chicago (no joke). He offered these thoughts (and judging by your questionable ability to use common sense, it is 99.7% sarcastic):

“The U of C was nicknamed ‘The NBA Feeder’ while I was there. Many people don’t know this, but ¾ of our basketball team went on to actually watch at least one NBA game per season (live or on TV). So, if this kid wants to become an NBA fan, he has 75% chance of doing so at the U of C. Remember our cheer…

Thucydides, Themistocles, the Peloponnesian War

X squared, Y squared, H2SO4

Who for

What for

Who ya gonna root for?

MAROONS, MAROONS, MAROONS!

Go Chicago!”

So in short, there is a higher probability that the US will elect a black president than a University of Chicago or Division III player will get drafted into the NBA. Well, ummm, maybe scratch that analogy, but hopefully you get what I am saying.

Now go calculate PI to the 1,548th decimal.

Dare to dream,

AC Titticock IIIi Esquire

Lead NBA Writer www.Wagercom.com

My dad used to watch Badger Basketball back in the seventies. There were a pair of twins, who played for UW-Madison, and who were very tall, 7 foot- something. I believe they also would scrimage with the Milwaukee Bucks. Could you tell me their names, and what they might be doing now? One of the twins was in a Bacteriology class with me, back in 1977-78, at the UW-Madison. It is one of my unanswered, life's questions.

Thank you,

Sue M.

Sue,

You have come to the right place. While the unanswered life questions I usually ponder are: Why are we here? Are we alone in the universe? And how can we get a money shot in lesbian porn? I understand everyone has different interests.

It turns out there were two brothers named Claude and James Gregory who played for the Badger during the time period to which you are referring. I am going to assume they were the “twins” you remember (and probably not these) as they were both tall and Claude played in 78, 79, 80, and 81 while James played in 77 and 78.

It turns out, Claude was quite the player and was even a second round NBA draft pick, playing a few games with the Clippers and Washington Bullets, so it is likely he practiced with the Bucks. He is also still in the top 5 all-time Wisconsin scorers.

You can see their stats in the U of Wisconsin media guide.

As for what they are doing now, I think James went on to become a professor of bacteriology and used Claude as his testing dummy. You can probably e-mail the athletic department though to get a better answer to the where are they now.

Toodles,

AC Titticock IIIi Esquire

Lead NBA Writer www.wagercom.com

PS Visit AC's NBA Basketball Picks Page new content coming in November.

contact AC at ac@wagercom.com or post your questions/comments on the Wagercom Message Board


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