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JIGGY'S FREE NFL FOOTBALL PICKS

Week Five Free NFL Football Picks

Hey Bitch, you wanna go?

1-3. Despair… Desperation… Has Jiggy lost his touch? I think not. The Jig man has had down weeks before, but remember, in two years, he has never had a down year. So we charge onward.

Before I get too far in to my column, I know that many of you, who lead lives like mine, find little joy in this world. I know that for some of you, this column is your only solace. It is time for you to give back. I know what I want for my thanksgiving day present. One of you should arrange for me to have Katerina.

San Jose

I am not sure if I bring these experiences upon myself or if the world is just a backdrop for the sexual escapades (and failures) of the NFLigentisa. [If I am getting too literary for all of my loyal readers, please let me know. I am happy to stick to lesbian jokes and porn references, but I know some of you have passed your GED and you expect more from me.]

So I am in the SJC for work. I still have a job outside of handicapping, but that is only because I want to relate to the ‘regular’ people who read me every week. (And it is a nice story to tell the IRS when they cruise by and wonder how I afford my pimped out rims without any quantifiable income.)

In my regular job I am expected to schmooze. So a co-worker and I start driving around San Jose at like 7:00 looking for a place to drink. I would tell all of you that this co-worker is a sizzling piece of tail that is 5’ 5” with c-cups and an ass that you could bounce quarters off of. Think of a cross between Cindy Crawford (when she was young, hot and a bikini model, not the currently married with children version) and Alyssa Milano. But that would all be a lie because my co-worker is a man. I am sure you are all crushed (though not as crushed I was). Anyhow, we managed to find a bar/restaurant that looked relatively interesting and vaguely lively. We entered. A hot (8-9 not 10-11) hostess informed us that we should probably sit upstairs as there is more action up there. I was more concerned with whether or not the Air Force Colorado State game would be on tv. When it was clarified that not only was it hipper upstairs, but the game was also on, I was convinced.

Up we went.

I will call my co-worker Bob for the sake of argument. So Bob and I find ourselves sitting at a table waiting for the aforepromised action to ensue. Upstairs is better than downstairs in the same way that Jo was hotter than Blair – yes, it is true, but it is a lose-lose situation anyway. After one jack daniels and the beginning of a bottle of wine (yes we were sharing and no I am not gay – not that there would be anything wrong with that) the night had the first shimmerings of being more than dull.

Our waitress be-bopped over, she was compact, yet cute. I would put her squarely in the 8-9 range as well. She had a great little body and some Joan Jett hair going on. [Editorial Note: For those of us that actually lived through the 80s, let’s band together. They were bad fashion years. Sure Duran Duran, Wall Street, Coke Parties, Miami Vice and Daryl Hanna were great, but I think those things are all better left in the past. Someone should tell the young ones that 80s fashion isn’t sexy.] But she was working it. She would have remained squarely in the 8-9 range had she not introduced herself with the following volley, “hey, I am Angie (we will call her Angie because that is her real name and no one who reads this column would miss the opportunity to be in it) and I am 21. I am your waitress.” I am not sure how Bob managed to move the conversation past this, but the next thing we know, she is explaining how she is really, just in her ‘party phase.’

Yahtzee.

As the restaurant filled up many of her friends appeared. The place was newly opened and the owner seemed to have a thing for SJSU girls (who wouldn’t – though they are nothing compared to FSU girls – GO ‘Noles). So Angie decides it is important to bring each of her friends over to show them off (I guess). As Bob and I continued to drink (bottle of wine II) the questions starting veering over that line that separates gentlemanly curiosity and lechery. (Don’t fret readers; this does end up having much to do with the NFL.) I don’t think she showed us pictures of her first lesbian experience but she went in to enough detail that I could have sketched them myself. And probably would’ve had I had a pencil. Whenever I am drunk and talking to a HOT chick (with a combination of booze and lesbian banter our little Angie has risen from the 8-9 range to somewhere in the 15-16 range) I do what all of you probably do, I ask about the 49ers. And then all hell broke loose for me.

She brings over a cute friend and says that BLloyd had partied with her (danced the night away) and then when he went to seal the transaction, he was turned down. I asked why anyone would say no to BLloyd. Not only is he the 14th ranked WR in the NFL, but he is the also the Face of Wagercom. She smiled (in the way that 21 year olds can – a way that makes you forget what you had even asked in the first place) and I was satisfied.

I wanted to learn more about her partying and she wanted to tell me more about it. Any red blooded man would have wanted to go over (in painstaking detail) the machinations of a young lesbian deflowering. And so I asked, “what other 49ers do you party with?”

