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NCAA COLLEGE FOOTBALL PREVIEW - PRESEASON TOP 25:

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COLLEGE FOOTBALL PREVIEW 2004-2005

Yes it took awhile, Jiggy has long since started informing you on the No Fun League, rookies are bitching about how many millions they should get, agents are waking from their dark rest and slipping out of their coffins to gorge themselves on fat contracts. Meanwhile what am I doing? Just sipping a cerveza, pondering the what, the where’s, and the how’s of this crazy world. But enough about my own self-discovery.

It’s time again to empty out ones pockets, call a guy named Vito, or just log on and surf your way to your favorite off-shore casino. That’s right it’s college football season. Recruits are pulling into campus unloading their brand new Lexi (I can only assume that’s the plural of Lexus), making sure their bling is polished up and appropriately glittery. While the upperclassmen focus on school and making damn sure their tutors know which classes to attend for them. Ah yes the joys of a new season are upon us.

Parity seems to be the word of the day. Gone are the days of the top 25-35 teams brutalizing the other hapless 75 or so teams. Today it is more than likely you will turn on the TV, and see The University of Sammie Davis Jr. at Tulsa happily beating the snot out of Alabama. I’ve spent half my time over these last couple of years online, or peering into an atlas just trying to figure out where the hell half of these schools are. Now that I have their locations I intend to find out how many of them are actually accredited. Smart money puts the over/under at about 50%. The world’s been turned upside-down. Most pundits have perennial powerhouses Nebraska, Alabama, Penn State, UCLA, and Notre Dame ranked in the mid 50’s. Hell, Nebraska is going to run the spread and throw (well try to throw) all over the field. This is one of the signs of the Apocalypse, it’s right there in the good book, you can check. There is some question whether Miami’s Quarterback can throw, much less complete a forward pass. Did ya ever think you’d see the day? There are fortunately still teams that remain a cut above, LSU and USC last year and maybe OU before Jason White got hurt. But all three of those teams were dominated at one point during the season. LSU by the Gators, SC by Cal (they made it close but they got pimp slapped for a good portion of the game by a nothing offensive line), OU by K-State (that was an old fashioned ass-whipping no one saw coming), and then again in the big one by the Tigers. SC looked like the best team at the end of the season, and if Mike Williams returns they could well be the class of college football again. Without BMW, they look really susceptible while having to replace nearly their entire line, they also need to replace Udeze at DE, Colbert at WR (this guy was one the best number two receivers in the history of college football). Certainly not impossible but difficult, on the upside the Pac-10 is down his year with traditional powers UW and UCLA struggling to maintain their Division I standing, not there is anything wrong with Div. II or III. However, good as they are my preseason number one is……

1. Oklahoma.

Why? Because I love offensive lines and they bring back all of them. They still need a Tailback but they recruited one in wunderkind Adrian Peterson. If they can run and keep Jason White from spraining, breaking, infecting, or amputating anything he hasn’t already sprained, broken, infected or amputated they will play for another title, maybe even win it this time. Their defense will once again beat up, degrade, then urinate on most offenses. Fact is they were the best team for about eight or nine games, just the wrong ones. So with The Sooners happily atop the heap here are the top 25 for the preseason

2. USC

They recruited like champs, well they were champs so that makes a lot of sense. However they get the two spot more because the Pac-10 sucks this year then that they are so great. With BMW their offense should still be rolling, without him …. Well Leinart could always reconsider entering the draft. It’s hard to overlook that they have lost their entire line including potential all American Winny Justice who apparently can’t keep himself away from BB guns and hookers (I’m betting his favorite show is cops), potentially both starters at receiver and a third in Whitney Lewis who had star potential but can’t read, making him ineligible (god I love the term student athlete). Those issues plus a possible undisclosed druggy problem, that was rumored for a starter but hasn’t come out, aside SC has the talent and more importantly the schedule to make a run. The line could gel while playing a patsy out of conference schedule (maybe V-Tech puts up a struggle but I doubt it), they have the revenge factor and home field against CAL, UCLA will probably roll over for them again, and Notre Dame is a has been.

