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On My Boyfriend's Couch - A Woman's Perspective on Football - November 16th 2007:
On My Boyfriend’s Couch is a new column dedicated to the women who are spending their weekends sequestered in their man’s lair, nuking homemade nachos, surreptitiously doing the crossword, topping off bloody marys and generally trying to make football weekends more compelling. It is this female columnist’s philosophy that through legally-ambiguous gambling and a very thin knowledge of the game, not only will more women love watching football – men will love their women more too.
2007 Picks Record
College Picks (14-18)
Pro Picks (15-13-3)
Ladies, a storm is a-gatherin’. This weekend marks a point in the football season where the games come at you like a horny drunk guy after midnight on his birthday. In a word: unrepentant. And you thought football just happened on weekends? Not during the Thanksgiving blitz, where there is a game to be watched just about any time of the day over the next ten days. Turn on the tube this Tuesday at 8:00am. Yes, there will be the Smurfs but there will also be a game. Think you can get out on a date this Wednesday night? Good luck. In short, if you have a boyfriend that has a couch, you are not getting laid for a dozen days.
The good news is, your guy won’t see you naked for the next dozen days. And this conveniently fishtails into the best eating holiday of the year! So get into a little stuffing and sweet potato pie. Pop the top button of your skinny jeans, chow down and spend your time laying down some bets.
College Couch
Kansas (-26.5) vs. Iowa State
Seriously, was a fatter man ever still walking upright? I actually have it on VERY good authority that KU Coach Mark Mangino is so fat that he has a special beach towel with handles sewn into the ends so he can wipe his ass. I’m as serious as a herpes outbreak. Let’s hope that he can get his head out of the gravy boat for a day and take the Jayhawks to the championship. And put down the drumstick, dude. You are moments away from Springer showing up to cart you out of the house on a flatbed.
Georgia (-7.5) vs. Kentucky
Damn the dogs took it to Auburn last week, and they are on a roll! When I think of Kentucky on the other hand, the only thing I can conjure is my boyfriend cursing them at the beginning of the season for dashing his hopes. Plus, I have a dog that has a favorite “ball” she likes to “mount,” and when I saw this adorable Bulldog Christmas ornament, I realized that it was just universal dog behavior and that my pup is not a pervert. Thanks, Georgia!
Virginia Tech (-17) vs. Miami
I was hesitant to pick VTech this season because I can’t stand a school that has to milk a senseless violent tragedy to elicit support and sympathy. Way to distract from your incompetence with never-ending candle light vigils and ‘moments of silence’ you douches. But when it comes time to bet against Florida, I must. Here’s hope that VTech goes on a bloody rampage against the ‘Canes. It’s the kind of massacre we all need.
Bonus Pick!
Oregon (minus anything) vs. UCLA
(next week)
Ladies, start saving your sheckles and get down on the Ducks next week. Yes, they just got hammered by Arizona, yes their QB is in questionable condition, and yes their championship dreams are dashed. But could there be a better punching bag out there than the UCLA Bruins? I don’t know much about football, but unlike Karl Dorrell, I do know that on 3rd and long in a light drizzle, you don’t lob it 3 yards and hope for the best. As UCLA coach, his greatest accomplishment is keeping his player from illegally using handicapped parking passes. Nice legacy, dipshit. You and Jimmy Carter.
Pro Couch
Minnesota (-5.5) vs. Oakland
Ladies, you know that all of our boyfriend’s have little “eccentricities” that we have to endure. Among my ex-boyfriends alone, I’ve dated men who are: obsessive parkers, canned soup collectors, golf freaks, non-flushers, baby powder fanatics, aggressive drivers, Tour de France fans and homosexual. But I swear, if my boyfriend tells me one more time about how he could have picked Adrian Petersen for his fantasy league, I’m going to lose it.
New England (-14.5) vs. Buffalo
Oh, Tom Brady! I can’t quit you! Let’s just take a long weekend, you and me, up in the mountains – riding horses, making campfires, sipping bourbon and telling stories. Then, when there’s a chill in the air, we’ll cuddle up together under a pile of blankets, hold each other tight and suck each others penises.
San Francisco (-3) vs. St. Louis
I might see more athleticism at my boyfriend’s weekly flag football team, where the talent agents, aspiring screen writers and professional party planners face off and strive for greatness. Anyhow the Rams are going down because San Francisco has a secret weapon. Sure they can’t score touchdowns, but damn can they kick a mean field goal.
New Orleans (-2.5) vs. Houston
Any franchise that thinks it’s a good idea to have “Junior Cheerleading Program” is on my shit list. The Texans are hosting girls ages 6-12 to teach them important concepts that all cheerleaders embrace like: crippling insecurity, bulimia, spray tanning and how to secretly pick a wedgie when thousands of people are watching. Saints, please take care of these chuckleheads. One more loss from you and I’m taking back my $250 of Katrina aid.
Libation Alert!
Girls, its time to put the Bloody Mary’s away and get into some seasonal booze. It’s going to be a long dozen days, and nothing keeps you warmer inside and out than spiked cider. In my version, which I’ve named Bitches Brew, you pour a bunch of Martinelli’s cider in a pot, glug in a ton of bourbon, a splash of brandy, a couple of pinches of cinnamon and float some orange slices on top. Drink liberally. If you want, you can add in some apple brandy or schnapps, if you happen to have that shit lying around from your sorority days. And if you are still drinking apple-tinis, stop. Really.
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