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On My Boyfriend's Couch - A Woman's Perspective on Football - November 1st 2007:
On My Boyfriend’s Couch is a new column dedicated to the women who are spending their weekends sequestered in their man’s lair, nuking homemade nachos, surreptitiously doing the crossword, topping off bloody marys and generally trying to make football weekends more compelling. It is this female columnist’s philosophy that through legally-ambiguous gambling and a very thin knowledge of the game, not only will more women love watching football – men will love their women more too.
2007 Picks Record
College Picks (13-11)
Pro Picks (11-11-1)
Before we get started, a thousand “Thank Gods” that baseball season has finally ended after one of the most boring playoff seasons to date. I was actually forced to watch one of these games at a sports bar where some dipshit had changed the channel from the VTech game. At any rate, the most exciting thing that happened in the next three hours was a stolen base that won America a free taco. Ole.
I think I’m starting to hate Red Sox fans. I always thought it was such bullshit that they bellyached about the “curse” when everyone knows that the Cubs haven’t won a World Series in a century. Now that’s a real losing streak! Well, congratulations, Boston. You are now a winning franchise full of gazillion dollar players and hanger-on fans. You have become what you hate the most – the Yankees.
Saturday on the Couch
Admittedly, I did spend Halloween dressed as a USC Song Girl for the sole purpose of sexually gratifying my Bruin-loving boyfriend. Ladies, I highly recommend this tactic. However, please confirm that the cheerleaders of the school your boyfriend hates are sufficiently hot. If he went to Cal for instance, dressing up as at Stanford cheerleader may arouse nothing but disdain and chilling memories of the time he caught a glimpse up that fugly chick’s skirt. (Shivers.) At any rate, my fave Pac Ten teams took a trouncing last week. So this week I’m averting my eyes from the entire conference.
Navy (-3.5) vs. Notre Dame
It was so difficult to write this column this week, because all I wanted to do was plagiarize this terrific article entitled The Worst Football Coach in the Universe: Introducing Charlie Weis. I had always assumed as much. In fact, the only thing that surprised me about this article was that Weis is spelled with only one S.
Wisconsin (+13.5) vs. Ohio St.
I don’t have much to say to Ohio, except thanks for putting Bush back in the White House. Good move. On the other hand, I once went to a Brewers game, there were vendors selling beer in the parking lot after the game. They were literally handing huge open cups beer through car windows as they drove out of the stadium. Huh. Maybe I don’t hate baseball that much after all. That, or Wisconsin has managed to make that sport bearable. For that alone, they will have my eternal admiration.
Northwestern (+1) vs. Iowa
Nobody knows this, but this is actually a huge rivalry. Ok, maybe its not that anyone knows and more like no one cares. But NU is at home and they HATE the Hawkeyes with the fire of a thousand suns. The feeling is mutual. I heard that Iowa paints their visitor’s locker room pink when the Wildcats come to town. This is the one game of the year that the kitties are going to take personally. Now, if I could only find a channel that broadcasts the game…
North Carolina St.(-13) vs. Miami
Talk about a pack! Damn. The NC Flag Girls (or “flaggits” as we used to call them) could take on Miami. Anyhow, I’m sure this week in Florida there were twenty hurricanes, countless pedophilia rings busted, the first stateside outbreak of SARS and several deposed dictators celebrating their birthdays at cheesy nightclubs. How do they even have the time to care about sports?
Sunday on the Couch
My boyfriend is making chili. I’m afraid. Not that chili isn’t delicious, but one pays a steep price. I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but if you’ve been on your boyfriend’s couch for under six months, don’t eat chili. Keep the magic alive.
Green Bay (-1) vs. Kansas City
My boyfriend and I saw Bruce Springsteen in concert this week, and in many ways, Favre is like the Boss. Except that Favre has to lead a young team full of chumps and Bruce gets the E Street Band. At any rate, I still can’t see him getting waxed by the Chiefs. Sure they have won lately, but the Little Steven, Clarence Clemons and Patty Scialfa could beat the Raiders and Bengals back to back.
Buffalo (-3) vs. Bengals
My boyfriend calls the Bengals the “Bungles” and that always makes me laugh. He also calls me “Marshawn” during sex, but I don’t try to read into that.
New England (-4) vs. Indianapolis
Who is going to win the shootout between America’s favorite quarterbacks? Well, who’s banging a supermodel and who is going to bed wearing Green Lantern underroos? I rest my case.
Dallas (-3) vs. Philly
My interest in the Cowboy’s franchise has been renewed thanks to Perez Hilton. He has developed a bit of a crush on Romo and has been drawing semen dripping out of his mouth. This is actually a compliment.
Bet your picks this week at Sportsbook.com (click on ad below):
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