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AC TITTICOCK'S WEEKLY FREE NBA BASKETBALL PICKS AND WINNERS
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AC's Wagercom 2008-2009 NBA Picks Season Record
Wins: 2 Losses: 2 Ties: 0
NBA Picks Winning Percentage: 50%
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AC's outlook on the NBA is an entertaining original column featured here at Wagercom. If you are prone to NBA betting or even just an NBA fan, make sure you come back often to read his articles and free NBA Basketball picks against the spread. AC will be providing us with a weekly outlook during the basketball season including free NBA Basketball picks on some of the weekend games each Friday and Saturday.
Our NBA expert AC has had 5 consecutive winning seasons picking NBA games against the spread making you money including the VIG. AC does this out of the kindness of his heart and for the naked pictures of your girlfriends you send him as a token of your appreciation. So enjoy the columns and the picks..
AC'S NBA 2008-2009 NBA SEASON PREVIEW:
The NBA basketball season is finally here and I am as excited as Barney Frank at a cockfight. This season features a stronger top to the Western Conference, a just as crappy bottom to the Eastern Conference, and six teams with legitimate chances to win the title (here’s a hint: Boston, Cleveland, LA Lakers, New Orleans, Portland, and Utah). Additionally, this season promises to answer some very important questions such as can the Celtics repeat? Is Greg Oden for real? And is Stephon Marbury a tortured genius or a tortuous penis?
Given all of the questions, AC is going to try a little something new with his NBA preview. While I will still rank each team from first to worst by predicted overall regular season record for each of the two conferences, I will also seek to pose and answer the three most important questions for each team. So consider this NBA preview the most important 90 questions you have pondered since you took the SAT, GMAT, or your last breathalyzer test.
Eastern Conference:
1. Boston Celtics:
1. Can the Celtics win without James Posey and PJ Brown?
2. Will Rajon Rondo win most improved player of the year?
3. If you put Brian Scalabrine’s heart into Patrick O’Bryant’s body, would you still get a crappy player?
Answers:
1. The Celtics can absolutely win in the regular season without Posey and PJ Brown. KG, Pierce, Ray Allen, and Rajon Rondo are skilled enough to carry the Celtics to another 60+ wins, especially as KG does not take games off in the regular season. While about 25% of players try on most nights in the NBA, KG makes sure his teammates go all out for 48 minutes a night. So the Celtics won’t need Posey or Brown in the regular season, but when the playoffs come around they will be sorely missed.
Posey was one of the biggest playoff contributors last year hitting clutch three pointer after clutch three pointer while playing terrific team defense and helping to motivate the team. He made so many important shots that he must have elephant sized balls (that is if an elephant had elephantitis of the nuts). Not only did the Celtics not re-sign Posey, but they replaced him with no one. Tony Allen will likely take 50% of Posey’s minutes with Leon Powe taking the rest. I’m not saying Tony Allen is turnover prone, but he’s had more balls slip through his hands than Richard Simmons at a Halloween party in the Castro. If Allen doesn’t lead the league in times dribbled off the foot, I will be shocked. Remember, the Celtics initially let Allen go as a free agent and only brought him back once they couldn’t sign Posey.
As for replacing PJ Brown, the Celtics currently have no back up center on their roster unless you count Patrick O’Bryant and he likes basketball as much as Hemingway likes run-on sentences. Kendrick Perkins is the only other real center on the roster (other than Garnett) and he is coming off of shoulder surgery for the third time in his career. Here’s a hint: If you’re 24 years old and you’ve already had three shoulder surgeries, you may have a problem.
This won’t matter in the regular season, and maybe they make a trade to help fill the holes, but the Celtics will sorely miss Posey and PJ Brown during the playoffs. Trust me on this one, Tony Allen will do something stupid when it counts and everyone will lament the loss of the real Big Game James.
2. No, and that’s not because he won’t improve. I fully expect 15 points, 5 rebounds, 7 assists, and 2.5 steals from Rondo this year which will put him as a border line all-star. That said, Leon Powe is going to put up some very solid numbers since he is going to get ~1/2 of PJ Brown’s 15 minutes a night and ~1/2 of James Posey’s 25 minutes a night. So Powe will really be the Celtics sixth man and so far he has improved in just about every outing over the past two years. He has a nose for the ball, is ferocious on the offensive glass (mostly after his own missed shots), and runs the floor extremely well considering he has had more knee surgeries in his career than Tom Brady had this week. I know Leon Powe misses defensive assignments as many times as John McCain says “My Friends” but he is going to go from 8 points and 4 rebounds per game to something closer to 14 points and 7 rebounds per game as a sixth man on a 60 win team. Rondo is going to make a leap, but Powe’s will be bigger.
