Play-Off Time is Here

As Ray Charles once said, ‘it’s crying time again.’ Or in the case of the NFL (and the Manning family) its playoff time.

This is the time that many NFL fans live for – or at least the ridiculous ones. The playoffs don’t do anything for me except decrease the number of bets (and consequently the amount of money) I can make during the weekends. But I suppose it is somewhat interesting to watch for the tell tale signs of January.

The two-bit announcers will blather on about homefield advantage (especially for the cold weather teams). Those same announcers will regale us with which teams ‘backed into the playoffs’ and ‘neglected to set the tone for winning.’ We’ll experience idiotic coaching decisions by Mike Martz and Herm Edwards. We’ll watch the Vikings fold and we’ll watch Manning choke. We’ll see Belichecky showing why he has won it twice in the last three years. I suppose that it won’t be all bad.

Now I know that there are countless all-star, all-pro, all-conference teams, picks and awards. But because Jiggy is far too jaded to enjoy them, I (he? Who knows how to effectively switch between first and third person really?) am going to go with the ANAL (absolute nincompoops and losers) Awards.

Starting with the NFC West –

Worst Receiver: Rashaun Woods (SF) – How are you going to be the number one draft pick of the pass-happy 49ers, replacing their two top receivers (T.O. and Tai ‘don’t call me Sanjay Beach’ Streets) and only pick up 7 catches? Really? This is ridiculous. I suppose I could blame the coaches, I could blame the QBs but I am going to blame Rashaun. The good lord gave you a chance to be The Guy in San Francisco (please refrain from employing lucky Pierre jokes here) and all you did was blow. (In light of that final sentence, perhaps he was The Man in SF – just not on the niners.)

Worst Running Back: Troy Hambrick (AZ) – Troy comes to town after being the starter in Dallas. Keep in mind fellow fans, the big D put up many wins and made the playoffs the year that Troy was the starting half back. Fast forward to this year. You are fighting for the starting job with someone who was born during the depression (Emmit). You are on a team in dire need of consistency at the running back position. And what do you do? You don’t win the starting job and then proceed to put up a whopping 283 yards and one touch down. Nice work. Way to take advantage of an opportunity. Perhaps we can sell you for dog food.

Worst QB: Ken Dorsey (SF) - This one was particularly hard to pick. There are so many great choices. Part of me desperately wanted to go with Chris Chandler. But how can you rip on the gutty 62 year old? Part of me also wanted to go with Tim Rattay – but he just didn’t really suck to the level and degree that merits an ANAL award. There was also Josh McCown and the equally shitty, Shaun King. And then there was John Navarre… tsk tsk. I feel like a fat kid at an all you can eat donut buffet, or a rich, suave, handicapper at the AVN awards (odd, why would I feel that way?) or Peyton Manning at the national glory hole (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=glory+hole&r=f) championships. Shaun managed a qb rating of 57 which is really marginal but that was topped by John Navarre who got a 25 rating. I think that is the equivalent to getting a 300 on the SATs. Please keep in mind that one gets 200 for inputting ones name correctly and points are not deducted for wrong answers. A 300 in the SAT is virtually statistically impossible to achieve. Ken Dorsey is our winner. He deserves the ANAL award. He managed to post only one win this season and that was against the aforementioned Josh McCown. But what really makes him ANAL material is his ability to bitch and complain. When he wasn’t drafted higher, despite his great winning percentage at Miami, he was angry and told everyone. This is an important point for everyone out there and especially Ken Dorsey to hear – Kenny, I, ‘Jiggy Saucisson Fellatio Alger Tutankammin Doughnuts III’ could have won eight games a season at Miami. So shut the eff up. Ken, you are terrible and I cannot wait until you move on to some other career.

Worst Defense: Seattle – Surprisingly, the Lambs don’t take this one. The Seattle Chickens managed to give up more yards and almost the same number of points. What is interesting here is that the Niners gave up the most points in the NFC. But one has to remember that they had an extremely potent offense led by Rashaun Woods and Ken Dorsey.

