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The Winter of Our Discontent

Fellow NFL fans, fellow handicappers, fellow heroes, the time is finally upon us. It is the winter of our disquiet, the winter of our pain and the winter of our imprisonment. We have had to weather the mind-numbing boredom of baseball, the high-scoring NBA (interestingly enough, there was a recent study put out by a joint group of statisticians from MIT, Stanford and Wharton and it found definitively that the NBA playoffs are not only longer than the regular season, but also more boring – the insult that is the WNBA and of course, the page-turning drama of the hockey lock out. But dear friends, it is the winter – or the beginning of the end of the pain. The first shoots of spring have sprung – the light at the end of the tunnel is in sight.

This morning, in the land of the rising sun, the NFL preseason began. A scintillating match up between the Atlanta Falcons and the Indianapolis Colts. I find it interesting, and somewhat ironic, that they would play the game in Japan. As we all remember, it was the Japanese that in one of the greatest unprovoked attacks in history bombed Pearl Harbor. This surprise attack came after they had raped Nanking and generally tortured and destroyed all of their neighbors. It might have been more fitting if the Rams had played in this game as the stupidity of attacking Pearl Harbor would have been right up Mike Martz’s alley. Seriously, why would you wake the sleeping, isolationist giant that was the United States in 1941? But this exegesis is left for another time. Incidentally, I would have taken the United States and given the points. The Japanese D just had no answer for the Allied Atomic Attack.

I could spend time breaking down the disparate assets of the two most exciting quarterbacks in the NFL. But, because they are both losers (neither have been to or won a Superbowl and one of them likes little boys) I am going to postpone this discussion until it matters (read – should be bet upon). To my readers that do bet on the preseason, I do admire your vim (and vigor) but I am afraid that ‘The Jiggy’ isn’t in this for fun, but rather, for profit. So I will take this time to make a few predictions about the coming season and generally say ‘welcome back.’

ONE

The first prediction is probably the most out impressive – and perhaps it is inspired by the recent induction of the “Stormin’ Mormon,” “Mister Toyota Pitch Man,” and “Joe Montana’s Back-Up,” Steve Young being inducted into the hall of fame. I am awash in 49er euphoria. This feeling isn’t just ‘the love,’ it is so much more than that. That feeling is the feeling of money. The Niners will have a difficult season they probably won’t win 5 games. But I suspect that they will improve markedly against the spread (ATS). Last season the Niners were a paltry 6-10 ATS. This year, I predict they at least go 8-8 ATS. So let’s look for some real fireworks from Alex Smith (a bust waiting to happen in my mind – but let’s hope that I am pleasantly surprised) and Frank Gore (arguably the best dark horse candidate for rookie of the year).

TWO

The overunder for Ron Mexico jerseys shown on TV is 43 – I have to predict that the real number will be far higher. For those of you who don’t know, the world Famous Michael Vick, aside from being the most overrated human being, also manages to pull ass without depending on his ‘cover of madden ’04’ persona. Mr. Vick was at a nightclub, pretended to be someone else and still managed to land a honey. This honey thought his name was Ron Mexico – I will withhold discourse on the seeming incongruity of the name Mexico and the ethnic heritage of the named – but far be it from me to question the intelligence quotients of young ladies in bars who pick up men with odd names. All that being said, Mr. Vick (or Mexico) proceeded to give our poor little friend herpes. And now, the NFL (which stands for No Fun League) won’t let anyone buy Atlanta Falcons jerseys with the name Mexico on the back. But, all that aside, I suspect we will see close to 87 Mexico jersey spottings this year. And I will enjoy every single one more than the last.

THREE

My favorite NFL douche bag (and believe me, this was a hotly contested title), Kellen Winslow Junior will even surprise me with another stupid antic. First there is the posing and general douche baggery of his college career. The guy scores a touchdown in the first game of the season and then strikes the Heisman pose – he didn’t catch another td all year. And then he talks tons of trash about being soldiers – offends real soldiers – then he blows his knee and compiles a nothing (or virtually nothing) during his first pro-season. And how does he celebrate being one of the most overrated young rookies? Does he dedicate himself to improving? Does he work on routes, learning the playbook, lifting weights? No, he buys himself a ‘high-powered’ motorcycle (that he doesn’t know how to ride) and then tries to do tricks in the parking lot. He ends up injuring himself and potentially ruining his second season. Nice work douchebag.

http://www.macon.com/mld/macon/sports/colleges/mercer/12123887.htm

FOUR

The New England Patriots will not win the superbowl. Although one could argue that they have not lost any of the critical pieces on the field (and that could be true) they have lost many in the coaching booth and further – they have had too many breaks go their way the previous years. I just cannot believe that lady luck will smile on them quite like she has over the previous two seasons. So, look for the Pats to have another good season, but don’t lay any money on them winning it all again. I just don’t think it is possible.

FIVE

And finally, I have two predictions about America’s favorite fantasy quarterback, Peyton Manning. I predict, that yet again, he will not win the superbowl. I have written many columns about how he doesn’t have the internal mettle to get the job done – so I won’t belabor that point. But the second prediction and probably the more newsworthy is that I suspect he will be the first NFL player to come out of the closet while he is still playing. Peyton, I know you’ll read this. I want you to know that I am proud of you and I understand the great strength it will take to tell your wife, your family and the players that have been showering with you for the recent years. But also, the truth shall set you free my brother, the truth shall set you free. And by the way, nice INT in the first game of the 2005/2006 season. I hope it is the first of many.

My predictions for each division will follow shortly and before we know it, we will be starting the gambling season. Please check back often and do not be afraid to give me questions and or feedback.

Xoxo

Jiggy

Contact Jiggy at jiggy@wagercom.com or post your questions/comments on the Wagercom Message Board


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