3. Yes, in fact you might even get a crappier player.
2. Cleveland Cavaqueers
1. How good is LeDong James?
2. Does it matter that Mo Williams can’t play defense?
3. Does Cleveland really rock?
Answers:
1. This really is LeDong’s world and we’re all just living in it. If any of you watched the Olympics, you saw that the US was really LeDong’s team. Yeah Kobe took over against Spain when it mattered but for the entire tournament up until then LeDong fueled Team USA. He is big, he is strong, he is fast, he can pass, he can rebound, he can score, and he can even shoot a little bit now too. There really may be no stopping LeDong anymore.
2. Not in the least. Cleveland plays tremendous team defense, among the best in the NBA. Given that, Williams will have plenty of backside and weakside help for when he gets burned by whomever he is guarding. The benefits Williams brings to the offensive side of the ball are more than enough to mask any defensive deficiencies. His ability to create off the dribble should really help LeDong. Williams is like a good, more in control version of Larry Hughes. The NBA needs to beware.
3. Fuck if I care.
3. Detroit Pistons
1. How good is Rodney Stuckey?
2. Is this Amir Johnson’s breakout year?
3. Is this the year that RaWeed Wallace finally goes batty?
Answers:
1. After a sluggish start in the playoffs, Stuckey got better and better. He still doesn’t have a great outside shot, and he still plays a bit out of control, but he can score in bunches and has the athletic ability to play solid defense. He’s not quite an all-star but he could definitely be the third option on a championship team (unfortunately this Pistons team is not championship level, so the last point is a bit irrelevant).
2. I’ve actually been on the Amir Johnson bandwagon for two full years now and have yet to be rewarded. I am starting to think Johnson is like the Arizona Cardinals of the NFL. Every pre-season people pick the Cardinals as the sleeper team and every regular season they wind up sucking again. Amir Johnson is a 4 point and 5 rebound per game month away from being the Cardinals of the NBA. While he’s only 21, he has been hanging around the NBA for 3 years and has shown spots of promise in inconsistent playing time. In limited time he has averaged a blocked shot every 10 minutes and shot over 55% from the floor. Since he has in theory replaced Antonio McDyess in the starting line-up, he should challenge Rajon Rondo and Leon Powe for most improved player of the year, but then again, I thought this would happen last year.
3. Yes. The Pistons are going to struggle a bit and he is either going to get traded half way through the year or pull a Vince Young.
4. Orlando Magic
1. If Dwight Howard could do anything besides dunk on the offensive end (including shooting free throws), would he be the best player in the game?
2. Can a team go far in the playoffs with Jameer Nelson as their starting point guard?
3. Is Hedo Turkoglu the ugliest player in NBA history?
Answers:
1. Yes. Dwight Howard is as much of an athletic freak as Robin Williams is a douche bag. Howard is seven feet tall, can jump through the roof, and is stronger than a hobo’s breath after that hobo ate a turd sandwich. If Howard could ever figure out how to score from more than 5 feet out, he would be as dominant as LeDong. Seriously.
2. Yes. As long as that team was playing in the ABA. Look, I like Jameer Nelson, he is a decent enough point guard but he’s too slow on defense, he doesn’t shoot particularly well, and he’s to short to mask his lack of athleticism to ever be a top point guard.
3. Steve Colter and Popeye Jones disagree.
5. Philadelphia 76ers
1. How much does Elton Brand help them?
2. When will they free Lou Williams?
3. Does Billy King deserve any credit for putting this team together?
Answers:
1. It depends on which Elton Brand shows up. Brand turns 30 this season and is coming off of achilles tendon surgery, both of which are not what you look for in a player. Additionally, he has played 8 seasons (not counting last year) and has made the playoffs only once. So he is probably being way overrated by NBA know-it-alls and fans. In fact he might be the modern day Buck Williams. What we know though, is that when Williams was finally traded to a good team (Portland) he was able to be a consistent playoff performer.
Now the Sixers played with more effort on a consistent basis than anyone in the NBA last year other than the Celtics and I fully expect Mo Cheeks to continue to motivate them. Expectations are higher though and they will struggle a bit at first. Adding Brand could be huge though as their biggest flaw last year was that their only big man was Samuel Dalembert and Dalembert is to a basketball player what Sarah Palin is to abortion (that is he is a failed basketball player like she is a failed abortion). In short, Brand should help, unless his age and injury weigh him down (30% chance).
2. I really don’t know but AC has been driving the Lou Williams bandwagon for three years. He is an incredible athlete, plays within himself most of the time, and just can not be stopped offensively when he is being aggressive. Again, his problem is that he is too short to be a shooting guard and not a good enough distributor to be a point guard. Either way, Cheeks needs to find 25-30 minutes a night for this guy. He is that good.
