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On My Boyfriend's Couch - A Woman's Perspective on Football - November 8th 2007:
On My Boyfriend’s Couch is a new column dedicated to the women who are spending their weekends sequestered in their man’s lair, nuking homemade nachos, surreptitiously doing the crossword, topping off bloody marys and generally trying to make football weekends more compelling. It is this female columnist’s philosophy that through legally-ambiguous gambling and a very thin knowledge of the game, not only will more women love watching football – men will love their women more too.
2007 Picks Record
College Picks (13-15)
Pro Picks (14-11-2)
Well, last week was a tumultuous one, with USC finally covering and dreamy Tom Brady putting a whipping on the underroo-clad Peyton Manning. Sure we could talk about football, but there are writers who are way more knowledgeable than me you can consult about the nuances of last week’s games. Instead I would like to focus on my new favorite addition to the Boyfriend’s Couch: The Little Dipper. Made by Rival, sporting a dazzling stainless sheen and perfect for tabletop display, this little baby has won me over. Sure, you may need an extension cord to make it all the way to the coffee table center, but your boyfriend will certainly dig one up once he discovers you are making queso! And it will stay hot! All game long! Last week I made nacho cheese dip and this past week I made a spinach artichoke dip that was divine. I would share, but I don’t work from recipes. I’m like a ninja in the kitchen. I work from instinct. Anyhow, Christmas is coming, and nothing makes a better companion gift to pair of diamond solitaires like The Little Dipper.
Saturday on the Couch
Auburn (+2) vs. Georgia
Auburn has the power of the War Eagle and I’ve been reading a lot of embarrassing fantasy novels lately (mad love to Philip Pullman’s Dark Materials Trilogy) and all the people have magical animal companions that give them power and wisdom. My god, it is such a glorious magical world! The pageantry! The intrigue! The fantasy! (I now need to turn in my Hot Chick Card for a Sad Lame Girl one.)
Arizona State (-7) vs. UCLA
Bruins fans, my dear boyfriend included, are so pleased to be the Lucky Pierre of the Pac 10 this year because it means they will likely be getting a new Sodomist, I mean, coach. In fact, they will enjoy taking it in unholy ways for the rest of the season. That’s right, I said take it, bitch!
Washington (+11 ½) vs. Stanford
Ragging on Stanford is just so easy. They are an entire school full of douche nozzles and I know Stanford alums that will tell you this is true. The guys wear sandals – aka Mandals. The women have happy trails up to their navels. And the squirrels kill at night.
Arkansas (-1) vs. Tennessee
Here is a game worth watching and a team worth rooting for just so you can sit and yell “Go Hogs!” for a few hours.
Sunday on the Couch
Detroit (-1) vs. Arizona
Did I ever tell you about the time that I met the Arizona Cardinals at the Key Club on Sunset and we partied on their bus? My girlfriend left with them, and then had the entire team break into my house while I was away (undoubtedly doing something quite moral) because she left her purse locked inside. Unlike most NFL teams, their burglary skills were really amateurish. My kitchen screen was left hanging; there were footprints in my kitchen sink, and fingerprints everywhere. That wouldn’t happen if the Lions broke in.
Buffalo (-3) vs. Miami
I have three words for Miami. In the immortal words of the glorious hit film: You Got Served.
Chicago (-3) vs. Oakland
Chicago is a bunch of seasoned, manly men, who look death in the eye every Sunday and say, “let’s dance.” Oakland, on the other hand, is currently coached by a dude they found down at a sports bar.
Indianapolis (-3) vs. San Diego
Man, Peyton Manning was pouting like a little girl who just got her dolly taken away! Well, that sad little girl is going to show the world this weekend! Just like every scorned brat from Firestarter to Lorena Bobbit, Miss Manning is going to unleash hell!
Bet your picks this week at Sportsbook.com (click on ad below):
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