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JIGGY'S FREE NFL FOOTBALL PICKS

Week Four Free NFL Football Picks

There is already too much to discuss and Jiggy has barely started ingesting alcohol. (NOTE: All great writers agree that drinking heavily is an invaluable aspect of the creative process. So, to the kids out there that are reading this column - I know how hard it is for you to discover vices these days, what with hard alcohol ads banned on television and the requirement that beer and cigarette ads only target people over 21. Jiggy is here to help. First, drinking helps you write. Second it helps you handicap football games. But most importantly it makes you funnier and better looking whilst also improving the looks of any women you are with. Now, I know that jack on the rocks doesn’t always taste great – but that is why the good folks over at Jack Daniels have created gateway drinks. They claim that these aren’t marketed toward people under 21 and I agree. But they should be. They practically look like a set of crayola crayons. And with names like Black Jack Cola, Lynchburg Lemonade and Hurricane Punch, I can already imagine the 35 yr olds lining up. Anyway, start with those and work towards straight jack. After a winning week, like the one we just finished, you may want to move up to Gentleman Jack – which is Jiggy’s signature beverage. If you made money off my free picks, it is great karma to send over a bottle of The Gentleman – it makes me happy and it makes my columns more interesting. But I digress.)

So, I was sitting at the Brigantine watching Monday Night Football. If you must be trapped in San Diego for an extended period of time it is one of one’s few solaces. (Not counting the endless hot girls and the great weather.) What makes the Brig so great for MNF is that it always has a lively (good looking) crowd, the fish tacos are amazing, micro brews on-tap and the sound from the TVs isn’t pumped in to the room. This means you can watch the game without being subjected to the ‘bams,’ ‘booms’ and ‘horsetruck players of the game’ BS that has made John Madden rich – the fact that he has made his fortune from this is one of those mysteries, like the Bermuda triangle, but again this column is too short to answer all the questions it asks. In short, at the Brig, you can just enjoy the game.

Despite my wager on the Chefs, I was enjoying the first half. They weren’t out of the game and I was on my 3rd Jack Daniels. So the world was looking fine and I was feeling good when all effing hell broke loose. I felt like I was in a twilight-zone episode. Jiggy’s new close friend, Geena, (see enclosed picture – the sunglasses on Jiggy and the goatee were added to protect the guilty. I am not sure who the women is between us, I know she is not the lovely (and talented) Mrs. Jiggy, but I have a feeling she received much Jiggy-love that night) is standing between John and Al and she is dressed like them. I will say that in person, Geena is hot. I know she is like 96 years old and is taller than those Masai Warriors (see photo on right), but she wears it well. I am not saying that the Jig has jerked to Geena, but it isn’t out of the realm of possibility. Then, looking up from my jack and seeing her with those two jamooks, in an outfit that would have made Charlize Theron look nasty, was far too much for my delicate constitution. I hurled.

I do want to talk more about an otherwise pleasant evening. I was not alone at the Brig, I was with my fearless (yet feckless) associate, Lothario – the same one from the encounter at Seau’s. He has recently made his first advances toward boning (in a loving way) a young lady that we both met previously. She is a scene. She was supposed to arrive at 7:00 but it got pushed back. Thankfully. Even if I am not trying to bed the lady, I think it is generally bad taste for the fairer sex to have to experience Jiggy’s rage at losing a bet for no reason. – I went against DJ and took the LSU Tigers (with the teaser) – ½ and under 52½ - At halftime, the game was 21 – 0 LSU. I was already spending the money. I had already ordered the prostitutes and Crystal. I was debating between a red head and / or two blondes. I won’t go through the thought process, but uncharacteristically, I was leaning towards a red head. When the effing Tigers decided to throw an interception late in the 4th allowing the Danny Ainge-led highlighters to drive in to send the game to overtime, I was furious. Needless to say, that ended badly.

Anyway, so Lothario’s date shows up late, with a date of her own. How bizarre is this? Jiggy has too much football and far too much ‘Geena Davis in a blue button down shirt’ on his mind to worry about this development. I will say that the not-so-young man that was brought along can easily be placed in the ‘no threat’ category. More on this union as events warrant. And of course thanks to Trent Green and the Chiefs for folding like a three week old hustler magazine. Douche bags.

