On My Boyfriend's Couch - A Woman's Perspective on Football

On My Boyfriend's Couch - A Woman's Perspective on Football - December 22nd 2007:

On My Boyfriend’s Couch is a new column dedicated to the women who are spending their weekends sequestered in their man’s lair, nuking homemade nachos, surreptitiously doing the crossword, topping off bloody marys and generally trying to make football weekends more compelling. It is this female columnist’s philosophy that through legally-ambiguous gambling and a very thin knowledge of the game, not only will more women love watching football – men will love their women more too.

The most fucktarded of college football traditions is about to come into full swing – Bowl Season. Why can’t they do playoffs like all other sports? Because that would mean that the best teams would actually play each other, and the Ohio State offensive line would’ve teabagged all those BCS officials for nothing. No, better to have a massive clusterfuck of “bowl” games, where anything goes, and mismatched teams practically wearing chalupas or Gillette Quatros or Nissans on their helmets crash into each other for the sake of commerce.

On the other hand, it does keep the tradition of drinking before noon in the “socially acceptable” category, so who am I to judge?

Never before have two football teams been less laid. On one side, we have the repressed Mormons, who are holding on to every sacred sperm in hopes of populating all the land in the West no one else wants. On the other we have a battalion of men who only come ashore from their floating man-camp to don spandex and tackle each other. Can you smell the tension? I’m looking for Navy to roll some ankles in order to avoid that whole “Middle East conflict,” and Utah to take over.

Good rule of thumb: if you haven’t heard of the bowl sponsor, like R + L Carriers, its probably not a game worth watching. Who is this mysterious host of the New Orleans Bowl? Are they perhaps suppliers of sump pumps or mobile housing units? No matter, even though I never knew until this very moment Florida Atlantic existed, I’m against them. Why does Florida make it sooo easy to hate them?

I don’t know about you, but in my family, we never miss the annual Papa John’s bowl. Some family traditions are just…sacred. At any rate, the only thing I know about this game is S. Miss fired their coach. Take if from a gal who was forced watch every UCLA game with her Bruin boyfriend this season. This is a very bad sign.

Let’s face it. The kids on the Nevada team are going to make their money no matter if they win or lose. For some of us, college was about beer pong and pregnancy scares. For Nevada co-eds, it’s about getting down on exotic bets, 5-game parlays and learning to take a flop reeeeal sweet-like.

I watched this game the first time around, and it wasn’t pretty. The Bruins looked scared from the second the BYU offensive line did their Polynesian warrior dance on the sideline before the game. Some people say it’s offensive to go up to Pacific Islanders and jump around like a monkey and say “ooooga boooga” but I swear, that’s exactly what these Mormon kids did. And now that it looks like Norm Chow would rather work for the pathetic Tennessee Titans than coach a major football institution, I’m thinking that the baby Bruins will be bluer than ever. At this point, what’s one more loss?

Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl – imagine my chagrin when I realized this was sponsored by the stereo, not the chicken.

Huh. I never really thought of Carolina having an “east.” But I suppose all states do, in a way. At any rate, I will be rooting for boys from Boise because they are the only team in America (to my knowledge, which is thin at best) to play on a blue field. I think more team should forego boring old green Astroturf and play on a kicky colored field! Faaaaabulous!

Looking at both of these team’s logos, trying to ascertain a winner is a exercise in futility. (Yes, this is often how I pick my bets.) In a fight between a “C” that seems to be gliding like that hovercraft Luke had on Tattoine and a train that is part ice-breaker – who would win? I gotta go with the Big Ten team here. It’s too upsetting to contemplate otherwise.
Purdue

Another game where we will undoubtedly be subjected to the innovative sports savvy of Texas alum, Matthew McConaughey. I swear, that guy spends more time up in the Longhorns pressbox then he does doing yoga on the beach with Jake Gyllenhal. At any rate, at least the Longhorns have produced a celebrity alum. The only celeb I could find from ASU was Pat Tillman. And we all know where that ended. Ahem. Awwwwwkward!

Ok, can someone finally tell me which Boston school is the “good one”? Because for the past 10 years, I’ve been stuck in discussions where people tell me they went to either Boston University or Boston College and I’m still unsure which ones to respect and which ones to scorn.

How do I judge? I just kind of hate Christians. There, I said it. Oh – yes, I know if it weren’t for you crazy Jesus-jumpers I wouldn’t be getting the next two weeks off with full pay. Or be celebrating these joyous holidays with families and friends. Or be here hammered on eggnog listening to carols. Just keep it out of football, okay?