3. No.
6. Toronto Raptors
1. How good is Jose Calderon?
2. Is Jermaine O’Neal finally healthy?
3. Is the Brass Rail the greatest strip club in the Eastern part of North America?
Answers:
1. Jose can play. He shot 50% from the floor, 90% from the line and averaged over 8 assist per game in only 30 minutes a night. It’s too bad this team doesn’t have a shooting guard to take some of the pressure off Calderon.
2. I doubt it. Big men and knee injuries tend to mix about as well as nuts and gum or Sarah Palin and books. O’Neal may be healthy for awhile but even if he is, he is not a great complementary player for Chris Bosh. Bosh had a great Olympics and should garner more attention this year with his increased confidence but O’Neal will clog up the middle for him and generally get in his way. Their games are similar to a degree, though Bosh obviously has an outside game, but for the most part they operate within 10 feet of the basket. A healthy O’Neal is a positive, but probably not as big a positive as people think.
3. When the Canadian dollar was at $.70 to the US dollar many years ago, there was not a finer place.
7. Miami Heat
1. Is Dwyane Wyane Wade ready for a big year?
2. Can you win with Marcus Banks as your starting point guard?
3. How long before Michael Beasley gets arrested for smoking pot?
Answers:
1. Wade may win MVP this year. He is that good. In the Olympics there was nothing he couldn’t do, except maybe beat Michael Phelps in the butterfly and bang Dara Torres (though I bet he could have if he really tried). Wade is an absolute terror on the court. He can drive, shoot, and even steal the ball on defense. He is good enough to take this team to the playoffs even though his supporting cast is worse than the supporting cast of Everybody Loves Raymond.
2. Umm, did I just pick the Heat to make the playoffs? Really? And Marcus Banks is penciled in as their starter? Ugh.
3. I have the under on January 15th. Miami and Michael Beasley is as bad of a mix as Michael Jackson and a kindergarten.
8. Atlanta Hawks
1. Will Al Horford step up his offensive game?
2. Can Josh Smith play with effort night in and night out?
3. Was Josh Childress really that important?
Answers:
1. Yes. Horford was an absolute beast in the payoffs against the Celtics, though you would only have known it if you watched closely. He averaged 12 points and 10 boards but most of all was not intimidated by the Celtics. I think he steps up his game this year like Jessica Biel after 7th Heaven.
2. Only if a dime bag of weed is on the line. Josh Smith has all of the tools to be a top 10 NBA player and yet I doubt he ever makes an all-star game. While he has improved every year and is just about to turn 23, he just doesn’t seem to care enough on a nightly basis.
3. Yes. Childress is kind of a jack of all trades in that he can play down low, pop out for a ten to fifteen footer, and hide snacks in his afro like Captain Caveman did in his beard. The biggest problem with losing Childress is that the Hawks are replacing him with Maurice Evans who is decent, but not decent enough.
9. Washington Wizards
1. Will Gilbert Arenas contribute this year and where is he on a scale of one to crazy?
2. Is there a more boring team in the NBA to watch than an Arenas-less Wizards?
3. When will Eddie Jordan be fired?
Answers:
1. Arenas will contribute but not until 2009 and by then the Wizards will be almost eliminated. Plus, the team will have to adjust to Arenas’ ballhogging ways when he comes back. I doubt this ends well for anyone involved, kind of like Diff’rent Strokes.
As for where Arenas ranks on the scale of crazy, he’s not actually on it. Gilbert is loony, not crazy. The difference being that loony is always harmless, like Ricky Davis, while crazy can be bad like Stephen Jackson.
2. Not even close. Other than DeShawn Stephenson, the Arenas-less Wizards are blander than a ham sandwich with mayo on wonder bread washed down with a fresca.
3. Sorry Wiz fans, but Eddie is getting the full year.
10. Charlotte Bobcats
1. Can Sean May stay healthy?
2. Are there more Charlotte Bobcat fans, Charlotte Hornet fans, or Charlotte Rae fans?
3. Why would the Bobcats draft DJ Augustin when they have Raymond Felton?
Bonus question: What’s the difference between Adam Morrison and one time Celtics’ draft pick Michael Smith?
Answers:
1. What is the old saying? If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is probably Jerry Lewis (that one is for my older readers). Asking Sean May to stay healthy is like asking Britney Spears to do long division, it’s just not going to happen. He’s six foot nine, close to 300 pounds, and has a history of knee problems. Take the under on any bet involving Sean May.
2. Mrs. Garrett wins in a landslide, which is why the NBA needs to look into contraction.
3. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to Charlotte Bobcats GM Michael Jordan. Oh yeah, Raymond Felton might also suck.
Bonus Answer: Diabetes.
