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JIGGY'S FREE NFL FOOTBALL PICKS

Week Six Free NFL Football Picks

I have this eerie feeling, as if I am not speaking for myself, but rather, being scripted by a two-bit writer – think ‘the writer from Party of Five’. But I am going to write it anyway. Perhaps my incessant surfing for porn on the internet has finally caught up with me. Yes, fellow readers, it is fine to make jokes about Taylor Rain, Jenna Jameson and Cheyenne Silver. I know you were with me on Taylor and I know you have all heard of Jenna, but please take note of Cheyenne. I only discovered her recently and she is a charming young lady. I think she may be part Apache – though this is unconfirmed. It is conceivable that I have an Apache fetish, but it seems unlikely.

In any event, I sat down to write my column and my computer quit on me. Although no one can confirm that it was internet porn related, I am convinced. So I have decided to swear off of computers: at least for writing my columns. I will type them on a typewriter and mail them to my publisher, that way I can surf the web for porn in blissful ignorance.

I would love to regale all of my fans with stories of wine, women and song, but this week was surprisingly dull. I managed to go seven full days without hearing of any sexual escapade by a 49er. That is not to say the NFL has been without excitement. (We will get to the Boat Cruise and the Onterrio Smith Story soon.) Nay, my week was spent at two football games and playing ‘sure I’ll help you with your stats homework’ with our neighbor’s 16 year old daughter. She was cautious when I poured her some Courvoisier, but who can seduce a young… I mean concentrate on math when they don’t have a little of the fine spirit in ‘em?

I went to the Cal v. UCLA game with DJ and his family. We did get in to a drinking contest with some UCLA law grads. It was sort of a lifetime highlight to turn to DJs mom after she had vomited, had beer dripping from her nose and yell at her ‘keep drinking’ because ‘you can’t let these little bitches beat us.’ The crew of young ladies was neither cute, nor available – but they were drunk. The way the Cal Bears played was reminiscent of the collapse of the Niners when they played Dallas. But I should have expected it as DJ told me it would end that way.

I also attended the MNF game betwixt the Steelers and the Chargers. It was great to watch Rothlisberger ball. He is truly a great QB. The only thing really holding him back in his career is Coach Cowher. That guy couldn’t spell pass if he was spotted the P and the A. Cowher rolled out Kordell Stewart at QB and he did it with a straight face. He should be coaching the old wing T or running the option. There are a couple of NCAA programs left that could be ruined – Cowher could pull a Wannstedt and wreck his alma mater NC State (as if the douchebag with the crazy glasses hasn’t done enough for that squad already).

The only other observation from the game is that Steeler fans are ugly. They may be great people, they may be wonderful members of society, but they fell out of the ugly tree and got violated by every branch on the way down. You all know that I have wet dreams about girls wearing football jerseys. But I am convinced I would have preferred to bone the real Ben Rothlisberger rather than some of the young honeys wearing his jersey. The ugliness was especially noticeable because it was in contrast to the Charger fans, who are by and large all blond, bikini models. But alas, those poor saps may look good, but their team didn’t cover (as Jiggy bet).

I am not going to go too much in depth about the Vikings Boat Cruise. I will say that I want to party with Fred Smoot wherever and whenever he gets his groove on (buy the I Partied with Smoot T-Shirt here). And I want to retell a joke that a friend told me. ‘The Vikes were having sex in the first hour of a three hour cruise? That is the fastest start they’ve gotten in two seasons.” Ha ha. I can only imagine how great it would be if the pictures came out and they were all wearing Wagercom t-shirts and Randy Moss masks (with war fro). If Culpepper was wearing that outfit while receiving oral sex on the front of the boat, I would frame that photo and put it on my mantle.

And of course poor Onterrio Smith. I have dibs on writing his life story. It is one thing to drug a girl and then sexually assualt her with one of your friends, but come on, the woman had fetal alcohol syndrome. Have you no dignity?

I hope that next week I will have a boat cruise, a 49er story and some cool new venereal disease to discuss. But now, on to football.

The recap:

There are many disturbing things from these week’s games. But the most illuminating thing was the Jets game. I have decided that all the talk of complex offensive schemes and intense offense game planning is all bullshit. The real NFL is no more complicated than a game of Madden. Take an old QB with a strong arm – it isn’t important if he knows any of the plays, has practiced with any of the receivers, is in NFL shape, has a unibrow – give him some simple plays and he can beat one of the better defenses in the league.

