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On My Boyfriend's Couch - A Woman's Perspective on Football - November 29th 2007:
On My Boyfriend’s Couch is a new column dedicated to the women who are spending their weekends sequestered in their man’s lair, nuking homemade nachos, surreptitiously doing the crossword, topping off bloody marys and generally trying to make football weekends more compelling. It is this female columnist’s philosophy that through legally-ambiguous gambling and a very thin knowledge of the game, not only will more women love watching football – men will love their women more too.
2007 Picks Record
College Picks (17-19)
Pro Picks (17-15-3)
Can you feel the sexy?
Nothing is hotter than rivalry week on my boyfriend’s couch. As some of you may have gleaned, my guy is a UCLA Bruins fan, while I on the other hand, am a fan of the mighty and (nearly, sometimes) indestructible Trojans. Yes, last year was a bit humbling for me, as I was in the house of the enemy when FUCLA defeated my warriors. I would respect their 13-9 victory more, however, if my boyfriend hadn’t abused it all year… Let me give you a taste:
The Scene: 10 Freeway in Los Angeles
Me: Honey, where are you going?
Boyfriend: Santa Monica.
Me: Then why are we going east?
(Boyfriend pauses…)
Boyfriend: Thirteen nine.
The Scene: Boyfriend’s Apartment
Boyfriend: (raging) Motherfucker! Where are my keys?
Me: (nose calmly in book) I saw them on your computer table.
Boyfriend: (frenzied) Don’t you think I would have looked there? They’re gone!
Me: I would turn on the lights and look at the computer table again…
Boyfriend: (apoplectic) Fuck! I probably dropped them on the way to the gym! I need to get the locks changed! Fuckity fuck fuck fuck!!!
Me: (at computer table) Here they are.
Boyfriend: Thirteen nine.
So, you see, the ramifications of this game will go on long after the players have left the battleground of the Coliseum. But before I urge each and every one of you to get down on the Trojies, let me provide you with a less-emotional, scientifically based statistical analysis.
Team Colors
USC: Crimson, the color of freshly spilled blood. Gold, the enduring symbol of domination, power and wealth.
UCLA: Light Blue: The color that newborn boys are swaddled in. Also the color of delicate robin’s eggs and overpriced jewelry boxes. Yellow: Baby chicks. Warm urine.
Advantage: USC
Mascot
USC: Tommy Trojan, valiant upon his white steed, Traveler. Wearing armor. Brandishing swords.
Bruin Bear: Looks like Simon from The Chipmunks. Wearing a sleeveless shirt. Brandishing pom poms.
Advantage: USC
Playing Field
USC: The Coliseum, a crumbling, ivy-covered behemoth in South Central, inspired by the ancient gladiatorial battleground.
UCLA: The Rose Bowl, a soulless shell in WASPy Pasadena, inspired by a parade where giant animatronic animals are made of flowers.
Advantage: USC
The Coaches
USC: Dashing, silver-haired lothario, Pete Carroll. Loves – banging co-eds, bribing players, tanning and working on his abs.
UCLA: Dead-eyed and flop-sweating Karl Dorrel. Loves – running on first, running on second, running on third, and punting.
Advantage: USC
The Cheerleaders
Just kidding. No contest.
At any rate, I urge you to get down on the Trojans, but more that that – ladies, I urge you this: create an in-house rivalry between you and your boyfriend. Root for opposite teams. Lay down sexually humiliating wagers with each other. This is the stuff that makes all those afternoons on the couch pay off.
Ok, apparently there are other games this week, so in a nutshell, my predictions are:
Cal (-13.5) over Stanford
These teams hate each a lot. And Cal has a lot of pent up frustration after not being able to blow its wad with just about every team in the Pac 10 this season. And like any frustrated man forced to save it up, look for them to hit the wall, paint a Jackson Pollack and / or light up the Stanford Pine like a Christmas tree.
ASU (-7) over Arizona
The only people who really care about this game are a bunch of mystic-tanned brats who just spent last semester’s student loan on cheap boob jobs and the roofie-toting frat boys who love them.
Missouri (+3) over Oklahoma
I don’t think either of these teams are worth the hype, but I do know that my favorite thing to call Oklahoma is Chokelahoma.
Pro Couch
Take the time to bask in your post-coital, post-rivalry afterglow and pool your bets with your guy on these games. In my experience, the couple that bets together is the couple that blows their winnings on steak dinners together!
Indy (-7) over Jacksonville
Question. Where is Jacksonville? I couldn’t point to it on map if there was a glock to my head.
NY Giants (-2.5) over Bears
The Bears just kind of remind me of Bruins this week. I’m against all things warm and fuzzy, apparently.
Denver (-3.5) over Oakland
If these chuckleheads can’t beat the Raiders, I don’t know what to say. It’s a sad state of affairs when your local baseball team is more athletic than you.
Washington (-6.5) vs. Buffalo
I propose a drinking game. Every time they mention that dead guy, take a drink. With any luck, you’ll be shit hammered before the first quarter ends and you won’t pay attention to how poor these teams are. But seriously, whenever there is a “tragedy” involving a player who has danced around a life of crime, committed lots of cruel and senseless penalties against his fellow players, who is generally not well liked and was “just starting” to turn his life around when a “random home invasion” goes south… you’ll probably win on national sympathy alone.
On that note… FIGHT ON!
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