3. GEORGIA-

David Pollack, linebacker Odell Thurman and safety Thomas Davis make the Dawg D muy bueno. Greene and Shockey are the best quarterbacking tandem in the country. Gibson and Brown make life easy for them on the receiving end, and should Lumpkin continue to develop as a tailback things are looking groovy. The line which, to be polite, should have been shot like a lame horse after last year ought to be a good deal better. That’s of course the kicker, the line was young last year and got abused like a Mexican, Jewish, Black descendant of Ulysses S. Grant living in a small town in Georgia. But they are a year older and probably better…right? Well the Dawgs look awfully good on paper. The big issue is they play in the SEC where it’s damn near impossible to win all your games.

4. LSU

Had Matt Mauck not had to leave early for the NFL draft, where he was guaranteed by his agent to go no later that the 700th round, which is exactly where he went , LSU would get my #1. But he did so they ain’t. However Mauck does he receive my inaugural Best Dental Student who will never play a down in the NFL. The upside is he could have won this award next year as well, but he was clearly in a rush. Congrats Matt, keep drilling! So they lose the quarterback who couldn’t throw too dang good anyway. As long as whoever lines up behind center maintains a pulse and can fog a mirror with his breath they’ll be just fine. Iif the QB to be named can be taught to turn right and left and give the ball to uber-soph Justin Vincent that ought to be good for 9-10 wins. The receivers should be solid and could possibly be stellar if the freshman can contribute. The defense is pretty bad-ass (well it is) Marcus Spears is one mean SOB just ask all the Sooners who wasted all that time getting pre-fitted for those national championship rings they ended up not needing. Fear LSU, but remember they have a nasty schedule and have to play UGA and the Gators away from Death Valley.

5. FSU

Now most people would think I’m a damn fool to bet on Chris Rix, and I’m not stupid enough to say you’re flat wrong.. This guy has combined all the negative stereotypes from his birthplace in California and his adopted home in the deep South. He looks like a dumb surfer (note: he doesn’t surf though) he slept through a final at FSU (not that there’s nothing wrong with that except even at FSU you have to show up to the final in order to nap), he attended the Dukes of Hazard School of Style where he learned that “it’s not a nice car unless your number is painted on the door “(yes it’s true he does). But to prove his stupidity, as if you needed to. Last year he was caught using a handicapped tag and parking in a handicapped space. In a second, he was caught parking in a spot reserved for the elderly. How did he get caught you might ask. Refer back to Dem Dukes, the moron has his number on his car. So how can I can I have FSU in the top 5. Well even a blind squirrel finds a nut. This year’s official blind squirrel is young Chrissy Rix. He will do all the things he is supposed to do for once (I’m kidding of course, but he’ll screw up less) Oh yeah he also has a very good offensive line, two game-breakers at tailback, one all-world receiver, and the typical Mickey Andrews FSU defense, well known for criminal records, and beating up opposing offenses (not just their girlfriends, oh those wacky Criminoles). With all that in mind FSU has a shot at a title, but they are still in the hands of wonder-dummy. It’s very yin and yang.

6. TEXAS

Ah the Longhorns, those lovable losers, most talented team that will never win a national championship. Well not with coaching tard but recruiting guru Mack Brown. Well good news Texas is going to have great season. That’s right, they are going to righteously smash the holy hell out Rice, Baylor, and Kansas, get their regularly scheduled yearly ass kicking from the Sooners, and choke in a bowl game. They call the OU game “The Red River Shootout” I am still waiting for Texas to show up armed. This of course begs the age old question, if only one army shows up is it still a war. I’d spend more time on UT but you all know what will happen anyway. It’s like the new Star Wars Trilogy, it takes a long time, sucks, and you know how it ends.

