THE PROFESSOR'S CORNER FEATURING PROFESSOR OSWALD TINKLEBERRY

12/03/04 THE PROFESSOR'S CORNER


Special to Wagercom.com , Professor Oswald Tinkleberry will be providing us with his perspective ramblings and answering reader e-mail every week or two, so keep e-mailing him with questions, ideas, and/or comments. Questions can be about the NBA, Major League Baseball, Fantasy sports, or the great Taylor Rain-Janine Lindemuller debate. Just send your questions to info@wagercom.com

The Professor’s Corner

Dear Readers,

I appreciate all of your responses and feedback to my maiden column. As I said before, it’s a great honor to be writing for the site. Many of you have asked me to tell you a bit about myself; what do I do with my days? Where am I from? How is it that I bone so many girls so often in so many different orifices? Well, like any master magician, I won’t reveal my secrets, but I’m happy to give you the brief sketches of my biography. Only the broadest of strokes. The kind of strokes you reserve for just before the money shot.

Oswald Tinkleberry was born in a different time. A time when horses were as esteemed for their conversation as they were for their gallop. A time when war was a synonym for love. That time before video irrevocably altered the adult film industry.

Infant Oswald was discovered suckling at the teats of a matronly python in the wilds of an Amazon jungle by a young Mormon missionary sent there to convert the natives. He had seemingly been left there as the result of a prophecy. The exact details of that prophecy or the oracle that delivered it are unknown. But it is safe to assume that his birth parents feared the child would one day upset the balance of things with his words. Sadly, as the story of Oedipus teaches us, we all want to have sex with our moms. But that story also teaches that we cannot escape fate.

As a boy, young Oswald did what most boys do. He made war, he studied the stars, he affixed mirrors to his shoes so he could look up girls’ dresses. On an early marauding campaign with the Magyars, Oswald’s superior officer was killed and he was forced to assume command of the regiment. What he lacked in age, he made up for in his zest for pillage and rape. He was an excellent horseman. It was around this time that young Oswald playing with fire on a beach, quite by accident, invented glass. For this, he was awarded ten lily white virgins and with the old expression that bears his name: “People in Oswald glass houses should throw bigger stones than those living in mud huts.”

Tired with his rural surroundings, Oswald moved to the city and was introduced to Fubu and the thug world. Pimping mad hos, he was introduced to Eazy E with whom he ultimately collaborated on such early hits as Eazy Duz It. Oswald excelled at Nintendo and is still remembered as the winningest coach in Baseball Stars history.

Shunning the street life, Oswald retreated to the world of books. This was a happy time for Oswald. He studied all the great letters written to the Penthouse Forum and even managed to publish a short account in Oui magazine. The story recounts an encounter with an underage circus girl whom he turned into an albino by “dousing every pore of her in my love spunk twice a day between the juggler and bear acts as we toured the Moravian countryside.”

It was at this time that Oswald began his graduate studies in a field that he created: chronology. Chronology, as he explains it, is the study of “the ordering of events, what comes first and what follows.” His groundbreaking dissertation, which earned him many awards and which gave him the professorship in chronology he now holds, was entitled: “The Virgin Birth.” It did not examine Mother Mary and the story of her virgin birth, but rather studied the question of whether children must be born virgins. “The usual course of events,” it begins, “follows that you are born, you lose your virginity, and then you die. But is that always the way? Is it possible to lost your virginity in the womb?” His conclusion was that it would take a very skilled and very endowed cocksman to devirginize a child while still in the womb. Or, in the case of twins, “If they are very precocious and have some room to move around, it is possible that they will begin a game of ‘Doctor’ or ‘I’ll show you yours if you show me mine,’ that can escalate into pre-delivery coitus.”

It is Oswald’s study of the ordering of events that lends him the expertise to write knowledgably on gambling.

So that was my brief bio. On to some questions.....

Reader Questions:

In your opinion, what is the most difficult thing to do in sports?

Kindest Regards,

JP Earlson

Thank you, JP. Great question. You will hear a lot of different answers to this question depending on whom you ask.

Baseball fans will say that hitting a major league curveball is the hardest thing. Imagine a 90 MPH ball screaming at your head and then whizzing down at the last instant to fall into the strike zone. That’s hard to hit. But Barry “Accidental Roid Rage” Bonds will say it is easy, because it is for him. Others will say eagling on the notorious hole 7 at Augusta. But Tiger “genetic milkshake” Woods makes it look easy. Still others will say leading a game winning Super Bowl drive with 90 seconds remaining is the most difficult. But Joe Cool did it easily enough while still pointing out to his teammates that John Candy was in the stands watching. Poker players might say that bluffing all in on the river against a Middle Eastern doofus with an unlit cigarette in his mouth at the final table of the WSOP is hardest. Chris Moneymaker won’t say that, though. Neither will Freddy Deeb. So there are lots of answers.

