So I just got back from Memphis, Tennessee. It was an eye-opening trip for me. First of all, I want to explain my preconception of the place. I thought that it would be filled with stupid southerners, ugly people, crappy weather, terrible food and a hopeless love of the ‘oh so pathetic’ Titans. And you know what, I was wrong. The food was great. [I would recommend the Rendezvous and Neely’s Interstate BBQ.]

These poor towns across our country, what a plight they face. In the middle of the vast USofA they cling to former economic strength. Memphis used to be a major trade crossroads. The railroads criss-cross the Mississippi river in a town that had its economic hey day in the early part of the last century. And now small, old houses dot an almost wasteland.

So it makes sense that something as mundane as the Titans winning a football game would cause such joy. I was driving around and some significant percentage of homes had Titans flags or Mcnair jerseys prominently displayed. And all the ownership of the Titans can do for these desperate folks is roll out Jeff ‘short bus’ Fisher and Steve ‘really, its time to start using duct tape to hold my limbs together’ Mcnair. I wanted to hug each and every one of these people (I actually only wanted to hold a very small number of these people, specifically, they couple of smoking hot young ladies we saw at the U of Memphis and a couple of women that we –as always, the Doctor joined me on this foray in to the Bible Belt – saw at BB Kings. These ladies were trying to woo a couple of young men by pretending to be lesbians, dancing suggestively and pawing one another – and I am never one to call someone gay or not – but if these ladies weren’t real, live, lipstick smearing, lace thong-wearing, sweet smelling lesbos, then they were close enough for government work.) So, as I was saying I wanted to embrace these people and explain to them that the glory of football wagering allows us to forget about the Titans winning or losing. Rather, we can let the bookies and sportsbooks make the game fair and make the outcome so much more interesting.

So the next time you hear someone belittling gambling or speaking ill of the effects of casinos, I want you to tell them about Memphis, about Indianapolis, about Green Bay, about Pittsburgh. I want you to tell those people that our bookmakers allow the residents of those teams to avoid suicide for another couple of weeks. Those bookmakers bring hope. And for that, we love them.

I wasn’t going to mention the whole Brandon ‘Tina’ K thing – but I suppose all of my millions of fans deserve some sort of clarification. In order to so, I want to offer the following story.

As the fans already know, I attended Harvard High School. I was, in every sense of the word, a gutty Saracen. As a member of the ‘near-CIF-qualifying’ Saracens, I worked hard to defeat our arch rivals. All off season, in the weight room I would picture the guys at Crespi [http://www.crespi.org/main_news_page.htm] working their own off season routines. And I would work all the harder. When I felt sick to my stomach whilst running sprints during 3-a-days in the hot summer smog of the San Fernando Valley, I would think of those obnoxious brown uniforms and the sneers of their fans. Sure, they had Russel White, Randy Cross, Christian Fauria and Shaun Williams in their pantheon of alums, we had Bob Scanlan [http://www.baseball-almanac.com/players/player.php?p=scanlbo01].

And every year the whole school would be abuzz during Crespi week.

Years later, I met someone that went to Crespi and played ball there. I asked him about the big games against Harvard. You know what he said? He said (and I am quoting here) “did we play Harvard?”

The point is that I am Crespi and Brandon ‘Tina’ K is Harvard (without the high educational standards or the senior swing.) So I am glad that he is gone- I didn’t really have too much to do with it. I think he is a pathetic person and I hope he moves to Memphis one day.

Now, back to the NFL…

I will keep this short and lump a few teams together, Detroit, San Francisco, Tennessee and KC you should all find some form of orally ingestible poison and take it. After last week and your inspiring defeats, you have lost your right to live on this planet. Please leave.

On the other side we have Pitt, Philly, New England. Nice work chumps. You should all be proud. As proud as DJ when he hooks up with the ugliest girl at a party – sure it is a hook up, but it is also a lay-up.

The picks…