7. MIAMI

You can’t have a top ten without everyone’s favorite group of convicts. Looking back up the page I realize without felons these teams are all in trouble, now that phrase stinks of irony. Well anyway thank God for the work release program. The fortunes of Canes are squarely affixed to the limp right throwing arm of Brock Berlin. The guy threw more picks than TDs last year and that was playing in the Little East, behind a great line. Without Kellen Winslow to make him look good...Oh yeah even Kellen Winslow couldn’t make him look good. The defense should be shiny, happy and dangerous, but there is no way you lose Wilfork, Taylor, Vilma, and Willliams and still be the top defense in the country…. But don’t we say that every year about Miami. The Canes are good enough to make noise but not good enough to win a title. I’d also like to take a moment to congratulate Willie Williams, Miami’s top linebacker recruit. This Renaissance man enters this institution of higher learning with a record 10 previous arrests, and picked up 3 convictions while on his recruiting trip, all new Miami records. Kudos to you Willy.

8. MICHIGAN

Last time we saw the Wolverines they were being trounced by USC in the Rose Bowl. Their second whipping of the season from the Pac-10 (that’s gotta sting Big-10 fans something fierce). But fear not Wolverine fans John Navarre is gone. The guy was fine as long as it wasn’t a big game or the pressure was on. If you need someone to talk to about big game issues I’m sure Texas fans can commiserate, or perhaps offer a psychiatric referral. God knows if Gutierrez will be any better, but at least it’ll be different. The Big Ten is a little down and has been for several years, this is one of the reasons OSU has a ring. The Wolverines had the same opportunity last year, and choked it up. Losing to a very average Oregon team, a good Iowa team and looking like they didn’t belong on the same field as SC. They get the same opportunity this year. The Big Ten is good but not elite again, and the Wolverines have more talent than anyone else in the conference. They sport great receivers, solid lines, and a dynamic group of DBs (too bad this conference believes the forward pass is an option not a necessity). Don’t worry, another good season for UM but no ring.

9. OHIO STATE

The team that brought boring back to college football. You name the team the Buckeyes can beat them 6-3 on a late field goal, overtime optional. Their offense is so painful to watch I find myself watching Gigli with Ben and J-Lo just to soothe my frayed nerves. So why a top ten spot you ask? Well they do play great “D” (and they choke you, now that’s defense) and mostly can stay in any game because of it. Combine that with the questionable strength of the Medium Sized Ten, and Buckeyes prodigious reputation (like it or not rankers love prestige) hence a top ten spot. No hope of a national championship, but a chance at the Big Ten title and a potential SC ass-whipping in the Rose Bowl. All of this with #1 Buckeye Superfan Mo Clarrett watching from his agent’s house (that poor agent has got to be tired tossing cash at that kid…sigh just one more year).

10. KANSAS STATE

K-sate whooped the crap out of the Sooners in the Big XII Championship Game. Can they replace Roberson at QB? Probably, option quarterbacks are a dime a dozen. This guy basically has to hand off to Sproles, then hand off to Sproles, and for the big finally hand off to Sproles. Do that three times in a row and you may well score. When you combine Sproles with a bunch of meatheads who couldn’t get that elusive 800 on their SATs to go to a good school you have a very good team. Admittedly though one that needs a truly elite career councilor (“now hold on kids you can’t all be janitors”). K-state also, as per the usual, has scheduled the dregs of college football for their non-conference schedule. Western Kentucky, Fresno State, Louisiana-Lafayette all storm into the Wildcats house with upset on their mind. Okay maybe Fresno State has upset on their mind the other two schools are just looking for some spending cash, and a pat on the head.

11. WEST VIRGINIA

Mountain mama, take me home, take home, to the Big East where I belong, West Virginia, BCS bound, decent talent, take me home (God, I love that song). “Hey Mountaineers, let’s drink some beers” with a cheer like that how can they not carve out a place in your heart.

12. FLORIDA

Ranking dependent on parole hearings, grand juries, and pending criminal complaints for UF’s defense. But it is Florida. Odds are they’ll not only get off but win citizenship awards to boot. I love the SEC, where if you’re not cheating you’re not trying.