11. Chicago Bulls
1. What do you get when you cross Steve Urkel with RaWeed Wallace?
2. Will Kirk Hinrich and Luol Deng continue to regress?
3. Can Tyrus Thomas hit a shot other than a dunk (see Howard, Dwight)?
Answers:
1. Joakim Noah.
2. Deng’s 2007-2008 season has to be a fluke. He looked like he was ready to break out after the 2007 playoffs but instead his season statistics declined in just about every category. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt in that he missed ~20 games due to injury, but this will be a big season for him. He either shows he can be a 20 point, 8 rebound, 3 assist, go-to-guy, or he will get the perennial second banana label. He’s also only 23 so he is just coming into his own.
As for Hinrich, I think it is more likely that his 2006-2007 season was a fluke and last year was his real potential. In 2006-2007 he shot ,448 from the floor while in each of his other 4 seasons he has shot no better than .414. With Derrick Rose ready to play, Hinrich’s reversion to his crappy self will go unnoticed as he will spend more time on the bench (and yes I was a Kirk Hinrich believer).
3. Maybe a tequila shot, but that is it. Tyrus Thomas is to offensive skills as Isiah Thomas is to GMing. The guy simply can not play basketball, but then again, neither could Tyson Chandler when he first started. If Thomas figures it out, Chandler is his upside (which is not bad) otherwise his upside is Fennis Dembo.
12. Milwaukee Bucks
1. They traded what for Richard Jefferson?
2. Did you hear the one about the team who only drafted and signed small forwards?
3. What is a Ramon Sessions?
Answers:
1. The Bucks traded bust in the making Yi Dingaling for solid all around player Richard Jefferson. A great trade for the Bucks as Dingaling is just plain bad, as noted by his benching in the Olympics.
2. While trading for Jefferson was a good move, drafting two small forwards (Joe Alexander and Luc Mbah a Moute) after that trade is as perplexing as the end to Gogol’s Dead Souls. Joe Alexander might be the biggest bust since Morganna.
3. In the last 5 games of 2007-2008, Sessions had 10, 14, 13, 24, and 14 assists. Seriously, those are ridiculous numbers. He also scored 20 and 25 points in his last 2 games. While Sessions is apparently backing up Luke Ridnour to start the season, that can’t last. Watch as Ramon Sessions becomes the most famous Ramon since Razor Ramon.
13. Indiana Pacers
1. When did Larry Bird die?
2. What can they get for Jamal Tinsley?
3. Is Roy Hibbert going to contribute?
Answers:
1. I don’t know, but the Larry Bird I grew up with would never build a team with a roster featuring Mike Dunleavy, Troy Murphy, Rasho Nesterovic, TJ Ford, and Danny Granger. Larry knows basketball and this team is anything but a basketball team. Sigh.
2. A ham sandwich, a $2 off coupon for Wendy’s, and a used pair of shoelaces.
3. He’ll only contribute to Larry Bird’s now waning front office basketball legacy. I know you can’t teach height, but you can teach skill and Hibbert has none of that.
14. New York Knicks
1. Could Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph be worse fits for Mike D’Antoni’s system?
2. Is David Lee now overrated?
3. Will they be able to blame Isiah for drafting Danilo Gallinari?
Answers:
1. I’m not saying Eddy Curry is an unmotivated fat lazy turd, but he did sit on an exercise ball last week and have it explode on him. While Randolph has a modicum of speed, Curry is to running basketball what subprime borrowers are to paying off their loans. It is amazing to me that Curry had heart problems when he so obviously has no heart (maybe that was his problem). This is going to be a disastrous season for the Knicks with Curry enjoying it from the bench.
2. Yes. David Lee is a nice player, but he is no all-star and probably around league average at the power forward spot. He doesn’t block shots, he can’t shoot, but he does rebound, run, and dunk. He will be a very good fit for D’Antoni’s system, but he’s still just average. Put him down for 12 points, 10 rebounds, and 2 groupies boned per night. David Lee must get more ass than a Grand Central Station toilet seat.
3. Si. Gallinari sta andando succhiare come i ravioli cotti troppo.
15. New Jersey Nets
1. They traded Richard Jefferson for what?
2. How long until LeDong comes to New Jersey?
3. Should we feel sorry for Devin Harrs?
Answers:
1. As noted in the Bucks preview, the Nets traded border line all-star Richard Jefferson for border line ABA player Yi Dingaling. This trade is just awful for the Nets unless Dingaling brings a crowd of 20k Chinese people a night to the Meadowlands. This trade is so bad I had to double check to see if Isiah Thomas is now running the Nets.
2. Two years from now LeDong will join up with his buddy Jay-Z and sign with the Nets. This is a worse kept secret than Hilary Swank having a penis.