She mentioned only one, KB. I asked if she meant Kevan Barlow – the answer was yes. I queried if she had ‘had relations’ with KB. She said no – but four or five of her friends had. How is KB (a second tier running back to be sure) working his magic on you and your SJSU friends? Is he excellent in the sack? She said that the reviews were predominantly negative. So how is he getting you guys when even the masterful BLoyd can’t? What is his pick up line?

“Hey bitch, you wanna go?”

If I wasn’t in the KB fan club, I am now – and (more realistically, if there isn’t one) I’ll start one.

The recap:

There seems to be a theme in the NFL. It is a disturbing theme. Coaches don’t manage the clock well. Or more importantly, they don’t trust their defenses enough. It isn’t always important to get the first down passing or to build a huge lead. Don’t be afraid to run the ball, keep the clock rolling and give your defense a chance to win the game.

The 9er game and the Bucs game both showed an unwillingness to just run the ball. The Niners had a 14 point lead in the fist quarter and you know how they protected it? Did they hand the ball off to Barlow and Gore? No, they decided that Tim ‘the human turnover’ Rattay needed to fling the ball to battle tested receivers like Johnny Morton and the face of Wagercom, BLoyd. I like these guys, but just run the damn ball. Your QB is marginal at best (and has since been benched – thankfully) but your defense was doing alright. Just run the damn ball. The Niners only ran 14 times (or about 3.5 times per quarter). If you run, you will be less likely to have a turnover, you will tick another 45 seconds off the clock and you will have a chance to punt.

Chucky also didn’t trust his defense, and it is damn good. Chucky was winning 17-10 in the third quarter over the pathetic Lions and still managed to run fewer times during the game. Perhaps it is sour grapes because they didn’t cover – but why trust Griese when you can trust the Caddy and Michael Pittman? Baffling.

I have called for the Aaron Rogers era (though Favre looked great on Monday – and won me some money) but the Losman era is quickly coming to a close. Holcomb may be the answer. It is tough losing to the Aints and it is all the worse when your running back has more yards rushing than your QB has passing for the second week in a row. The Bills need to make a switch (it doesn’t have to be permanent but) something has got to change.

The Seachickens need a kicker. You can’t lose to the Skins and still think it is going to be OK – because it won’t be.

The Giants offense seems to be for real.

Parcells really needs to look inside and see if he still wants to coach. Losing to Kerry Collins punishable by death in some countries.

Wow, can the Jets get any worse? With Vinny at the helm, I suspect the answer is yes.

Now, the NFL picks…

Aaron Brooks @ Aaron Rogers – Aaron Rogers -3

I have ripped the pack on and on this year, they are completely defeated. I know that Ahman Green likely won’t play this week and I know that Favre is still at the helm. The Saints played above their own heads last week and they are going to be soft because of it. Favre and his squad nearly tasted victory on the road and will want to fully enjoy their first win in front of the friendly fans at Lambeau. Autumn will be in the air and I know the pack will show up. Take the pack and give the points.

Andy ‘down syndrome’ Reid at Bill ‘weightwatchers’ Parcells – Down Syndrome -3.5

Last week the Eagles were dogs and they won big. This week they are playing the team that lost to the Raiders. Let me write that again so that you all know. The Cowboys lost to the Raiders last week. The Eagles have continued to show how good they are and I am afraid that Bill hasn’t figured out how to get his squad working. There is going to be too much TO, too much Westbrook and even too much LJ Smith. Take the Eagles and give the points.

He Hate Me at Josh McCown – He Hate Me -2.5

Brothers and sisters this is not fair. The killers that are the Carolina defense are going to have their way with the Arizona Cards. You can’t roll out Marcel Shipp and JJ Arrington (a gutty Golden Bear to be sure) and expect the Panthers to respect the run. And if they don’t respect the run, they are going to come after the pass hard. Josh won’t have an answer for that. This is going to be ugly. Take the Panthers and give the measly 2.5 points.

Free NFL Lock of the Week

Griese at Testverde – Griese -2.5

I am not going to really discuss this one too much. In mathematical proofs we use the term QED or quod erat demonstrandum when something has been shown to be true. So I have decided to prove this one mathematically. It is sort of a long proof (not unlike the one listed here http://www.mathcamp.org/proofs.php), but bear with me.

Vinny Testaverde (with one week of practice) is starting for the Jets.

QED.

Contact Jiggy at jiggy@wagercom.com or post your questions/comments on the Wagercom Message Board


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