Other notables developments. You have all heard of the SI curse, I am sure. I am beginning to believe that the opposite is true of Wagercom.com. Let’s look at the deep sample set. Brandon Lloyd does an interview with Jiggy. It is posted on the website, what happens next? He has a fantasy explosion (no wet dream jokes please). Blloyd goes for 4/142/2. This almost wipes out his combined stats from his entire career. Those of you in to fantasy football should watch out for the next Wagercom.com interview. I won’t tell you who it will be, but I will give you a little hint – he attended The U, he has defecated in a coed’s hamper and plays near Brett Favre (who should be benched).

And finally, I may have been the last to find out about this. But it seems that Randy Moss has officially become the oddest player in the NFL. Yeah, he had some issues getting in to a university besides Marshall, yes, he did drive over a traffic cop, its true, he doesn’t really run unless he believes the ball will be thrown to him, no one can deny that he actually accepted a trade to a team QB’d by Kerry Collins but now he has gotten bizarre. Now that he is wealthy, living in the bay area and generally adored, he spends his free time fishing. Now that is out there. But he has also begun his foray in to merchandising. Now this is something I agree with. I will not bore you here with the economics of being an NFL player – but suffice it to say, they need to concentrate on diversifying their revenue streams. One great way to do this is merchandising. You all know about the George Foreman Grill. George Foreman (who has named his five children George) made more money in one year from that cooking device than he did in his entire boxing career – you dig? So Randy decides that he too needs to get involved. In his wisdom, he decides that people really just want to look like him (he is not a handsome dude). Someone has got to be kidding. But I am anxious to see the first set of bank robbers and/or convenience store robberies where everyone is wearing Randy Moss masks. Further, I hope Randy becomes one of the suspects. Beautiful.

Before we go over the last week’s surprises it is time for a little bit of gloating. Jiggy went 3-1 last week and would have gone 4-0 had the Carolina Panthers figured out how to take care of the ball. Your emails of gratitude are nice, but please, send more photos of hot women.

Willis finally got his mojo working, but the worthless bag of flesh, JP Los(e)man made it impossible for them to beat the most overrated man in the world, Mike Vick. As an aside, dear readers, have any of you started Mike Vick in your fantasy leagues a single time this year? If so, please write to me and explain your 10 point plan for getting out of last place.

Cincy and Chicago – this one was exactly the way Jiggy predicted it would be.

Jax have a defense that is serious and the Jets are letting their inner Herm Edwards show – it is officially time to find a new coach in New Jersey and imagine the trainwreck that is going to ensue with the gutty Badger, Brooks (though Herm calls him Brooksy and no, I am not kidding) Bollinger at the helm.

Indy’s defense is good, that is a new development. But what has happened to the offense? Peyton, you have spent too much time pleasuring your male friends, please get back to football. Last year you could count on virtually every Colt game to go over and for the Colts to cover – this year, not so much.

Is Minny getting better or is it that New Orleans is just that bad. I think it is a little of both. But don’t go betting the ‘blow job’ money on Minny until they show us a little bit more consistency (especially with Nate Burleson feeling gimpy).

It is official – Green Bay sucks.

My Niners have cut me to the core. How can you blow that lead? HOW?

Big Ben did his part in Pittsburgh. This loss falls squarely on the shoulders of Bill Cowher. He should never have gone for the TD without being more mindful of the clock. Maybe he didn’t think that Tom Brady would be cool under fire in the final two minutes – oh yeah, Brady virtually personifies the cool customer when the game is on the line. Would it have killed Cowher to run once or twice? Really? I would fire the guy – but hey who am I? Only the best NFL columnist on the web.