3. Yes. Devin Harris is a good point guard ready to break out. The problem is he is going to be stuck on this terrible team with a ton of lousy big men (Josh Boone, Sean Williams, Brook Lopez, Eduardo Najera) and no one to whom to dish the ball. I can see Harris getting frustrated and forcing plays as the season wears on making him look worse than he really is.
Western Conference
1. New Orleans Whorenets
1. Is Chris Paul that good?
2. How much of a difference will James Posey make?
3. Why would anyone in New Orleans go to a basketball game?
Answer:
1. Yes Chris Paul is an absolute beast. He is good enough to lead this team to a championship. He can shoot, pass, defend, and even deliver babies at half time.
2. Posey will make a huge difference. He is not just clutch, but he can help spread the floor with his 3-point shooting which will allow Chris Paul more room to penetrate. Plus Posey is a great lockerroom presence, like air freshener and urinal walls. This was a great signing by the Whorenets.
3. I really have no idea. Why would you sit through two and a half hours of dudes running up and down a court when you could be on Bourbon Street throwing beads to see some of these.
2. LA Lakers
1. How much of a difference will Andrew Bynum make?
2. Is there a worse pressure player than Lamar Odom?
3. Have you heard the one about the Jew, the black, and the Asian who walk into a bar?
Answers:
1. Bynum is a difference maker if his knee holds up. He is as good at defense as Al Jefferson is on offense and better on offense than Al Jefferson is at defense. I use that comparison because people seem to think The Big Lazy (Al Jefferson) is the best young center when in fact Bynum is much much better. If you put Bynum down low to mask the overall weakness of some of the Lakers defenders, it makes LA a completely different team. I am a huge Bynum fan, as long as he can stay healthy.
2. Hard to say. Odom was a bit worse than non-existent in the Finals against the Celtics. The guy has more talent than 90% of the league and yet he was nowhere to be found when the games mattered. He disappeared like a vile of coke in Lindsay Lohan’s purse. Maybe it is from smoking too much weed or maybe he hates the pressure, but Odom proved that he is not a prime time player.
3. The bartender says “Wow, it’s the Lakers point guard rotation.” That’s right, the Lakers are running out a Jew (Jordan Farmar), a black (Derek Fisher), and an Asian (Sun Yue) at the point guard spot. Just thought it should be noted.
3. Utah Jazz
1. Do the Jazz have a weakness?
2. Could Carlos Boozer have contributed less in the Olympics?
3. How do you tell the difference between Ronnie Brewer and CJ Miles?
Answers:
1. Unclear. The Jazz may be the most well rounded team in the NBA. They have a terrific point guard (Deron Williams), a low post scorer (Carlos Boozer), several three point shooters (Korver, Okur), solid defenders (Kirilenko, Brewer), and plenty of depth (CJ Miles, Matt Harpring, even Morris Almond). I guess the one real weakness is that they don’t have a slashing two guard who can create offense in a half court set. Otherwise, this team is incredibly solid.
2. He could have fallen on LeDong in practice and injured LeDong’s ankle.
3. Ronnie Brewer has the ugly shot while CJ Miles has the ugly porn star sharing the same name.
4. Houston Rockets
1. Can the Rockets win anything with Rafer Alston as their starting point guard?
2. What do Yao Ming and Ron Artest talk about in the lockerroom?
3. Is this team for real?
Answers:
1. Yes, the Rucker Park League.
2. Nietzsche.
3. Yes and no. Injuries are such a big factor for Houston that it is hard to predict how they will do. McGrady, Yao, and Artest get injured when the wind blows or when they step on an ant. They are more injury prone than Paris Hilton is STD prone. However, the Rockets have a nice supporting cast (my boy Carl Landry, the decaying body of Shane Battier, Aaron Brooks, Steve Francis, Luther Head) which makes them a strong contender if their big three can stay healthy.
5. Portland Trailblazers
1. Is this the most talented team 1-15 in the league?
2. How excited am I for the Greg Oden era?
3. What are we supposed to make of Rudy Fernandez?
Answers:
1. Yes. Portland’s bottom three players are Raef Lafrentz, Shavlik Randolph, and Nicolas Batum. Ok, that is a bad bottom three, but the other twelve players could all be NBA starters, and they are young. This is a team that will contend for years to come and potentially become a dynasty. They have Travis Outlaw and Martell Webster at small forward while their backcourt features Rudy Fernandez, Sergio Rodriguez, Jerryd Bayless, and Brandon Roy. That is just amazing. And on top of it all they have Oden, Channing Frye, LaMarcus Aldridge, and even Ike Diogu and Joe Pryzbilla in the front court. This team is more stacked than a Hawaiian Tropic swimsuit competition.