Worst Coach: Dennis Erickson (SF) – this needs no further exegesis.

This is a letter from Denise and John York to the Fans of the niners. Normally I would just put a link here – but I want all of the people out there to understand how shitty Dennise Erickson was…

“There has been a great deal of talk about the poor performance of the San Francisco 49ers. Obviously, this season has been a tremendous disappointment for our players, our coaches, our fans, our employees and our family. We, as owners, appreciate the effort put forth week in, week out by everyone in the organization.

Yet, no one expected a 2-14 season. We understand that this is unacceptable to you. We need you to know that this is equally unacceptable to us.

Some have said that we won't make the commitment or do what it takes to field a winning team, while others have criticized our methods. Although some of the decisions we've made haven't worked out the way we had hoped, we are steadfast in our desire to create a winning team and we will do what it takes to accomplish just that. This franchise is a community jewel, an icon whose meaning and importance go way beyond the 100 yards of a football field.

We understand that actions speak louder than words. That's why we took action earlier this week by launching an aggressive rebuilding program and taking the first steps in that program with the departures of Dennis Erickson and Terry Donahue. We have already begun an aggressive search for a new head coach and have a short list of top-notch candidates. We are in the process of evaluating all of our options with respect to a new general manager as well.

Over the course of the next few months and beyond, you will see us take an aggressive approach. Both the draft and free agency will present us with some great opportunities. We are excited about having the No. 1 pick in the draft and are prepared to use it to enhance our roster. We are determined to return the 49ers to the level of dominance and prominence expected of this franchise and will provide the resources needed to win.

To reach our goals, we are analyzing every aspect of our football operations and will make the necessary improvements to produce a winning team as quickly as possible. And this is not going to be a year-to-year proposition; we are determined to win year-after-year.

Of course, everyone also wants to know about the new stadium. We are firmly committed to building a stadium in a way that fully serves the interest of our fans and our team. We know that you want a new stadium that will reflect the stature of the 49ers' tremendous legacy in the National Football League. One of our highest priorities is to work with local leadership to make the new stadium a reality.

The San Francisco 49ers is one of the great names in sports. Like you, we are passionate about the 49ers and about this community. We are now at a major turning point. We hope you will continue to support us as we take the necessary steps to produce a winning football team and a world-class stadium.

Thank you for your faithful support. We appreciate your unrelenting passion.

Sincerely,

John and Denise York”

On to the free nfl picks…

Lambs @ Seagulls – Gulls -4

I am afraid that the inclement conditions in the pacific northwest will be too much for the dome home Lambs. Take the Gulls.

J-E-T-S @ Bolts – Chadsy +6.5

I suspect that the Chargers may win. But again, this is a weather related pick. It is likely going to be soggy and wet. And although the game is in San Diego, the Jets will feel at home in the weather. We’ll see a running and defense oriented game where the QB’s role will be minimized. This sort of game heavily favors the Jets. Look for them to keep it close and potentially even win. Oh yeah, and the chargers still don’t really believe they belong in the upper echelons of football.

John Elway @ Peyton ‘Elton John’ Manning – Elway +9.5

9.5 in a playoff game? Mikey Shannahaaaan getting nine points? I want all of my adoring fans (and that include you Tina K) to know that I am not only going to bet on the Broncos but I am also going to put some money on them winning straight up. Eff the effing colts.

Randy Moss @ Najeh ‘hamper buster’ Davenport – Najeh -6

Do any of you remember when the Vikes had to win against the ailing skins to get in to the play offs and then they tried their very hardest and lost. Now they are playing a real play-off team with a real QB in the very (excruciatingly, testicle shrinking, weenie compacting, silicon breast freezing) cold of Lambeau. This one should be a total point fest for Brett Favre. And the frostiness will stop the not-so-vaunted Vike passing attack. Enjoy the packer’s victory.