13. AUBURN

I stuck this worthless pile of a team in my top ten last year, with the caveat that I thought it was a

potential mistake. I am putting them in the Texas pile now, too much talent for even a lousy coach to screw up. What can I tell you I do love the Cadillac. Run Caddy run.

14. MISSOURI

Decent team. At this spot because the Big XII North is awfully average this year. Chock up losses to Texas (though Mack Brown could coach Mizzou right back into this game), and K-State (they come close but no cigar). With some luck, prayer, and decent o-line play this team could get 10 wins.

15. CALIFORNIA

Yes the Gay by the Bay (is that politically correct?) has a top 25 team. The vaunted Trojan killers could be a force in the emasculated Pac-10. But they have question marks on the line and the defense is average at best. The theory here is someone has to come in second in the Pac-1 ½ (yes 1 ½ because there is only one good team, Cal and Oregon make up the half)

16. TENNESSEE

If the Vols find a QB, they are pretty dangerous. I have nothing funny to say about a team that dresses like highlighters, it’s just sad.

17. UTAH

I like Urban Meyer and they throw the ball a lot which is fun, yawn, yeah there a good team… This team is a lot like the state of Utah, couple of highlights then duller than watching the exclusive Spanish simulcast of the handicapped part of the Boston Marathon, without commercial interruption.

18. MARYLAND

Coach Ralph Friedgen the lovable Homer Simpson (mmmm pork chops) of football is back to lead the Terps to another bowl game. The walking billboard for clogged arteries will likely start fast (not a phrase oft heard around Ralph) but has some nasty road games at the end of the year which will slide them back down the polls like fat off bacon. MMMM bacon.

19. CLEMSON

Baby Bowden might be all grownz up. Lots of starters back from the team that thrashed FSU and Tennessee. The ACC might be a little too tough for the Tigers to win. Tommy’s Pa

Bobby B was heard to say after last years game “that ungrateful little s***, when he gets home he is going to move his ass out of the basement and get his own place.” This of course in coaching as well as real life is the sign you have come of age.

20. IOWA

Could be better than this ranking, but too many questions. Two starters return on offense which is not encouraging. Defense will make them competitive, the question is how competitive. Remember though there is no better place to train than in Iowa, because what the hell else are you going to do other drink yourself to death.

21. VIRGINIA

They need a QB, but so do half of the other teams in the top 25, they look strong everywhere else though. Al Groh should be a success. He’s is after all another NFL retread in college ball. Bottom line if Pete Carroll, who stank up Boston’s back bay before they booted him, can be a success why not Groh.

22. TCU

A good team that came a heartbeat away from pooping on the entire BCS system. So why not again? Best of all they don’t have to play anybody. A lot of people would say they can’t my Fighting Irish, or my Gamecocks could whip those Texas weenies. Ya know what? It don’t matter none because they don’t have to play them. All they have to do is smack around Conference USA, and there high school teams that could that.

23. OREGON

The Duckies could be good, some decent QB and DB play and they could battle CAL for a trip to San Diego. The Ducks have one of my favorite coaches Defensive Coordinator Nick Allioti. He believes you can and should only play man coverage. So for three years Duck DBs get smoked like premium hash (you know the really sticky stuff… or so I hear) then for one year he looks great because these kids after three brutal years are old enough, strong enough, and fast enough to play man all the time. The next year the cycle repeats itself, and he is still employed. Sir, my hat is off to you, so little work for such a large check.

24. NC STATE

After Rivers left you thought they were washed up didn’t ya? Well guess what the Pack is back. The is in the fact they give me headaches in NCAA 2005, but that’s another story for a different time. If Jay Davis can adequately man the QB spot this team is a threat to everybody. The schedule though is too tough for any championship delusions. Who schedules Ohio State, Miami, and FSU in a season? Ouchie.

25. WISCONSIN

This a decent team that will ruin someone’s season just like they always do. They will finish in the middle of the Big-10, and will be forced to remain 2,000 miles away from the Rose Bowl from October on. It’s almost like after their last Rose Bowl victory in 1999 they were issued a restraining order by the city of Pasadena.

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