2. The last few times I have been this excited for anything were when the Red Sox went to the World Series in 2004, when I discovered the World Famous Mitchell Brothers O’Farrell Theatre, and 15 years ago when I realized Ken Kesey was still alive and might write another good book (which perhaps wasn’t the best notion, though the book he did wind up writing was a decent last go around). I really am so excited for the Greg Oden era to begin that I may name my first born after him.
3. If all we ever get out of the Rudy Fernandez era is this dunk, then I will consider it a success.
6. San Antonio Spurs
1. Is there a contending team with a worse bench than the Spurs?
2. Is Tim Duncan a power forward or a center?
3. Is this the end of the dynasty?
Answers:
1. No. The Spurs bench is atrociously bad, like a Greatful Dead song or an episode of the Ellen Degeneres show. They are not just old (Michael Finley, Jacques Vaughn, Kurt Thomas) but also very one dimensional (Ime Udoka can only shoot, and not very well, Matt Bonner can only, umm, actually I’m not sure what Matt Bonner can do). With Ginobili out for awhile, the Spurs are in danger of digging themselves a huge hole. They really need to completely revamp their roster.
2. While some argue that Tim Duncan is a center playing power forward, the fact is that he is a power forward, covers the other team’s power forward, and will go into the Hall of Fame as a power forward.
3. This is the way the Spurs end
This is the ways the Spurs end
This is the way the Spurs end
Not with a bang but a whimper (which would likely be coming from Tim “The Big Whiner” Duncan).
7. Dallas Mavericks
1. Can Dirk lead a team to a championship?
2. Who smokes more pot on a daily basis, Josh Howard or Gerald “The Scarecrow” Green?
3. Remember when Jason Kidd was good?
Answers:
1. No. Dirk has proven to be a very good player, but he does not come through in the clutch. He’d make a great Scottie Pippen to someone else’s Michael Jordan or a great Erika Eleniak to someone else’s Pam Anderson.
2. Josh Howard, only because Gerald Green doesn’t always remember how to use matches.
3. Yes. It wasn’t that long ago, but wow has he aged. I am not convinced that he is even better than Juan Berea who goes about 100 miles a minute. Dallas is going to struggle this year as they don’t really have an identity, plus they are going to be encumbered with the Rick Carlisle boring ball.
8. Phoenix Suns
1. Why don’t people give Amare Stoudamire his due on the offensive end?
2. Who is replacing Shawn Marion?
3. Can this team succeed in a half court offense?
Answers:
1. Unclear. I think it is because Phoenix is in the West and nobody on the East Coast can stay up to watch them play. Plus Stoudamire is allergic to playing defense, seriously, I think he is actually taking testosterone to try to cure it. That said, he is an unstoppable force on offense. His offense may suffer a bit as Phoenix goes to more half court sets, but there isn’t a player in the league who can guard him. If he ever cared about winning, he could be a real force.
2. Right now I think Matt Barnes is, which is not good if you’re a Suns fan. Barnes has gone from one of the worst players in the league to way overrated in three years. He is the Jennifer Lopez of the NBA.
3. It’s going to be tough. The Suns are going to need Leandro Barbosa to play a lot of 2 guard and slash to the basket in the half court set if they are going to succeed. Plus they are going to need to resuscitate Shaq and put some oil in his joints.
9. LA Clippers
1. Is there a better fit for the Clippers than Baron Davis?
2. Will Marcus Camby play in over 60 games this year?
3. Why can’t Chris Kaman get any love?
Bonus question: Is there enough weed in LA to satisfy Ricky Davis?
Answers:
1. Baron Davis is perfect for the Clips because he has always been a second tier point guard masquerading as a franchise player in the same way that the Clippers are a second tier team (to be generous) even though they are in a first rate city.
The Clips may actually surprise some people if Davis can remain healthy, of course that is a big if.
2. No way. He’s 34 years old and has only played in over 60 games 7 times in his 12 year career. The good news for the Clippers is that with Chris Kaman in the middle, they don’t have to rely on Camby and can use him for 25-30 minutes a night. Camby can still block shots, though putting him in LA is definitely a high risk situation since he hates laws. As long as the Nuggets were giving him away though, it was worth the trade.
3. Kaman averaged 16 points and 12 rebounds last year while also swatting 3 shots per game. Those are solid numbers and Kaman could be due for an even bigger breakout this year with Camby letting him relax a bit on the defensive end. Besides the fact that Kaman sold out and decided to play for the German team in the Olympics even though he is as German as Baron Davis is, he deserves to get some love from the fans as he will be a top 10 center this year.
Bonus Answer: That’s like asking if there is enough food in a Sizzler all-you-can-eat to satisfy Rosie O’Donnell or if there was enough johnson in the Houston 500 to satisfy Houston.
