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On My Boyfriend's Couch - A Woman's Perspective on Football - December 7th 2007:
On My Boyfriend’s Couch is a new column dedicated to the women who are spending their weekends sequestered in their man’s lair, nuking homemade nachos, surreptitiously doing the crossword, topping off bloody marys and generally trying to make football weekends more compelling. It is this female columnist’s philosophy that through legally-ambiguous gambling and a very thin knowledge of the game, not only will more women love watching football – men will love their women more too.
2007 Picks Record
College Picks (17-23)
Pro Picks (21-20-3)
Saturday on the Couch
Well, college football season has passed us by, and Bowl season is upon us. Many of you ladies are wondering what that means. In short, it means that there is no rhyme or reason as to when you will be obligated to watch football. It can happen at any time. Sure, most games are on New Year’s Day, but I think last year I had to watch UCLA play the Emerald Nut Bowl sometime in early February.
I have also been bombarded by questions about who the hell decides which teams play each other. Therefore, I’ve compiled a helpful FAQ about the BCS.
Who is the BCS?
The BCS is a shadowy cadre of Ohio State alums who mostly reside in the state of Florida. This group of old white guys are primarily responsible for ranking college teams, but in their free time they have been known to: dabble in Middle East politics, maintain the strength of the American Dollar and run various Democratic presidential campaigns. All ventures have been met with similar levels of success.
How did the BCS come about?
About 2000 years ago a Jewish guy was nailed to a cross, and his blood spilled into a cup. The Knights of the Templar were formed to guard the grail, protecting it for centuries from those who would use the artifact for personal gain. While the Templars were busying themselves with the cup, there was another group of men who decided they should guard a nearby boulder. Thus, the BCS was born.
Caption:
Note the nearby rock.
Where does the BCS live?
 This shadow organization is headquartered much like the Skull and Bones society, in a secret clubhouse with sinister environs. However, the BCS clubhouse is located in a housing development in Tallahassee. The only way to identify the house from the thousands like it is to look for the Buckeye door knocker.
A Bedroom at BCS Headquarters
How do you become a member of the BCS?
The initiation ceremonies are shrouded in secrecy, but almost everyone can agree that it involves donning black robes, lighting torches, standing around a giant pentagram and tea-bagging the entire Ohio State offensive line.
Sunday on the Couch
You must be exhausted from having an entire Saturday to enjoy life. Why not take a load off and sit on the couch for 13 straight hours and wager the cash you haven’t yet spent on holiday gifts for friends and family?
Green Bay (-11) vs. Oakland
Because men get better with experience. Ladies – you know what I mean. For example, dreamy Brett Favre is just starting to smolder in his salt and pepper phase. On the other hand, Oakland is currently coached by a guy who is 23 years old. Let me ask you this, girls. Who would you rather?
Pittsburgh (+14.5) vs. New England
Brady seems a little tired lately. He’s had a big year, going undefeated, banging super models and fathering bastard love children. This week I love Pittsburgh. Although I’ve never been there, I would be willing to bet that this is a town that makes a fucking good sandwich.
Minnesota (-7) vs. San Francisco
Sure Minnesota is as unpredictable as a pre-menstrual woman that’s three bourbons in on an empty stomach. But for some reason, right now I’m quite empathetic to pre-menstrual women who are three bourbons in on an empty stomach. Weird.
Cleveland (-3.5) vs. Jets
My god, even the player’s mothers won’t be watching this game. In fact, it will likely not be televised. But you can count on the Jets stinking it up. Look away and take the cash.
Bet your picks this week at Sportsbook.com (click on ad below):
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