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On My Boyfriend's Couch - A Woman's Perspective on Football - October 17, 2007:
On My Boyfriend’s Couch is a new column dedicated to the women who are spending their weekends sequestered in their man’s lair, nuking homemade nachos, surreptitiously doing the crossword, topping off bloody marys and generally trying to make football weekends more compelling. It is this female columnist’s philosophy that through legally-ambiguous gambling and a very thin knowledge of the game, not only will more women love watching football – men will love their women more too.
2007 Picks Record
College Picks (9-6)
Pro Picks (7-8)
My Picks:
…were abysmal last week. I seriously hope no one out there is taking my advice. I’m learning that the more time I spend on my Boyfriend’s Couch, the more I start to bet like my Boyfriend. That is not necessarily the best thing. But it’s hard to cut out certain negative influences when it’s his frigging couch.
Saturday on the Couch
I think its sooooo sweet that all the college teams want to give everyone a chance to be number one. Like good natured sorority sisters, they are quick to step aside and share the glory with their peers. Who knows what will happen this week? Will Ohio State don some white robes, light a couple of candles, sing a pledge song and “pass the torch” to their replacement? Then we can all totally pig-out a pizza-sized cookie at the afterwards! A-dor-able!
Notre Dame (-17) vs. USC
Battered Trojan wife that I am, I have finally “fallen down the stairs” one too many times for my team. Listen, Trojans: I know you only rough me up because you care so much. Damn me and my sass mouth! I promise that I won’t make you angry again, baby. But would it kill you to cover?
Michigan St. (+17) vs. Ohio St.
I tried in vain to find anything online that would convince me that the Buckeyes could cover. Instead, I found that this themed pizza being sold to the locals. Call me crazy, but I don’t think that this bodes well for their claims of athletic superiority.
Oregon (-11 1/2) vs. Washington
The Dawn of the Duck is upon us. This is game worth tuning into just to see the worst uniforms of the West coast clashing together to create a hideous mess. Or, will these seemingly disparate colors blend together to create something beautiful like this Oscar de la Renta that I’ve been eyeing?
LSU (-10 1/2) vs. Auburn
This was a tough one for me, emotionally. I love the concept of Auburn because they have this eagle they release before their big games – and any university that employs a falconer is okay by me. And if you look in the stands, all the dudes are really cute and wearing suits. But who can deny the garish appeal of LSU? Those goofy gluttons had me at “Jamarcus.”
All of LSU’s logo art looks designed by a 1980’s break dancing gang.
BONUS PICK!
Cal (- Anything the bookies determine) vs. UCLA
As I am writing of this column, the lines for this game have not yet been determined. My Boyfriend explained that it’s because they don’t know who is playing QB for Cal, but in my mind, that takes all the gambling out of gambling. Set a line and take a chance you pussies! I wonder if there’s a place online where you can bet on what the line will actually be… At any rate, Karl Dorrell just announced that he is going to be more “hands on” with UCLA’s offense, which means the Bruins don’t have a prayer.
Sunday on the Couch
I missed the carnage of Sunday morning because the Boyfriend and I went to a modern furniture and art auction. Ladies, take note. If you spend enough time on the couch with your man watching football and giving half-time BJs, before you know it, you’re holding hands and walking through mid-century furnishings. He won’t even know how he got there or how you have hypnotized him. All he will wonder is – is it time to invest in a vintage dish set? But heed my words, ladies. This is a very advanced move that is only to be attempted after a solid year of flawless couch behavior. Don’t think you can sit on his couch for a one quarter of a game, attempt a half-assed handjob and demand leisurely Sunday brunches. You still have much to learn. Follow my lead, young grasshoppers. I am the master.
His couch today... this couch tomorrow.
Dallas (-10) vs. Minnesota
I once heard that the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders only get paid $5 a game. I don’t even want to know how much Romo earns to throw picks all afternoon. But I must wonder… If the strippers at the Lusty Lady can unionize, why can’t cheerleaders? To me, this is epitomizes everything that’s wrong with the kind of girls that wind up “cheering.” They won’t demand respect because they are too insecure and paranoid someone hotter is eyeing their pompoms, their five lousy bucks and their deluded shot at fame. Still, I hate Minnesota for what they did to my Chicago Bears. Way to win by a super-duper long kick, you wusses. What is this – soccer?
Respect my art!
New England (-13.5) vs. Miami
I don’t think the vastly superior robotics that is the Patriots offensive line is designed to win by less than two touchdowns. Do they have a soul? No. Are they fun to watch? No. Are they programmed to cover? Yes. And since I can’t help but heap the hate on any team from Florida, here is my favorite local news story of the week. Why is it that Venice is sinking and Florida is not?
Indianapolis (-3) vs. Jacksonville
Peyton Manning is very doughy. He’ll shill on a tampon commercial if the price is right, and I have a feeling he tells racist jokes when no one is listening. He probably eats Count Chocula with chocolate milk from a salad bowl every morning and sleeps with a hot water bottle every night. He has undoubtedly shaved his arms at one point in time as an experiment. He measures his penis regularly, and internally debates the true definition of “average.” But god damn if that goofball can’t lead a football team.
Pottery. Of course.
Pittsburgh (-3.5) vs. Denver
I hate the Broncos because they started this stupid trend to call a last-second time out just as a critical field goal is being kicked and then the kicker freaks, chokes, and congratulations, you just won a game by being a prick abusing a technicality. Pretty soon we are going to start calling stuff like: No Take Backs, Indian Giving, Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater and Whoever Denied It Supplied It. Grow up, you twats. This is supposed to be football.
Bloody Mary Non-Condiments of the Week
Of late, I’ve been doing extensive research online, looking for the ultimate recipe. I’ve discovered some disturbing ingredients that should never be used in a Mary. Please, for henceforth ban:
• Shrimp
• Carrots
• Green Beans
• Relish
• Sprite
• Asparagus
• Salami
• Mushrooms
Bloody Mary Condiment of the Week
Lawry’s Special Salt is one of my favorite condiments in life! What doesn’t taste better with Lawry’s on it? It’s salty and smoky and explodes on the palate like a million little flavor fairies.
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