10. Golden Shower State Warriors
1. Can Stephen Jackson avoid the nutties for another whole year?
2. How good can Monta Ellis be?
3. Will Corey Maggette score over 30 points a game playing Nellie ball?
Answers:
1. Jackson is due for a blow up, especially without Baron Davis around to give the Warriors a semblance of competitiveness. Stephen Jackson makes chaos theory look predictable.
2. Monta Ellis is the evolution of the NBA. He is quicker than a virgin in bed with Kim Kardashian and smoother than Ms. Kardashian’s ample buttocks. If he hadn’t had that little run in with a moped, this would be a breakout year for him.
3. No, and that is only because Maggette is more fragile than Mel Gibson’s ego. If Maggette pays in over 60 games and averages more than 30 minutes a night, I will be shocked.
11. Minnesota TerribleWolves®
1. Is this the year Al “The Big Lazy” Jefferson becomes an all-star?
2. Does this team have the best sleeper potential in the NBA?
3. Should they have kept OJ Mayo instead of trading him for Kevin Love?
Answers:
1. No, and here are 6 reasons why: Dirk Nowitzki, Amare Stoudamire, Carlos Boozer, Kevin Durant, Tim Duncan, and David West.
2. Yes. Kevin McHale has actually done an ok job with this team except for two gaping big holes: 1. They don’t have a point guard and 2. Their defense has more holes in it than OJ’s alibi. Otherwise, they have shooters to spread the floor for Al Jefferson in Mike Miller and Rashad McCants, and they have some classic glue guys in Corey Brewer, Craig Smith, and Randy Foye. Add in the wild card of Kevin Love and there are the makings of a much better team than last year.
3. Yes. The TerribleWolves® really need a guard who can dominate the ball for them and Mayo has that kind of game. Love may turn out to be good, but a frontline of Love and Jefferson won’t even be able to stop Brian Scalabrine from scoring. They may have the worst front court defense in the history of the NBA in addition to not having a point guard, so yes, they should have held the Mayo.
12. Denver Nuggets:
1. They traded Camby for what?
2. Is JR Smith going to have a breakout year?
3. Will anyone take Iverson off their hands in mid-season?
Answers:
1. I believe they got a broken bicycle handlebar, two tickets to the Snow reunion tour, and a moldy zucchini. I don’t quite get how they could just give Camby away but it’s not like they don’t have a capable back-up. Oh wait, they don’t unless you count Nene “One Deez ” Hilario. This is going to be a long season in Denver.
2. Not a chance, and only because he is not very good and everyone is picking him for a break out year. The day he becomes a consistent player is the day the Three Six Mafia wins an Oscar, umm, scratch that.
3. Yes. The bold move era began last year and will continue for a bit. AI could really help a contending team with salary cap to blow.
13. Sacramento Kings
1. Is anyone still reading this?
2. Why are you still reading this?
3. Would AC ever let you down?
Answers:
1. Doubtful.
2. Hoping for links to hot chicks.
3. Of course not (link 1) and (link 2) and finally (link 3).
14. Memphis Grizzlies
1. What is the best Chris Wallace nickname?
2. Is Antoine Walker really on this team?
3. Should Barack Obama sit down with Hamed Haddadi without any pre-conditions?
Answers:
1. I am partial to “The Destroyer of Teams”
2. I believe the answer is yes, and for that we are all a little sad. How is it that ’Toine was washed up 3 years ago when he was only 29. If he does a wiggle after a Marc Gasol dunk, I think a little piece of me will die.
3. No. By signing an Iranian, Chris Wallace is stepping up his game from merely destroying a team to now destroying a country. Chris Wallace will soon find himself on the no fly list.
15. Oklahoma City
1. What do these places have in common: Siberia, Baghdad, and Philadelphia?
2. Do the Thunder have the worst front line in the history of the NBA?
3. What should the Oklahoma team have been named instead of the Thunder?
Answers:
1. They are the only cities/areas in the world worse than Oklahoma City
2, They are certainly in the running. Nick Collison, Chris Wilcox, Joe Smith, Johan Petro, Robert Swift, and Mouhamed Sene, are not far off from the late 1990s Celtics teams which featured Brett Szabo, Marty Conlon, Andrew DeClerq, Dwayne Schintzius, and Rick Pitino’s lost dignity.
3. I would have gone with the Oklahoma City “Sucks to Heres” but that’s just me.
So there you have it, the ninety most important questions and the predicted regular season finish for each team for this upcoming NBA season.
As for the Finals, the Celtics will miss James Posey too much when things get tough and will fall to the Cavaliers. In the West, the Lakers will survive a strong Whorenets team before falling to LeDong in the Championship round. That’s right, AC is going with the Cavs because this is LeDong’s world and we’re all just renting space from him.
