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DJ'S FREE WEEKLY COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICKS
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DJ's Football Picks Season Record
Wins: 0| Losses: 0| Ties: 0
NCAA Picks Winning Percentage: %
Record updated Mondays
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NCAA COLLEGE FOOTBALL FREE PICKS:
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DJ'S 2006 PRE-SEASON COLLEGE FOOTBALL TOP 25
1. OHIO STATE- Is this the year that the Buckeyes stop boring the shit out of me? I doubt it, but they do win. Just can’t see them winning a title replacing an entire defense. But they get to start the year at #1 so… yeah team.
2. USC- Lots of talent and depth. Defense should be better after ending last year looking like they were employed by Vince Young as bodyguards. Notably, getting rid of safeties Bing and Ware should help — those two had the ball skills of a blind, deaf, slightly retarded Bangkok hooker. (Though if you ever have the means they’re worth a shot for the story if nothing else.) If Booty can be the first QB in his family not to suck, Chauncey Washington can learn to read and if Petey C can’t keep his boys from spending time in the pokey for “youthful indiscretions”, there’s no reason they don’t have a shot at another title.
3. NOTRE DAME- How do you know ND is officially back? Mostly because Irish fans won’t shut the hell up for more than about a second. Opposing fans can (and do) make fun of the fact that Weiss is a tub o’ lard blessed with a face that might make his own mother gouge out her eyes. However, he is the best offensive mind in football, at any level. Based on that alone I might let him touch me where my bathing suit covers.
4. WEST VIRGINIA- Putting aside the lack of teeth and sister marrying, West Virginia is a heartbeat away from Heaven. Okay, maybe not but they do have a good football team. Whenever anybody thinks they will do well they always flop, so I’m not holding my breath. I realize disparaging comments like these mean I will have to avoid visiting West Virginia and mingling with their fans for the entire year… aw well, c’est la vie.
5. TEXAS- Since Mack Brown won multiple big games last year, it’s safe to say we have entered the End Of Days. Everybody needs to get right with Jesus — and quick.
6. LSU- Sick freaky athletes and a QB whose throwing motion and accuracy roughly resembles that of a catapult (for those not in the know catapults are not very accurate) get you to a good bowl, but no title.
7. CAL- There’s nothing funny about Tedford having that much talent on offense. It’s kind of like finding a handwritten note from Michael Jackson to your child — scary and more than a little disconcerting. With a little luck they could knock off SC, and find themselves in a BCS bowl. Of course none of this changes the fact that they are all a bunch of America hating, pot smoking, hippy pole smokers.
8. MIAMI- Who took the O out of Miami? Funny part is you could seriously confuse some of the crack “student” athletes at UM with that dilly-of-a-pickle. Favorite off season story was definitely the Cane who got shot in the ass. That’s good stuff, but even better was that his teammate returned fire. Now that’s Canes football! The team that plays together invades together. It’s gotta hurt that they’re now the USC of the east coast.
9. AUBURN- They are like the Paris Hilton of college football; a lot of press, I’m supposed to watch and I just can’t bring myself to give a rat’s ass.*
*Side note: The Paris sex tape is an exception to the above rule. Just to be clear though I’m definitely not interested in the Auburn team’s sex tape. Seriously that’s just sick.
10. FLORIDA- Urban Meyer said he won’t use a tailback if he can’t find one who can do the job. He’s serious, he would totally do it. No tailback…God that makes me hard.
11. LOUISVILLE- They are very good, I just have trouble getting excited about anything in Louisville. Maybe if their cheerleaders were caught doing something illicit and hedonistic we could find some common ground. Just a suggestion — no pressure — but please remember a picture can sometimes speak more eloquently than any book.
12. TENNESSEE- If Ainge has grown a brain in the last several months then they have some hope. I’m very impressed with the lack of arrests this year (or possibly the proliferation of cover-ups). Either way, no convictions, so I’m excited for them. Erstwhile Miami LB and felon Willie Williams apparently tried to join the squad but was turned down. What in God’s name have you done if the Vols won’t take you? They would give Stalin a scholie if he ran a 4.4.
13. FLORIDA STATE- I keep hoping Bobby Bowden wakes up and realizes that FSU is going down the toilet. Bobby — does the name Nero mean anything to you?
14. MICHIGAN- The Wolverines… the team that invented then perfected upper level mediocrity. We’re good, but don’t be scared, we’re not that good. Another fatally flawed Michigan team with the same fatally flawed schmuck of a coach. Upside, they still have very cool helmets.
15. GEORGIA- At least this year they don’t have to worry about blowing a shot at the National Championship, which must be quite a relief.
16. VIRGINIA TECH- Beamer is the best badly burned coach in the business. They’re not a real threat, but as long as they are called The Hokies (i.e a large and not particularly dangerous turkey) they will always have a spot in my top 25.
17. CLEMSON- We danced this dance before. I think they might be good…they are pretty good…damn these guys can ball…oh never mind, my bad, they still suck.
18. IOWA- I tried to find a famous quote about Iowa. Other than a line from Kevin Costner in Field of Dreams (and no it doesn’t count) there was nothing. I’m starting to believe that nothing has ever happened in Iowa and probably never will.
19. OREGON- The Ducks will once again be the worst dressed team in the country. It’s almost like Phil Knight and some of his drunken Nike buddies keep playing a fraternity prank on their alma mater. “There’s no way they’ll actually wear that crap will they…?”
20. PENN STATE- Proving to us all that just because you wear adult diapers doesn’t mean you can’t play in a BCS bowl game. Kudos Joe Pa.
21. ALABAMA- Hawaii, Duke, La Monroe, Florida International... Wow. Not afraid to step up and play the big boys, are they? They are in the top 25 only because a brain dead, paraplegic, disease-infested crack whore with a stutter could coach Bama to wins in those games.
22. OKLAHOMA- A booster was paying big time college players ridiculous amounts of money for work they didn’t do? What kind of a world do we live in? Next you’ll tell me Mel Gibson is an alcoholic anti-Semitic douche bag. Christ I thought these kids were there to get an education. The horror!
23. ARIZONA STATE- With two great QBs — whoops, make that one great QB — they will definitely put up a lot of points. The real question is whether the Sun Devil’s defense can get over what appears to be a terminal case of vaginitis.
24. UCLA- They had no defense and now they have no offense as well, right? Probably, but for some reason they have hope and I refuse to be the guy to extinguish it. It would be like kicking a kitten.
25. NORTHWESTERN- This should be a tribute ranking for the untimely death of Coach Randy Walker, but more really it’s because I’m doing the unholiest of unholies to a lovely young lady who went there. So just remember, if you’re at a school with a poor football team, have loose morals, and are extremely flexible, a top 25 ranking is just a shameful memory away.
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