But one answer is indisputable. There is one act that is by far the most difficult thing to do in sports. Something that only one man has ever been able to do. That man was Rodney Dangerfield and that thing was The Triple Lindy. This was an act that required unparalleled grace, Buddha-like concentration, Herculean strength, and Einsteinian inventiveness and imagination. Shakespeare called Dangerfield’s dive, “A dancing act of blinding skill and tact.” Alexander the Great said upon seeing the footage of it, “Were I not Alexander, I would be Thornton Melon (Dangerfield’s character).” And Oswald Tinkleberry calls it the pinnacle of all sports achievement.

I am very scared and dismayed. MGM is developing a remake of “Back to School” that will come out in 2006. The role of Thornton Melon will be reprised by Cedric the Entertainer. I am scared for Cedric’s life. If he attempts the Triple Lindy, which I’m sure he must, he will fail dismally. It will be ugly. On the second board, his fat self will be splattered all over the set. And I am only dismayed because we will not get the chance to see the footage of him wiping out.

My question for you is, are there any pro coaches who have coached two

different pro sports. Thanks.

-Adam

Adam, I sense something strange in this question. Or, if not strange, at least something needy, something desperately wanting. There is something veiled beneath the surface of this question. It strikes me that there is a desire in you to be able to have things two ways, to sit where you are and where the grass is greener, to have your Jenna and eat her too.

The answer to your question, Adam, is that yes, you are bisexual. And that is not something you should feel ashamed of. If you have read the Kinsey report or have seen the new eponymous movie, you would know that human sexuality is not black and white, on or off, one or zero. It is a spectrum, a broad spectrum. So, yes, you can have things both ways.

So, my advice to you is to go down to the car wash where you saw that employee that you loved so much and just tell him how you feel. If he feels the same way, you will hop into your car, turn on the music and feel cleansed of your sin as your car is cleansed of its birdshit. Let him be the coach of your second pro sport. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love your wife. It just means that she is not satisfying you. But please do write in and let us know how it goes! All of us here at Wagercom support you.

How many points did Chris Paul score in the game after his grandfather was murdered???

Thanks!

-Kelly

Kelly, thank you for this question. It alerts our readers to a true human interest story.

On Nov. 15, 2002, Nathaniel Jones was ambushed by five teenaged boys as they burglarized his home. They taped his mouth shut, tied his hands behind his back and beat him to death. Among the five assailants, all between 14 and 15 years old when the crime occurred, two brothers were sentenced to life in prison. The others are awaiting trial.

His grandson and greatest admirer, Chris Paul, had just announced that he would be attending Wake Forest for school. But following his grandfather’s death, the young star considered giving up basketball for good. Instead, his Aunt Rhoda urged him to dedicate a game to his grandfather, to score 61 points in the next game, one point for every year of the man’s life. He decided he would and he even told his high school coach that he would. People scoffed. Chris Paul had only scored 39 points in a single game before that.

But he performed majestically that night. When he had scored 59 points, he looked up in the stands and his father held up two fingers. Paul drove for a layup and was fouled on the play. He intentionally missed the free throw, throwing the ball out of bounds and took himself out the game with 61 points.

This story is a testament to filial piety, to indomitable spirit, to sportsmanship acting as a way of memorialization. The story brings tears to my eyes. If it brings tears to your eyes, Kelly, maybe we should get together to discuss. Over coffee, maybe?

Actually, before we agree to a date, could you send a photo of yourself so that I can make sure that you are hot. And, while we’re at it, maybe we should get some other particulars out of the way. Do you have any sexually transmitted diseases? Can your G Spot be stimulated through doggy style vaginal intercourse? What is the most number of people you have ever had sex with at any given time? Are you looking to expand on that number? Would you say that you remain a virgin in any of your holes? When you go to strip clubs with guys, do you prefer to buy them lap dances or buy them for yourself and have them watch? Which do you find more attractive: balding midgets or grown men in boy scout uniforms? If I wore a whistle around my neck in bed, would you call me Coach Tinkleberry? Please describe your most intimate locker room experience.

These questions are for all of our female readers. I look forward to hearing from all of you.

I remain,

Professor Oswald Tinkleberry

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