FRIDAY NIGHT FREE NBA PICKS
Sacramento at Miami -6:
I know the Heat lost to the lowly Knicks on opening night but I also know the Kings lost to the even lowlier TerribleWolves®. Dwyane Wyane Wade is healthy and at home, Michael Beasley will be determined to play better after pulling a Randy White in his first game, and how about that Mario Chalmers (we don’t need no stinking NBA assimilation program)? The Kings could pound the Heat down low with Hawes and Jason Thompson who combined for about 90 rebounds on opening night, but there will be too much Wade for it to matter. Take the Heat and spend your winnings on a pair of sunglasses to let you discreetly ogle the young ladies in the thongs on the beach.
Chicago at Boston -8.5:
I know, this wreaks of a trap game worse than Paris Hilton’s lady parts wreak of AIDS, but still, the Celtics are World Champs. Boston defeated the Cavs on opening night despite getting little out of KG, Rondo getting into foul trouble, and Kendrick Perkins doing his best imitation of Chris Burke playing basketball. I fully expect KG to have a big night and Ray Allen to pick up his shooting. Add in that Chicago is starting a rookie point guard and is smaller up front than an Olsen twin and I think we have a blow out here. Just pay attention to Rondo who is about to make the leap.
Orlando -6 at Memphis:
Taking Orlando on the road is something I like to do about as much as Tony Allen likes not dribbling off of his foot, so buyer beware here. The Marc Gasol-Dwight Howard match-up bears watching as Gasol outplayed him in the Olympics this summer. That said, Memphis is just bad, even getting 6 points at home.
Denver at LA Clippers +2:
Carmelo Anthony is still out and being replaced by “The Big Sneeze” Linas Kleiza (gehsundheit), Baron Davis wants to redeem himself for his awful first game in LA (if the Clippers had been a child, someone would have surely called child protective services against the Lakers who spanked the Clippers vehemently), and the Nuggets don’t have the big men to stop Chris Kaman. Plus add in the Marcus Camby revenge factor (and I love the fact that he is already injured, so yes the revenge factor is joke, just in case the sarcasm didn’t come through) and the Clips should prevail.
SATURDAY FREE NBA PICKS
AC went 2-2 on opening night as the Magic blew a 10 point lead and the Clippers blew an 18 point half time lead (and remember, we were getting 2 with the Clips). So the moral of the story, as always, is never take the Clippers. Anyway, tonight we will win back the lost Vig so bet big, bet often, and bet the Clippers suck.
Boston -6 at Indiana:
The Celtics are just a machine right now. They have not let up one bit from last year’s intensity or last year’s playoff run. There is no way a team starting Rasho Nesterovic and Marquis Daniels is going to bother KG, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, and Rajon Rondo. Not a chance. Even if Mike Dunleavy is back, the Celtics are just too good. You never like taking the visiting team on the second of back to back nights on the road but the Celtics live for challenges. I am excited for a possible Roy Hibbert-Kendrick Perkins match-up as they have the combined basketball skills of a coffee table. Take the Celts and watch my boy Rajon Rondo,
Golden Shower State +5 at New Jersey:
I am breaking the golden rule twice now by taking another visiting team on the road in the second of back to back games but this time we are getting the points. I am on the cusp of issuing a new rule for the year which involves always taking the points against the Nets, but I’ll know more tomorrow. In the mean time, just hope Stephen Jackson didn’t stay out too late in NYC last night and hope the Warriors decide to play 4 minutes of defense.
Dallas -4.5 at Minnesota:
Yes, in my NBA preview I said the TerribleWolves® were the most likely big sleeper team this year, and yes, they won their first game, but Dallas needs a win here. The Mavericks dropped a game they should have won at home to Houston to open up the season and have to be pissed. New coach Rick Carlisle will slow the game down and double, triple, and quadruple team The Big Lazy, Al Jefferson. I don’t love this game, but sometimes you have to do things you ordinarily wouldn’t (like fat chicks). Take the Mavs and hope Jason Terry can get hot.
Memphis +8.5 at Chicago:
I watched the Bulls play the Celtics last night and let me tell you this, there is not an NBA team that can lose by more than 8.5 points to the Bulls right now. Again, I am taking the visiting team on the road in the second of back to back nights but the Bulls were just so unbelievably bad last night I feel like they should be relegated to the Big East. Tyrus Thomas shot 2-17, I don’t even have a joke for that. The easy pick here would just be to assume some reversion to the mean because the Bulls certainly aren’t going to shoot under 30% against the Grizzlies, but we are not mean reverters here anymore (read the Black Swan for more details or just look at the markets which apparently might not be Gaussian). I know Memphis is really a bad team, but when two terrible teams meet, always take 8.5 points. I mean Vinny Del Negro (no relation to noted Mexican rugby player Juan Negro) is coaching the Bulls and he couldn’t even beat out Reggie Theus or Dick Butkus to be the head coach on Hang Time.
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