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On My Boyfriend's Couch - A Woman's Perspective on Football - October 26, 2007:
On My Boyfriend’s Couch is a new column dedicated to the women who are spending their weekends sequestered in their man’s lair, nuking homemade nachos, surreptitiously doing the crossword, topping off bloody marys and generally trying to make football weekends more compelling. It is this female columnist’s philosophy that through legally-ambiguous gambling and a very thin knowledge of the game, not only will more women love watching football – men will love their women more too.
2007 Picks Record
College Picks (11-9)
Pro Picks (9-9-1)
Saturday on the Couch
I spent last Saturday in enemy territory, otherwise known as the Rose Bowl. Let me tell you, the only thing more terrifying than being surrounded by grown adults wearing baby blue UCLA shirts, is being surrounded by sorority chicks that were only cute enough to pledge at Cal. So. Many. Kankles.
The most remarkable thing was how depressed Bruins fans were at their victory! Get settled, Coach Durrell. I hope that you have registered your car insurance in California, bought instead of rented, and thrown some CA plates on your car. You’re gonna be here awhile.
Wisconsin (+8) vs. Indiana
Indiana’s really more about cars driving in circles and a college bicycle race. Does that sound like a place that raises boys who can hit?
USC (-2.5) vs. Oregon
The era of Booty is long gone. Long live Sanchez and his filthy loving ways! Hopefully Oregon won’t blind our Trojies with their strange uniforms. Please boys, don’t wear the nuclear yellow. It clashes with our Victory gold.
Oregon State (+13.5) vs. Stanford
This game is a whole maroon mess. Avert your eyes. But take the free money and give the points. Everyone knows that the guys at Stanford only get lucky but once a year.
Penn State (-3.5) vs. Ohio St.
No one likes to be number one. And I have always had a fondness for the non-uniform uniforms of Penn State. You don’t see them wearing helmets with stupid stickers all over them. So minimalist. So Jil Sander. It’s a clean, crisp, yet casual white that says “I do this everyday. I’m going to work.”
Sunday on the Couch
My divining powers are on a low setting today, which could or could not be related to the ample amount of Manhattans I consumed last night. So, to help me figure out who I should wager on this Sunday, I have asked for assistance from some of my friends and ex-lovers, a bevy of professional magicians.
Roy of Siegfried and Roy cranked up his morphine drip enough to whisper these words in my ear: “I hate Lions.” Duly noted, my handi-capable friend. I think he’s telling me to take the Bears.
Bears (-4) vs. Lions
 Mystery, master of the “Venusian Arts” and star of “The Pick Up Artist” dropped me a wise tip in between the dazzling illusions he performed at the bar of the Saddle Ranch last night. He told me that Travis Henry was a former student of his, and that his powers of seduction rival none other. He has knocked up nine women to date. Imagine how many he used the “withdrawal” method on! Take the Broncos and their super sperm.
 Denver (-3) vs. Greenbay
Criss Angel, aka “Mindfreak” stopped me on Melrose to pull a threaded needle out of my belly and then told me to take his fellow “Mindfreak” Tom Brady all season long. His mojo rivals Angel’s -- and Angel once managed to band Britney and Cameron Diaz in the same weekend. It’s true. “In Touch” magazine doesn’t lie.
New England (-16.5) vs. Washington
 Recently accused for rape, I didn’t expect to find Mr. David Copperfield hanging out at the Circle Bar at the Hard Rock Casino in Las Vegas. But sure enough, there he was, buying girls double-tall Long Island Iced Teas. Anyhow, when I asked him who he was backing this weekend, he mentioned his “home boy” Kobe Bryant. But Copperfield also threw some love out to the Tennessee Titans, who are hosting some of our favorite past and future jailbirds. Surely someone on this team (Pac man, perhaps?) has been accused of rape more than once.
Tennessee (-7.5) vs. Oakland
Bloody Mary Condiment of the Week
In tribute to the scorched earth of Southern California, the heady smoke in the air and the blazing hot wind, I salute you, Tapatio. You are the go to hot sauce for everything, and damn if you don’t kick up a Mary! .
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