The defense can either be in man or they can be in zone. Yes, you can put man underneath and zone on top or you can have man coverage on one side of the field and zone on the other but the microcosm is this… If Laberneus has single coverage (no matter what is happening elsewhere) hit him on a quick slant. If the DB is shading him inside, run a 5 yard out route. If they have doubled Labernues do the same thing on the other side of the field with Justin Mac. If both of them are doubled, then there is a seam route in the middle to the TE. That is one play. Now put a run left and a run right (both off tackle) and maybe put in one counter running play and one play action pass and you are done. There is my NFL offense. Now let’s fire the O-coordinator, fire the seventeen assistants in charge of watching films of defenses. And then spend that money on sex cruises. Your team will win the same or more than they would’ve if you didn’t go through the whole rigmarole and you will have some money to keep the players happy with boat cruises and passed out fetal alcohol ladies.

The 9ers made losing by 25 not look too bad. Either Peyton Manning is truly grappling with his own homosexuality or defenses in the NFL have solved the Colts. And yes, Alex Smith looked every bit the rookie that he is. But I think he will be good.

Woe is Baltimore. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Kelly Holcomb is going to save the Bills. You heard it here first. The Bills will challenge for their division and likely make the playoffs. They are too good not to. And I have not given up on JP, but he clearly needs more time.

Mike Martz should have been in the hospital, not at the sideline of an NFL game. Hasn’t he caused the Rams to lose enough? Time to move on Mike. Go get healthy – and then you can ruin an NCAA team.

Houston and Chicago are that terrible.

Denver appears to be for real.

And what happened to the Eagles? Have the wheels really come off? I don’t think so. Dallas is good in spots and their offense seems to be gelling while the Eagles have been playing hard with a hurt QB and a weak ground game. The Birds will get it all together and the Cowboys will probably continue to improve. You can’t really bet against the Tuna over the long term.

I would comment on the Packers, but if you read Jiggy last week, you knew that would happen and same with the Panthers.

Now, the NFL picks…

Jax @ Charlie Batch – Jax +3

I watched first hand as the Steelers defense took care of one of the best offenses in the NFL in the Chargers. I saw that the Bus is Back. But I also know that the Jags defense is serious. The Steelers aren’t the same with Batch at the helm and Ward gimpy. If Maddox or Big Ben plays, you may want to stay away from this one, but with Batch in there, this should be a walkover for the tough Jag Defense and the gutty Byron Leftwich. Take the Jags and the points.

Carolina on my Mind at The Motor City – Carolina +1

If I can have any team against the Lions and get points, I am pleased. But when it is the war-tested Panthers, I am ecstatic. Even though they are on the road and they went through an emotional win last week, the Panters are just too much team for Joey Harrington. Joey is a mess, the defense of the Lions is a mess and their running game is still trying to find its footing. I am putting my money down on the Panthers and I will likely just bet the money line and forget about the one point. This one should be a stomping.

Brownies at Ravens – Brownies +6

The Browns aren’t that bad. They are 2-2 and they have played tight games against the Colts and the Bungles. The Ravens have only beaten one team and that one was led by Brooks Bolinger. This spread is a vestigial line from last season. We are looking at something that is leftover from last year. The Ravens used to be good and the Browns used to be terrible – but this is a new year and neither of those things are true. Look for Anthony ‘the human turnover’ Wright to score once for the Browns and never again. So the Browns should win like 24 – 3. I am all over the Browns with the points.

Free NFL Lock of the Week

Bolts at Raiders – Bolts -2

The Chargers really are one of the better teams in the NFL. Marty Schottenheimer is a grade A douchebag. Without him, this team could go undefeated. Their running back is the class of the NFL – at any position. Their 2nd string QB would start for ½ of the teams in the league and their defense is surprisingly resilient – don’t even get me started on what a freak Antonio Gates is. And then you have the Raiders. They are coming off of a bye week – but that doesn’t mean that Kerry Collins is going to magically disappear or that Lamont Jordan will somehow turn in to a starting NFL back. This is going to be a mismatch. And in addition, the Bolts are angry about losing in front of a national audience. So look for the Bolts to romp the Raiders.

Many of my fans ask me where I wager. I have a gambling problem so I bet on everything from the ponies to how long (in inches) my excrement is. But I have been a proud customer to sportingbetusa.com for some time ( Join www.sportingbetusa.com now and receive a generous sign up bonus. ). They have good lines, great promotions, many betting options and most importantly, I get my money from them on time. They have signed a deal with Wagercom.com. So if you are looking for an online book, try them out. They are Jiggy tested and Jiggy approved.

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