I hope we all learned a lesson last week about underdogs. I don’t want to get all musical theater on your ass, but I can’t help but humming that song from Les Miserable, where tiny Gavroche is scavenging for stray bullets, getting shot at by bad French army men – and damn if that spunky little guy doesn’t keep going! “…you better run for cover when the pup grows up!”
My Underdog Picks of the Week:
Notre Dame (+20.5) vs. UCLA
Yes, UCLA will probably win, but don’t count on the Bruins to cover this one. Typically, the Irish line up a bunch of great teams to play, but UCLA looks like crap this season. This could be a game they actually have a chance of winning – any they’ll go for it quicker than a desperate man goes for the overweight drunk chick at a dive bar.
Stanford (+40) vs. USC
Stanford has nothing going for it. Their mascot is a tree. Their student body is hideous. They are too smart and snarky for their own good. No one says it better than this guy. We all know this game is gonna be a bloodbath, but no way will USC cover. They are going to throw in red-shirts, their rapist backup QB, hell, they might even let the Song Girls take a cut at ‘em. Plus, “Toxic” Britney Spears is being seen with a Trojie not hours after losing custody of her kids. I do not see this as a good sign.
Texas (+11.5) vs. Oklahoma
Oklahoma? More like Choke-lahoma! What’s so great about them anyways? They call themselves “Sooners,” which I just learned means they are dirty, unlawful land-grabbers. Who’s illegal now, whitey? Meanwhile, I love the phallic Longhorns. (Someone should craft a sex toy that looks like this logo and build an empire.) I like that they take the field in zippy tangerine. And America needs a reason to like Texas again. It’s been a long seven years.
My Non-Underdog Pick of the Week:
LSU (-8) vs. Florida
Why do we hate Florida? Let me count the ways. But mostly I hate them because they have too many sports teams. This may be due to the fact it’s a wonderful tax haven for athletes who have a penchant for crime. But I digress. Louisiana is awesome. Their colors are garish and clash – they kind of look like an 80’s breakdancing team. And their fans are drunk and well-fed. In short, the kind of folks you want to root for!
Sunday on the Couch
There comes a time in every woman’s life where you just gotta do something WRONG. You need to go home with that dirty stranger, you need to drive drunk, you need to call your ex late at night, you need to call in sick to work and drive down to Tijuana. I’m feeling like this is the weekend to mix with the wrong crowd. I’m betting against all my favorite teams.
Green Bay (-3) vs. Chicago
Despite the smoldering burn of Favre’s blue-steel eyes, I love Chicago. I’ve seen it’s wonderful sights more in “The Blues Brothers” lately than anything else, but no matter. I will always have a soft spot in my heart for Marshall Fields and Wiener Circle and Due’s and the green beer on St. Patrick’s Day. Damn you, Windy City. Damn you for breaking my heart!
Denver (+3) vs. San Diego
San D, you fickle little brat. I hated you so, with your douchy frat boys, your spray tanned bimbos, your comic book convention, your conservative leanings and your penchant for chain-like non-chain restaurants. Then you, land of non-traditional sushi, charmed me back one fateful afternoon at a Chargers game. Well guess what? I’m drinking that Haterade again. Take that fish taco and shove it, bra.
Carolina (+3) vs. New Orleans
You of all cities, NOLA, why have you forsaken me? Don’t you remember the good times? The unholy drunkenness, the indecent exposure, the midnight gluttony, the sexual peccadilloes, the $250 I gave for Katrina aid and the two innocent siblings I sent into your keep? Look, I’m not mad at you, I’m………disappointed.
Dallas (-9.5) vs. Buffalo
I have a very special friend. He comes to my boyfriend’s couch every Sunday with a big red cup he has customized to look like it’s a Bill’s cup and not just some cup he got from the 7-11. And although I’ve never been to Buffalo, any place that decided to invent a sauce that consists of melted butter and hotsauce is okay by me. I fear it will be a dark day for my friend on my boyfriend’s couch. My god, I fear.
Bloody Mary Condiment of the Week:
In honor of the sukkot hut that has been erected in our parking lot out back, let’s get a little jew-y this week. I just adore putting a teaspoon of grated horseradish into a Mary. It’s spicy and firey and has a great flavor that really opens up the beverage. And it reminds us of the bitterness of our ancestors. Which is nice.
