My boyfriend will be out of town this weekend at a bachelor party, so I will be spending less time in front of the games. I plan on getting my skin polished by an army of Korean women – a treatment that I cannot recommend enough. If you happen to be in the LA area, check out Aroma Spa and get yourself a scrub. Yes, you will be extremely naked and have limited communication skills, but you will leave feeling so soft you can’t help but stroke yourself over and over. Which I may have to do. Because my boyfriend will be out of town.
Which will not stop me from gambling! Today, I will pay tribute to some of the coaches that make college football so damn interesting.
South Carolina (-13.5) over Mississippi St.
Why do we love SC? No, it’s not just because their name is the Gamecocks, but you have to hand it to them…they have devised a way to get thousands of conservative southern men to chant for cock. No, we love them because head coach Steve Spurrier is drinking buddies with God. In fact, my boyfriend told me he just might marry me if Spurrier officiates. Plus, they didn’t look bad against LSU last week – they just boned it at the end. But that’s what cocks do.
Washington (+21) over USC
USC’s head coach Pete Carroll is super dashing and delicious… but there’s something else that makes him even sexier… he’s BAD. You know is he paying for players, you know he is covering up scandals and you know he’s probably banging some hot co-ed on the sly. He’s like James Spader in “Pretty in Pink,” and we love him for it! Oh, and USC hates to really over-exert itself and cover on a meaningless game – so until they face off against a team from the deep south to defend their Pac 10 honor, don’t bet on ‘em when the spread is over 20.
Notre Dame (+22.5) over Purdue
The most incredible thing about Charlie Weiss is how he managed to get so obese. All this guy does is hang around a bunch of athletes in a GYM and shadow them as they run up and down a field! I wonder if he’s one of those coaches who drives around in a golf cart. Then I start to ponder – just how many T-bones do you think he averages a week? Does he smell like meat? I heard that he tried to have gastric bypass surgery and it went horribly awry and he almost bled to death on the table. Ever since that girl from Wilson Phillips got the surgery EVERYONE knows how dangerous it is – AND she got fat again – so what was he thinking? But I still don’t think he’s gonna get whipped by Purdue this badly. Their mascot is a train.
Oregon (-5.5) over Cal
Ok, both coaches are pretty boring but this is surely going to be the game of the week since both teams have great offenses. But I think the QB for Oregon is better. I can’t remember his name. But it doesn’t matter. This is both teams’ last shot at glory before they get destroyed by USC.
Sunday on the Couch
So, the boyfriend will be heading home from his weekend of debauchery, but that won’t stop me from drinking with his friends on his couch while he is away. Plus, I think I’ve learned a lot of valuable lessons from last week’s crazy NFL games. (Cue the “The More You Know” music)
Houston (-3) over Atlanta
Lesson: All of those poor dead dogs have cursed the Falcons for the year. It’s true. I think like post-war Germany, they are just going to have to lay low and lose for awhile until everyone forgets that their teammate brought the term “rape stand” to national consciousness.
Chicago (-2.5) over Detroit
Lesson: Give the Bears’ defense a chance to score and they will take the team to victory! The best way to do this is by throwing less picks, thus giving opposing team’s defense a chance to score. Thus, the Bears have brought in their back-up QB. Good luck, kid. We don’t hate ya.
Buffalo (+3.5) over NY Jets
The poor gutty Buffalo Billies have taken a bit of a beating lately. I think they know that this is one of those games that they can actually win. It’s kind of like how you sometimes see cute guys hitting on plain girls at the bar. Lesson: You aim for what you can kill.
New England (+7) over Cincinnati
Lesson: Tom Brady has no soul. If you saw the adorable baby on the cover of OK! Magazine that he fathered and since ignored, you know what I mean. Instead he gallivants around with Di Caprio’s sloppy seconds, the anorexic and similarly soulless Gisele Bundchen. However, I think having no soul, no conscious, no fear and no sensibility works for a QB. Despite being a complete whorish prick, here is a man who sleeps well at night.
More Lessons Learned:
Lesson: No more games in Oakland until they figure out a way to eradicate the annoying DIRT BASEBALL DIAMOND on the field! It’s so distracting it borders on maddening. Just when you think you’re watching a game, you are visually assaulted by friggin’ left field. I know that 
Oaktown is ghetto, but jeez.
Lesson: Not all old school uniforms are good. If the dirt in Oakland wasn’t a visual bitchslap, then the Eagle’s unis certainly were. They kind of looked like Oompa Loompas. On acid. In the 80’s.
Lesson: Don’t underestimate the hotness of Mr. Brett Favre. This guy is like The Dark Knight. (The Dark Knight is Batman when he gets old. I’ve never read it, but I hear my guy friends talking about it all the time in total rapture.) Sure, he looked good on the field, but how hot did he look in the locker room after? This guy is playing ball with like, a scotch tumbler in his hand. Me likey.
Lesson: Look away! The look on Saint’s QB Drew Brees’ face when he threw his fourth interception on Monday night nearly sucked my will to live. I haven’t seen such sad desperation since that scene in Royal 
Tenenbaums where Luke Wilson melts down on the tennis court, sits down, and starts playing with his socks. Someone put that guy on suicide watch.
Useful Football Vocab of the Week:
De-cleating: When you knock a guy so hard you make his cleats leave the ground and he flies through the air.
Snot-bubbling: When you de-cleat a guy so hard that you make snot bubbles come out of his nose as he lays unconscious.
Pile Jumper: That asshole who takes a running leap on top of the dog pile for no apparent reason, except to perhaps cop a feel anonymously. No one likes a pile jumper.
Bloody Mary Condiment of the Week:
Pickapeppa sauce is like a delicious mix of Tabasco, A1 and Worchester sauce. Throw a dash of this in for a deep, peppery flavor!
