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On My Boyfriend's Couch - A Woman's Perspective on Football - October 2nd 2008:
On My Boyfriend’s Couch is a new column dedicated to the women who are spending their weekends sequestered in their man’s lair, nuking homemade nachos, surreptitiously doing the crossword, topping off bloody marys and generally trying to make football weekends more compelling. It is this female columnist’s philosophy that through legally-ambiguous gambling and a very thin knowledge of the game, not only will more women love watching football – men will love their women more too.
2008 Picks Record
College Picks (1-1-1)
Pro Picks (1-3)
They say that some can't start healing till they hit rock bottom. I never knew what they meant, until I found myself, last week at a happy hour in the San Fernando Valley. Not just the valley, but Burbank. At a Mc Cormick and Schmidt's. Ordering "seafood" off the $2.00 happy hour menu. While a balding salesman invaded my personal space. I even went for the drink special, which I believe they dubbed a "Mangotini."
Yet, I blithely looked over the shoulder of this would-be suitor to watch the television bolted above the bar – eager to watch my USC Trojans march to victory.
Sigh.
My surroundings should have tipped me off. Nothing good ever happens in the valley. I guess I should feel lucky I didn't wind up the anchor-girl in "Gang Bang 8," which was undoubtedly being shot down the street. But a worse fate awaited me… watching my mighty Trojies get chewed up and spit out by the Beavers. Which is ironic, because "Chewed Up and Spit Out by the Beavers" was also being shot down the street.
Well, it's a new week and I've started to drink at the office. So, in the spirit of secret-lunchtime boozing, I present to you – Lilla's Marginally Fallible Picks of the Week.
Saturday on the Couch:
Auburn (-4) over Vandy
Just the title of this game sends my JAPpy hormones into overdrive. I believe that the title of the Abercromie & Fitch Homoerotica Catalog of Xmas 2005 was titled "Auburn versus Vanderbilt." Who cares who wins? Let's just hope some of these nice white boys loose a jersey or two…
Notre Dame (-7) over Stanford
Really, the only reason to watch this game is to pray for starters on both teams to sprain an ankle. Then, those "players" can get on the rest of their lives – working in a factory and selling sub-prime mortgages, respectively.
Dodgers over Cubs
This was a trick!!! Cool chicks don't bet on friggin' BASEBALL. And unless you've gotten down on at least 3 football games this weekend, I don’t want to ever hear of you considering a MLB bet again!
UCLA (-17.) over Washington State
I'm not going to lie to you. My future sex life depends on this one.
Sunday on the Couch:
Most of this day, unfortunately, will be spent off the couch, attending a social event where we will bless the spawn of your other favorite odds-maker, Jiggy. Since we cannot bless baby Jig with magic Jesus water, or by slicing off a portion of baby-loins, I can only assume the best way we honor this little bundle of joy is by mixing up a batch of Maneshevitz-based cocktails and catching a few games on the inlaw's tube… In honor a little "Sexy" Sasha, I'll wager…
Philly (-6) over Washington
Until the Redskins change their name to the politically correct Native Americans, I just can't get behind them. In fact, I'm going to put an ancient peyote curse on them with my feathered divining rod and pray to the Phoenix they get trampled by a thousand buffalo. Philly will take the day. Freckled Girl with Gambling Problem says it will be so.
 Chicago (-3) over Detroit
Oh my god, I forget the Lions still existed until right now. It's like when you find that dress in the back of your dress closet, or the shoes in the bottom of your shoe pile, or that purse in the back of your purse closet (yes I have one) and you are like – "oh yeah!" And then you realize that your dress / purse / shoes really don't know how to play football.
Green Bay over Atlanta (no line)
I wonder if that new QB on the Packers kind of feels like Sandy Duncan when she joined "Valerie's Family," which had to be renamed to "The Hogan Family," because clearly that blonde bitch was no Valerie Bertanelli.
Buffalo (+1.5) over Arizona
If there is anything I leaned last week, it's this. Arizona players have bird bones. I mean, come on, Boldin. You take two helmets to the skull, and you have to be carted off the field? Please.
Drink of the Week:
I know it's nothing fancy, but this week I would like to pay tribute to a very special man.
Paul Newman, you were the oldest man on the planet that I would have fucked. I mean, really done it right. Backwards, forwards, jungle-style, stuff that is illegal in Texas… old blue eyes, I would have done it with you. And with your passing, a dream dies with me as well. For I shall never know what it is to teabag a man in his 70s. (Yes Boyfriend, you heard me right. No other man in his 70s will ever teabag me. Even you.)
So, grab a carton of Paul Newman's Pink Lemonade and spike liberally with vodka, and toast to Cool Hand Luke.
Bet your picks this week at Sportsbook.com (click on ad below):
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