1. USC - The best paid players in the game today are #1 as they should be. I wonder if the pay cut they take in the NFL irritates them. Why won’t that pesky Reggie Bush scandal go away? It’s like a nasty case of syphilis…or at least what I would assume syphilis is like, not that I’ve ever had it or anything.
2. LSU- Head coach Les Miles spent most of the off-season ripping the PAC-10 as a soft, pass first conference, that was in no way comparable to the SEC. I agree with Les, the forward pass will catch on about the same time as those horseless carriages thingies I’m always hearing about. By the way what has this clown done? He was an average coach at OSU. He then inherited Paris Hilton style riches from Nick Saban and has done about as much as Paris has with them. Okay he’s not a huge coke whore, but other than that the similarities are striking (note: I have also never seen Les have sex on tape…okay maybe I did once, never mind)
3. West Virginia- West Virginia, who’s most recent state achievement included ranking in the top 5 for Oxycotton abuse (that’s Hillbilly Heroin to you Jimmy-John-Jack), while not quite hitting the top 5 in adult literacy. I guess it is true, you really can’t have it all. I thoroughly expect this team to disappoint me, they always do, great players great coach but no title shot so far. This team needs to put a complete season together almost as badly as their fans need this column spelled out phonetically.
4. Oklahoma- A nasty D and QB that didn’t spend his summer actively trying to get the school on probation should equal a BCS berth. Only downside is he might have to hire his brother back after he gets shit-canned at Arizona. Could make for a good sitcom- the successful brother and the gigantic failure brother (who’s probably slightly retarded)…but here’s the hook…They live together!!!
Bob: I have to get to work, we have practice.
Mike: You always work, I hate it! You know I could totally coach if I wanted to.
Bob: Of course you could Mikey, of course you could, now eat your strained peas like a big boy.
Can you say Emmy award?
5. Florida- With the traditional “we won the National Championship” arrests in the rearview mirror, the Gators can focus on working on repeating and attending regular meetings with their respective parole officers. Remember guys once a week and don’t be late. When will college athletes learn they are not above the law? That behavior is reserved for elected officials. I expect this year Meyer will continue to confuse his SEC brethren by throwing the ball. Look it’s a bird, its plane…no jackass it’s a football and the forward pass has been legal since 1906. But maybe you’re right the old way is better.
6. Wisconsin- The top ranked team in the house of cards that is the big-10. In Sesame Street terms, the big-10 (I’ll capitalize the “b” when they’ve earned it) would be brought to you by the words “overrated,” and “pathetic,” and the number 1 (which is how many bowl wins are coming from this conference).
7. Texas- How can one not rank a team that has a guy named Colt McCoy as QB in the south no less. It just begs people to say things like, “Ole Colt’ll get her done” or “shoot that’s Colt McCoy, best gun in whole dang state of Texas.” I apologize to those who don’t habla redneck, suffice to say it’s a real a dandy of a rural name. Take that along with some pretty good receivers and a decent defense and there is no reason not to talk national title, that is, right up until they get corn-holed by Oklahoma.
8. Cal- That’s right hippy haters the battling bears are in the top 10, and this year they might even deserve it. After spanking Tennessee, they can basically take a break and wait to play USC. I just can’t get over how pissed off Tennessee fans must be about that game. To get beat by a Pac-10 team is bad enough, but to lose to a team that has hippies camping out in the trees, literally! They must feel like someone stole their truck, bent their gun rack, and pissed on their dog.
9. Ohio State- It isn’t fun or interesting football to watch, but it does work (except against Florida of course). Tressel just keeps winning. Sure it helps that the out of conference opponents are Youngstown State, Akron, Kent State, and an away thriller with 9th place Pac-10 finisher Washington. And people say the SEC scheduled soft. Why not give up the charade and just play the local high school teams.
10. Rutgers- Jersey pride! I’m kidding of course, nobody is really proud of Jersey. Forget Coach of the Year, Greg Schiano sold kids on living in Jersey and turned them into a Top 25 team! This guy should get a Nobel prize and be considered a leading candidate to be the messiah.
11. Oregon- You should just write this one in pencil. This ranking is about as likely to last as Justin Timberlake’s ass cherry in the county jail (they like the puuurty boys best). Ugly Ass Uniform U always chokes down the stretch.
12. Clemson- Yes I love to be disappointed. How long will it last a week? Two weeks? Probably they can hold off until a nail biting loss to Central Michigan followed by an ass up against Duke. Bottom line, betting on Clemson is like tipping a stripper after a lap dance…pointless.
13. V-tech- Just realized I ranked them 13th ... Like that place needs more bad luck. However if I have to hear ESPN telling me about the healing value of football one more time I’m going to vomit up my lunchables (they’re tiny but delicious).
14. Boston College-I love BC every year they are good but not too good. It’s like dating a guy with a ponytail, you know there’s no real danger.
15. Kentucky- Great offense no defense. That should make it interesting if nothing else, and in Kentucky I imagine you take what you can get.
16. South Carolina- Uh-oh Spurrier is back. Spitting, cursing, and throwing his visor. Let’s just be honest I have a huge man crush on that wacky southerner. I am actually going to email him and see if he would be willing to not only attend my wedding but also perform the ceremony, and depending on how the evening goes, maybe even take a turn on the wife. We don’t want to waste any of that offensive genius sperm.
17. Georgia- At least the Dawgs got any national championship talk out of the way early. Richt’s teams remind me a lot of Florida and LSU just without the all the wins, and annoying BCS bowls.
18. Hawaii- Actually Colt Brennan and the 10 stooges. Two QBs named Colt in the same year? It feels like Christmas everyday. And in my heart they will always be the Rainbow Warriors, but not in a gay way.
19. Arizona State- Could the hire of Dennis Erickson mean that ASU won’t just be known for hot chicks and low IQs anymore? Fingers crossed we never reach that day.
20. Penn State- It’s always tense to watch a Penn State game. Any second JoePa could finally keel over and go coach the great football game in the sky. Keeps me on the edge of my seat (it’s about the only thing in the big-10 that does these days).
21. UCLA- Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the dullest coach of them all. If you answered Karl Dorell have a lollipop you nailed it. This guy could make lesbian porn boring.
22. Missouri- Sure they haven’t played anyone yet (which is weird because they are not in the SEC) but the Tigers are battling hard to win the junior division of the medium-sized-12, and get cranked by Oklahoma.
23. South Florida- The Bulls vs. Hawaii is my dream BCS game. The Battle on Beach, I love it. I have nothing more to say because like the rest of country I don’t know dick about this school or its football team.
24. Alabama- Under the heading of “uh-oh happy learned to putt.” Bama got a coach. Shula can now go hang out with Jeff “shit-for-brains” Bowden, and learn to whittle while they argue over who was less qualified to coach.
25. Miami- New coach Randy Shannon has brought new discipline to the U. 2 Felonies = no pudding, no exceptions. Love their new attitude and motto “unarmed in ’07.” Though I do yearn for the days when they were the best armed team/militia in the land.
25 (Honorary). Appalachian State- Sure they lost to a tough Wofford squad, but almost a month later this still cracks me up. In the big house? Hysterical. I want my children to attend this institute for higher learning. http://youtube.com/watch?v=pVENWl8uBeg
I dare anybody to make a better commercial for under $40.
Others not worthy of a ranking but definitely worthy of derision.
Notre Dame- Weiss is praying for another priest pedophile scandal, might be the only hope he has.
Michigan- Only the most embarrassing loss in the history of Division I football. Kudos Lloyd Carr they sure as hell weren’t going to remember you, but now they have no choice.
Louisville-2nd best in Kentucky…that kinda says it all.