As I am watching the score of the Tennessee v. St. Louis game change I am feeling great. First we are up 7-0 and then up 10-0 and remember, we are getting 6½ points – so we are really up 16½. Then there is a gamebreak. We went back to Terry in the studio and there was Steve McNair with the ball. I am looking for Ben Troupe to put up his second TD of the day and we could be rolling at 17 – 0. But then it all came crashing down – Adam Archuleta (who apparently is such a fabulous lover that playboy playmates cry for joy when he bones them - so says Jennifer Walcott) intercepts the venerable one and takes it back for 6. Thank goodness the Titans nailed a late field goal to cover.

I have already choked on about the Chefs and I am similarly agitated about the Chargers.

Now, the NFL picks…

Mr. ASU @ Mr. Marshall – Mr. Marshall -4

The Jax are on FIRE. I don’t usually like taking the hot team – but they are winning the right way. They are using their defense and making other teams hurt. The D gave up like 14 to the Seachickens, 10 to Indy, and 13 to the J-E-T-S (their O gave up one of the TDs). That isn’t lights out defense, but it is close. In terms of offense, the Jags are in the middle of the pack, but their Defense is second in the league in yards allowed. The only team better than them are the Chucky-led Bucs. Look for Denver (with a short week) to travel to Florida and get their mile-high asses handed to them. Take the Jax and give the points.

T.O. at Eddie Kennison – T.O. +2

The Chefs will be hungry and they will want to prove that their 2-0 wasn’t a fluke. But come on man. This is the defending champion of the NFC against the Trent ‘I have a stent in my leg’ Green-led Chefs. I understand that Donovan is hurting – and it showed at times during his win (though non-cover) over the Raiders. And we all understand that there are kicker issues in Philly but any stiff can knock down a few field goals and a few extra points (see Jose "the roofer" Cortez). When you can have the Eagles and points against anyone except for the few elite teams in the league (NE, Pitt, SF, Indy) you just have to party with them. Take the Eagles and the points.

Shaun Alexander at Clinton Portis – Shaun +2

Wow. Some oddsmaker in Vegas ought to get out of Sapphire and start paying attention to his job. The Seachickens are an alright squad. Their offense is elite (2nd in the NFL in yds/game) and their D is a respectable 8th (yds/game allowed). And the Redskins couldn’t get laid in a morgue or a whorehouse with hundred dollar bills taped to their foreheads. The skins are 2-0 – that is undeniable. But I question whether either of those wins should count. The skins managed to eek one out against the highly-touted Bears and then steal one from the Cowboys on Monday night. – One quick note on that MNF win. How much did it feel like you were stoned, playing Madden in your basement when that happened. It was Washington and Dallas with John Madden and Al commentating and the game came down to two garbage deep bombs that should have been stopped. It was as if DJ was playing the Redskins and I was the Boys and I was too altered to hit the triangle button whilst controlling Sean Taylor (from where? The U) - Both wins are suspect. I know that they are coming off of an idle week and I know that they are hosting the Chickens. But I cannot see the skins being 3-0. Take the Seahawks and the points.

Free NFL Lock of the Week

Joey Harrington at Chucky– Chucky – 6.5

I often shy away from larger spreads, especially in the NFL. In the NFL coaches don’t put any premium on running up the score. Take Tampa this week – they could have kicked a field goal to cover the spread, but chose not to. In NCAA F-ball you will see coaches showing machismo and adding points to alleviate doubt. So why would the Jig Meister then put his lock of the week pick on a spread of almost a full seven points? The answer is simple. Mariucci is a born loser, Joey Harrington is a born loser and the Bucs are hungry and angry. In addition to being hungry and angry, the game is in their home and they are rolling out the number one defense in the land (yds/game). They allow almost 60 fewer yards per game than the Lions do. The Lions stats don’t really paint a true picture of them as the only teams they have played are the Bears and the Packers. Now the Lions went 1-1 against these two monsters. And further, their defensive ranking comes from the Pack and Bears. What a scene. But don’t fret, the Lions offense, it is ranked a strong 30th, ahead of only the Texans and the Bills. This really should be an incredibly one-sided event. Sort of like a fisting video. Take the Bucs and give the points.

Contact Jiggy at jiggy@wagercom.com or post your questions/comments on the Wagercom Message Board


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