Strangely enough, I may be spending this Saturday afternoon on my Ex-Boyfriend’s Couch, which should be a column in itself. So I’m a big couch whore, say it! You know you’re just jealous.
Northwestern (-7) vs. Minnesota
Not much warmed my heart last week – but seeing the NU Wildcats triumph over Michigan State made me swell with pride. I will never forget my time at NU… showering at fraternities, burning my room down, nude-ing up on stage (it was artistic, dammit!), crashing my convertible into snow banks and harvesting massive amounts of weed in my friend’s basement. Plus, our logo really puts the fear of god in you.
Wisconsin vs. Penn State (-6.5)
The Big Ten can’t get much respect nowadays. Now you know how Pac 10 feels. But you know what I do respect? The largest cheese store I’ve ever been to in my life. And I think we all know that shit wasn’t in Pennsylvania.
Cal (-14) vs. Oregon St.
Now is the chance for these hippies to put a serious whooping on. The Pac 10 needs a hero. And it can’t be the kind of hero that sits in a tree all day pooping into plastic bags to protect the “environment.” Here’s hoping these guys put down the Buddhist prayer beads, tape up and play dirty. (Hint: lift up the opponents pads and punch him in the kidneys!)
USC (-21) vs. Arizona
Why do I keep returning to the Trojans like a battered wife who insists she “just ran into the doorknob with my face?” Because if I know anything about Pete Carroll’s Trojies it’s this: they bring in the big wins against teams from other divisions and right after they’ve been summarily humiliated. Plus, we are playing a new QB, Dirty Sanchez, who is as shifty and spry as Booty was clodding and slow. Which is probably why Sanchez was able to evade those rape charges. And with qualifications like that, this kid has a real future in the NFL.
Sunday on the Couch
New England (-3.5) vs. Dallas
You know what I love about Pat’s coach Bill Belichick? Every Sunday morning he looks like how I feel. Hungover, tired, confused, unwashed… You KNOW there’s no shirt under that sloppy sweatshirt. Grease glistens in his hair. The chance he’s freeballing it is terrifyingly high. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if the guy was wearing shower sandals. But what does he have to worry about? He’ll just roll in Sunday morning and tell the defensive line to sit back and wait for Romo to throw them the ball. I grant you another W, you magnificent bastard.
Cleveland (-5.5) vs. Miami
These little Brownie Elves won my heart last week! It had nothing to do with their style of play and everything to do with their style of hair. Their QB is sporting a superfly porno-stash that kind of reminded me of the Vikings logo.
Chicago (-6) vs. Minnesota
It’s really not a question here if Chicago is going to win. The more exciting consideration is, who will score more touchdowns? The offense of the defense?
Atlanta (+3) vs. NY Giants
Too soon?
The Secret Language of Referees, Decoded
Check out my huge package.
I’m a submissive. My safe word is…
Where did I park?
Helllloooo sailors!
Bloody Mary Condiment of the Week:
Tequila.
