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On My Boyfriend's Couch - A Woman's Perspective on Football - October 10th 2008:
On My Boyfriend’s Couch is a new column dedicated to the women who are spending their weekends sequestered in their man’s lair, nuking homemade nachos, surreptitiously doing the crossword, topping off bloody marys and generally trying to make football weekends more compelling. It is this female columnist’s philosophy that through legally-ambiguous gambling and a very thin knowledge of the game, not only will more women love watching football – men will love their women more too.
2008 Picks Record
College Picks (1-1-1)
Pro Picks (1-3)
 Remember when you used to shop at your local novelties shop (ours was called Ahhhhs!) looking for that perfect present to bring your BFF's 17th birthday party? Sure, you considered the dancing flower, the lava lamps, troll dolls and the posters that looked like spots but turned into dolphins when you crossed your eyes. But mostly you landed in the back corner, where they kept the politically incorrect toilet paper, edible underwear and realistic vomit splatter sculpture. It was in this section, they displayed the 'french ticklers' – condoms that were topped with bobble heads with spiky hair and forked tongues. And for the idiots that thought perhaps these items could prevent infection from the rampant AIDS epidemic (at the time we were told we could get it for having a boner in the breeze) that was sweeping the nation, there was always a label that read: FOR RECREATIONAL USE ONLY.
After my picks last week, I feel like that french tickler. Sure, I'm adorable, but I really can't protect you from horrible gambling losses or a case of the clap. But read on – fearless football fans!
Saturday on the Couch:
WVA (-23.5) over Syracuse
I'm beating up on the Orangemen this week, only because beating up on the Bruins is starting to take a toll on my love life. I need to get laid.
Northwestern (+1) over Michigan State
If the Cats win this one, I'm going to celebrate like I used to at old NU. A giant bongrip and a nice nap.
Vandy (-2.5) over Mississippi St.
I don't know much about this slice of the country except for this: they love cream-based casseroles, they are terrified of a black president, and Mississippi St. can't play ball.
Sunday on the Couch:
Jets (-5.5) over Cincinnati
I'm trading Favre on my fantasy team, so this seems apt.
Denver (-3.5) over Jacksonville
I can't get behind a team that wears teal.
Greenbay (+1.5) over Seattle
Seattle is starting to look like the McCain campaign. Struggling, and in it's death throes. Their only hope is fat, mustache-ioed, fat coaches Joe-six packs, who are finding increasingly difficult to bring it.
Drink of the Week:
My boyfriend is out of town this week, so my official party line is… a glass of chardonnay before I go to bed at 10 pm sharp. But the truth is this. While my little Bruin bear is off – I'm doing something baaaaaad. I'm going down to the barrio, South Central, la loca. I'm watching the Trojies march to victory and I'm going to partake of one of my favorite local beverages, Hot Bourbon:
• Visit local liquor store, hand money to teller behind bullet proof glass, get flask of bourbon
• Partake of bourbon in various Diet Coke cans as you walk over glass shards, spent needles and three-legged dogs on way to Coliseum
• Pour remaining bourbon into flask
• Sneak flask into game
• Heat liberally
• Rediscover flask's existence in the 4th quarter
• Drink hot bourbon
Have a great weekend!
Bet your picks this week at Sportsbook.com (click on ad below):
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