A game worth watching just to make “beaver” jokes. A sampling: “Come on Beavers! Jam the box!” “It’s just hard to contain so many beavers.” “The beavers are really stinking it up.” “Beaver Pride on three. One. Two. Three. Beaver pride!”

Being ranked #25 in the BCS is really like being the “nice guy” in the group of cool guys that you meet when you are out drinking who sucks you into conversation, and he is so nice and so heartbroken about his ex that you finally pity him and make out with him a little bit outside the bar and give him a fake phone number to make him feel better, and tell him, “buck up, little camper, you’re not a nobody. You’re in my Top 25!”
UCF nights

Damn you Florida, I’ll give you a pass this time. Because you gotta love a team who took their mascot art from that awesome restaurant across the street – Medieval Times. Seriously. Have to been to Florida? There’s one on every corner.

Let’s call it the Transitive Property of Karl Dorrell. If you are being coached by an “interim” coach, you are going to lose your bowl game. Especially if you are going up against the enduring fossil and eternal icon, Joe Paterno. I can’t believe that guy is still walking. What’s his secret? Did he buy that juicer I sometimes see on late night television?

As a woman, I fully support any sports program that is secure enough in their femininity to call their team The Crimson Tide.

Cal’s season crashed and burned harder than Lindsay Lohan’s career. And if they are LiLo, then Air Force is like that new starlet in town… The one who will bare it all on the cover of Maxim, who will totally be a gay guy’s beard for tabloid exposure, who will do anything they can because they know this is their one shot! You know, Sienna Miller.

And who says that betting on sports can’t be educational? For example, just now I was looking at the lines any my train of thought went exactly like this: ‘Fresno State? Oh my god! I totally forgot about Fresno! Not like the team, but the place! That is a place that exists! Where the hell is it again?” And Go Ducks

what do you know, I’m on mapquest and learning something new.

Certainly this is a battle of several odious institutions. But which is viler? A team that dresses like this or this or this? Or a team that hails from a state like this? For the sake of the children, stop the football in this state!

Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl – really? Really? Let me tell you, the Motor City Bowl would totally kick your ass in a rumble.

I can’t even bring myself to look up more depraved news stories to convince you of Florida’s thoroughly sinister ways, so I’ll just tell you this. Somewhere in Florida, right now, there is a house jam packed with illegal panda bears. I’ll bet my life on it.

The fact that the Hooisers are even in a bowl game is a testament to how truly wretched the Big Ten has become. This is a school whose athletic claim to fame is a drunken fraternity bicycle race made famous in “Breaking Away.” There should be a lot of big Midwestern boys holding their head down in shame for letting this lot slip through.

Just thinking about this game sets my loins afire. Imagine all those clean cut Southern boys in the stands… they sneak in their flasks of bourbon, they have irresistible drawls and know people who can totally get us the good seats at the Kentucky Derby, and they think it’s hilarious to wear pink socks with loafers and think its really dirty to make out with a girl who’s half-Jewish…

Virginia Tech (-3) over Kansas

If the Jay Hawks crumble under the staggering pressure of facing Missouri, a team anyone without a Fox Sports Kansas feed didn’t know about, I really don’t see them pulling through on this one. Buck up, Jay Hawk! Basketball season is right around the corner!

Rutgers over Ball State

Only bet on this game if you have a serious gambling addiction. Who has ever heard of a bowl game being played in Canada? Is this one of those goodwill exhibitions, like when we play baseball in Madagascar or the NFL is in London?

Tulsa over Bowling Green

I won’t be watching the GMAC Bowl this year, and it has nothing to do with the fact these teams blow harder than hurricane season in Florida (which fills me each year with schadenfreude). I just can’t watch one more truck commercial this season. Every single spot features a truck bursting through a block wall while hurtling towards a 100 foot high swinging hammer hauling two tons of steel near the edge of a cliff. While in reality, most of America is really using that flat bed as a second living room.

LSU (-4 ½) over Ohio State

LSU has home state advantage. They also have the advantage of not sucking. They also have the advantage of actually deserving to be in the game. On the other hand, Ohio State has the advantage of engaging in oral sex with the entire BCS. So is the smart money on LSU? Who knows. But the right money is on LSU. And sometimes you just gotta take a stand.

To all my readers:

Thanks so much for your taking the time to visit me this football season on my boyfriend’s couch. If it weren’t for you, my adoring fans, it would just be me and my boyfriend alone on the couch. So, thanks for paying attention to my senseless ramblings and helping me keep the romance alive.

You will be hearing from me soon! Although football season is over, couch season springs eternal. Look out for my college hoops predictions and updates on my sex life.

Xoxo