JIGGY'S FREE NFL FOOTBALL PICKS

NFL Forecast & Week 6 Free Football Picks

This week’s column was going to be a screed against Coach Fisher of the Tenny Titans. It would have begun something like this

Coach Fisher,

You suck. No really, you do. I know that your fans and your friends won’t tell you, but I will. And you know what else, you don’t suck because you are evil, you don’t suck because you are ugly (despite the fact that you are) you suck because you are stupid…

But then I went to look at his record and I was shocked that he has more wins than losses. So I decided not to write the letter. [Editorial note: I still believe all of those things, but I don’t feel that I have amassed quite enough evidence yet to write the definitive ‘you suck’ letter… but my time shall come.] I mean, one could argue that with Stevie McNair (who may or may not be bionic http://www.crazyabouttv.com/sixmilliondollarman.html) and Eddie George from THE Ohio State University, anyone could get a few wins, but then you through in the Freak, Jevon Kearse and all of the sudden you can’t attribute wins to anything the coach is doing. But I am not going to base my methodology on his record, but rather on a few plays in the Monday Night Game. Let me set the scene.

I had money on the Pack – I was a Packer Backer. And I was at the brig, sweating, as I had just finished at the gym. I actually teased the pack and the over. So when Chris Brown (from where? The University of Colorado – where date rape isn’t a problem, it is a way of life) went ballistic and took advantage of the pathetic (and I use that word with great zeal) GB defense, I was OK. My pain was dulled by the 33 gin and tonics that came to the table during the game and the parade of lovely young and middle aged and yes, even old women that walked by the table – each one had a little more plastic surgery than the next and smaller clothing. So how could my night really be ruined?

Two things ruined my evening the first was Brett Favre. It is really cute how he isn’t even fazed when he throws a pic. He flashes his Mississippi smile, says aw shucks and expects me to forget about it – I won’t. Would it kill the guy to look down field before he throws one of his 60+ mph turnovers?

The second is that I am not a coach in the NFL. I watched Jeffy Fisher and I know I should be. Let’s go over the two plays that really are gems. The first is the wide receiver pass that he throws up by two touchdowns with little time left on the clock. How on Earth does he have the gall to call that play? Hey stupid, run the clock out – you are ahead and you are on national tv – just win. This isn’t college, you don’t move up in the AP poll by pouring on the points. And I know that Drew was a QB from where? The UCLA. But come on man that is just stupid. You are like the guy at the black jack table that stays on 12 against a 10 and has the dealer bust and then prances around talking about what a stud you are when you made the WRONG play.

But the real cake goes to the fourth and inches call you made (again I think you were up two TDs). The game is essentially won, your QB, your all-world QB, the one that keeps you in a job, could barely practice this week because of his injured sternum and couldn’t play last week (and one could argue that is why you got trounced by the lowly Bolts) because of that same injury is still in the game – why I have no idea. I would trot out Drew Bennet at Q without another viable back up. And with Mr. McNair in, what do you call? A QB sneak. I almost passed out. I wished that he hurt. Not because I wish Stevie any ill will – but it is the same desire as when you see someone running with scissors and you want them to get hurt so that they realize what there were doing was stupid.

But alas, the whole thing worked out for you. You are still a meat head and I am comfortable saying that you won’t win this year. Good riddance.

Other news in the league –

Attention Niners, please enjoy your big win. The Niners win the ‘making it look hard’ award. You beat the Cardinals. Everyone beats the Cards – let’s not break out the Dom just yet. Go get another win – or better yet, try and cover one spread. And I know that is less likely without the franchise LB, Julian. What a great game, what a disastrous season still to come.

On the other side, the Lambs stole one from the Seagulls. Who knew? I still think Maritz is an idiot. (I am starting to realize that I like very few coaches – it would figure since I like very few people).

Minny’s offense is really, really good.

Aaron Brooks is going to be hanging with Rick Williams if he doesn’t get his act together.

To the chargers, I can only say this, ‘Shazam.’

On to the free nfl picks…

(but before I get to them – I went three and one this week and my competitor owes me his sister.)

KC @ Jax – Jacksonville Jaguars +2

KC was having an out of body experience when they beat the Ravens. The Jax lost to the chargers last week. Look for the planets to resume their normal orbits. The homefield and the REALLY stout defense (thanks john madden for the definition) of the Jax send them to a tight win. And priest homes is still a carlton wannabe (http://www.tvtome.com/tvtome/servlet/PersonDetail/personid-4511).

Minny @ NO – Minnesota Vikings –3.5

See above comments about Aaron Brooks and the Minny offense. So long as they play in a dome, they go bananas. Not Dror Bananas, but Chiuita Bananas. Take the Vikes. Let it be mentioned here that if Nate ‘the woodsman’ Burleson catches a touchdown again this week it will be a sign of the apocalypse or the coming of the messiah, depending on which alter you pray at.

Gulls @ Pats – Hoodies (New England Patriots) -4

"ANNIE

He won't make love to me anymore.

CRASH

And he's right! A ballplayer on a streak has to respect the streak. They don't happen very often. You know how hard this game is? If you believe you're playing well because you're getting laid or because you're not getting laid or because you wore red silk panties--then you are! And I still think Thomas Pynchon is full of shit." Reprinted courtesy of Bull Durham & Co.

The point is that you can keep on winning on a streak, but you can only lose once. Think about that. Take the Pats at home.

NFL Lock of the Week Editorial Note: There are no longer locks of the week – only vague feelings of surety-

Denny @ Oaky – Denver Broncos -2

There really aren’t words for how badly kerry Collins sucks. So it is time that we all made money off of his misfortune. And I like Coach Shannnnnnahaaaannnn (contradicting my earlier self-loathing due to overt coach hating.)

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